I normally blog in the morning, yet it is evening now. I've had a difficult time writing today. Blue is an appropriate ink color today. Yesterday, by 4:30 I ended up hiding in bed with the covers pulled up, crying inside but no tears were left to shed on the outside. The questions I posed loomed echoing in my brain: "Where's the humanity?" etc. Bunny kisses & bird songs & lilacs are not enough. A couple lone-good deeds are not enough. I cannot escape the re-run in my mind of the tragic beating of the elderly gentleman during the carjacking. The world can be so ugly & cruel at times.
This afternoon my teens were kind & helpful. I'm sure a note from school will arrive in the near future telling of some mis-deed! Sad when I'm suspicious of good behavior! Anyway. My oldest son gave blood today! I am so proud of him. My daughter is on her way to bible study, now that track is over her schedule allows her to resume that. My 7 yr old generously gives hugs & helps his little brothers. My husband spoke with me this morning, more than the auto-pilot conversations we generally have. He validated me, he comforted me, he held me. He showed me on paper how my fears of the soup kitchen line were unfounded. He reminded me to trust in GOD. I told him I do, I try to give things over to God, I pray many times a day, I just sneak back in & take my worries back after I've given them to God. It is bad I know. Logically I know that worrying isn't going to help matters & I should put the energy to more constructive use. Knowing this & being able to pro-actively move forward are 2 very different things however.
A minister in our church is certified for doing temperament testing. If you ever have a chance to do this, I highly recommend it. Many work places do this to see how a person will fit in with their group. My test came back that I was born feeling guilty. It is the way God made me, I feel things are my fault & a need to fix them. I seek approval. It told more too but I won't bore you with it all. I guess this is my excuse for being who I am - I can't help it. So, pro-actively, to help "fix" things I am launching into a new endeavor. This sprang up through an earlier post about red capes. I've decided to form a non-profit organization called The Red Cape Brigade which will help co-ordinate efforts of other agencies in the community, uniting them in their goals rather than working independently. It will also have a "pay-it-forward" type of concept matching a list of Needs to a list of available donations of goods & services. Please wish me luck in this effort. If you would like to become involved, please let me know. I welcome everyone with a kind heart & motivation to back it up.
A therapeutic neck massage helped work out the extreme tightness & knots in my neck & hopefully will alleviate some of the severe headaches I've been having lately as well. Now, if only they could also screw my head on straight to boot! Ah, but then I wouldn't need Prozac sprinkles in my morning coffee would I? Maybe many of us could use a therapeutic massage, but of our soul & our hearts.
I am trying to remain positive, to become more motivated, to see light through the returning, ever looming darkness. Wish me luck dear friends. I wish our nation luck, I wish us hope, I wish us more common decency & humanity. Be blessed & bless others - Pay it forward, small acts of kindness or bigger things if you are able. Thank you. I promise to put my soap-box away soon, well, I'll at least try to. Thanks for baring with me dear readers. Be blessed indeed.
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