Why?

Why am I so lonely today? I woke up in severe pain, like a 97 on a scale of 1-10. That pain scale is so extremely stupid, it doesn't accurately reflect pain, I don't know if anything can. I'm feeling better physically but... The rain & skiff of snow have melted away. An occasional cloud rolls past the sun & the light & shadows play in our house, enticing our birds to chatter excitedly in their native tongues. About an hour or so ago I saw a young doe in our back yard with what was probably her fawn, though no spots. It is amazing how delicately these animals sneak about, nervous of any disturbance. I was mesmerised by how they could munch the leaves, striping a branch of a tree or shrub leaving the now naked branch perfectly intact. It brought me great joy watching them for as long as I could, even though I sight them often, they always steal my heart. I was then watching our fish & thinking of what a symbiotic world we live in, for the most part. Then I began to wonder, where I fit in with the whole symbiotic relationship & if my contribution was relevant to what I take in return. I think it may be sorely lacking & that saddens me. I hope I am further reaching & impacting than I am aware. I hope that for every negative experience anyone has, the good that comes of it is that he or she is somehow able to impart compassion, support or other help for others in a similar circumstance, maybe even a little wisdom if we are lucky. My Dolly girl came home briefly to grab lunch before heading back to school. It dawned on me yet again, increasingly more often, how much she is less of a Dolly girl & more of a Dolly woman. She looks so beautiful, I admire so many qualities she has.
I've been getting dressed & doing my hair & makeup even though just agonizing in pain around the house often times. It made me feel better one or two days, it doesn't seem to be working today though. Maybe it is because I am out of some of my medications, maybe a full moon is imminently approaching or in phase or phasing out, I feel like I'm phasing out. I liken myself to a catalog sitting on the end table in our living-room: collecting dust, not having anything new or of enough value to make people look further inside. Am I dusty? Yes, I'm afraid so & that isn't going to change unless there is a cure for all that ails me magically discovered overnight. I think I've pretty much tried it all- pretending there is nothing wrong, doing all I can to ignore every symptom, treating as doctors say, or telling them-hey no way, this isn't working-specialized diets, & so on. I'm fairly convinced it will take an act of God to fix this chronic pain disease which for years many believed wasn't real. The chronic fatigue that was to last only 6 months has gone on for 14 years now. Yawn. Luckily I am limber to the point of being called a contortionist as a kid, so when the hypermobility syndrome kicks in & something dislocates I can usually snap it back into joint myself without the usual trip others like me have to make to the E.R. -yeah, I found out there are others like me in this regard at least! Popping back into joint at home may avoid a lot of waiting room time & paperwork & $ but it doesn't hurt any less, perhaps moreso.
I have 6 children, my oldest I haven't seen this year, she was just too busy & lives in another state & time & money were of conflict for both of us at times. My youngest clings to me at times, whines & gabs & gets more than his fair share of attention. The ones in the middle are in school & busy with their activities. My niece & her fiance are on vampire schedule because he works swing shift so I rarely see them. With 9 people under one roof it is hard to imagine feeling lonely. Especially given all the animal companionship: fish, 2 parrots - an African Gray & a Senegal, a lop bunny, 2 dogs, doves & ducks. My husband works so much & doesn't hardly want spoken to when he gets home, he's just that tired & stressed. Well, such is life. I guess things will get better. I'm enjoying the computer today & various other electrical items as it appears our service may be shut off tomorrow unless another magic wand is waved. Always something, always behind, as my "catching up" post goes into. Be Blessed Dear Readers!