Life In A Zoo

Broken Bones & Dreams

2007-11-11T01:08:00.000-08:00

Every time I watch one of my son's high-school football games I pray for everyone not to be injured. Anytime there is a guy "down" on the field, I pray specifically for him. Sometimes though, injuries still occur.
My son wasn't the only one to get a bit injured but his was the most severe of the game. He had played with his still healing sprained ankle & torn ligament. The phenomenal physical trainer had taped it up good for him, he had to so my son could get his foot in his shoe. There was no talking my son out of playing the game he loves, after all, he's a senior in high-school & this is his "last chance" to play. Well, it wasn't the taped, recovering ankle that was injured this time, it was the OTHER leg. At first it was thought that ankle was dislocated but there was some crunching noise too. He did well, now overly familiar with crutches, bobbing to & fro with his team on the sidelines to show support.
It wasn't until the following day that he found out his leg was broken & a cast was but on it. Being the weekend, it was a temporary cast. He will see an orthopedic doctor on Monday if possible to find out if surgery is needed to repair it. It isn't often you see someone on crutches with one leg in a cast & the other in a splint, but this was the site of my son perambulating out of the hospital. Did I mention this is November? We're talking rain, ice & snow this time of year, Lordy, this is not the right time to be on crutches! He is so disheartened, feeling his whole future is destroyed because of active plans to be in the military. I pray his fears are unfounded because if not, it would come close to destroying him.
I had been so worried, I had chewed myself out for crying over it. I did not let him see my tears until he told me he wanted to drive over to his girlfriend's house. I cried because of worrying he'd over-do it on his crutches & attempting to drive how he is. The overcast skies of the day had truly mimicked my mood. I take my medicine which I'd forgotten to take & finally sleep lets me escape all of this.
Tomorrow we will see what happens. Z & I are going to church though, something that hasn't happened in ages, it will be a most welcome event. Much easier for 2 to plan than 7 also.

Leaves of Fall (orig written 11/8 & posted in 2 chronic pain forums)

2007-11-11T01:05:00.000-08:00

I see the semi-naked trees about our community, their stature seems interesting yet ugly & stark to me. The leaves, having nurtured the trees now turn brilliant colors in their final days & tummult to the ground below. Sometimes they are carried off a bit by a gust of wind. I see them withered, dry, old & colors fading, veins dominant. The striking similarities between myself & the leaves of Fall are all too much to ignore. I can only hope that I will have been as purposeful in my life as the leaves were during theirs; hope that the sometimes stark tree I help sustain seems more interestingly staturesque & less ugly; that I too may become brilliantly colorful in my final days & be carried away from my world of pain by a gust of wind.

The Painful Un-Goodbye (shared in other chronic pain support groups as well)

2007-11-11T01:00:00.000-08:00

"Please God, please, just make the pain go away for just a little while, please?" I implore in a whisper between muffled sobs. I'd done my best to mask my pain from my children all day but by 4:30pm it was all too much. I put my hand over my face to hide & wiped the tears away as coverly as possible before they could streak down my face. The heating pad had lost its magic; no position was comfortable; I spent the day vascillating between chores & idle time - nothing made an improvement in the pain. On top of it all, an IBS flare! My heart has been on overdrive, pounding fastly and I've tried moderating my breathing patterns to get through the pain, but the symptom continues on anyway. My 18 yr old son showed compassion & concern, it was a welcome surprise, but his 17 yr old sister gave me the usual 'oh brother' attitude.There is nothing anyone can do.
I'd asked my doctor if I could discontinue my narcotic pain med since I felt it did nothing for me but cost $ & give me another pill to swallow. I'd tapered off, but now, this flare & nothing to help it. My surprise was my doctor's unwillingness to prescribe anything else in place of the pain med which had failed me. I was told by phone by her nurse, "She says it's to be expected."
In desperation I take my bedtime medicine and and a panic attack med at 5:30pm, hoping something will take me away from the insurmountable pain, even if it's only a brief bit of sleep. My appointment with the local pain clinic isn't until the end of this month and this was only the 5th of the month. I had briefly contemplated whether inflicting other pain upon myself would at least transfer the sensation to a localized area & give the rest of my body a short respite. Too bad there is no $ for more tatoos or to go skydiving & my fibro-fog mind could "forget" to pull the cord. Anything, even death, must be better than this.
I think of treasured memories from my children's past, of my own as well: falling in love, having my children, beautiful, breathtaking places I've been. Then suddenly the good memories accidentally shift back to my daughter's disbelieving & uncaring attitude & my husband's latent resentments. Then I hear the laughter of my younger ones in the other room. I had retreated to my bedroom where I could sob & beg God for just an ounce of relief, just a few moments to catch my breath so I can continue on. Do I dare try to reintegrate myself into my family now that I've stopped crying? Am I even wanted?It all meshes together in a mis-matched ugly tapestry, with pretty colors showing through here & there if you take the time to look long enough.
My nose is stuffy from crying, my lips dry & no longer quivering. The statistics on suicide of chronic pain sufferers seem they must be grossly under-reported. At least the IBS has stopped. Now if this damnable right eye twitch would stop, a whole day of that is more than enough. 22 or so more days before the appointment I've placed all my hopes in. I wonder which will come 1st, that or my death? I try to bravely continue on although I'm not sure if it is better or worse for my family's benefit.

Obsessions, Compulsiveness & Disorders!!!!

2007-11-03T10:31:00.000-07:00

10/30/07

I seem to have a few obsessions. I am obsessed with keeping playing cards very neat & straight when playing a card game! I have been slacking off as of late, but before my un-health got the best of me, I was also obsessed with keeping my kitchen cupboards organized according to category. The spices were always alphabetized & then the boxed foods were categorized & alphabetized within their category as well! Soups & other canned foods suffered the same fate! I still have to talk myself out of a full blown panic about them not currently being in such a structured state!!! When the whole idea of a separate area for baking came into popularity I embraced it whole heartedly then spent sleepless nights not knowing what to do with the cross-over items which served dual purposes!!! I have to be on time or 5 minutes early wherever I go (sometimes I’m so afraid of being late that I am 20 minutes early then embarrassed by that fact). I also seem to be obsessed with worry, to the point of compulsion. If I am not worrying over something I am wracking what is left of my so called brain trying to figure out what I am forgetting to worry about!! No offence to anyone of any religion but I’ve been told by several people at various times in my life I would make a great Catholic-Jew because I am so obsessed with guilt, although not by choice!! I really have a preference for exclamation points but I’m not sure whether this is an obsession or not, you can decide that one!!!

Now to move on to my husband: he is a compulsive spender. He has great taste & a penchant for electronics, movies & music. His compulsive spending sends me into obsessive worrying bouts.

Despite the fact that I prefer things categorized & alphabetized I cannot keep a house clean to save my life. I also cannot throw things away very well. Any paper with one of my children’s scribbles is to be saved for life no matter what. I cannot bear to throw anything away that might, possibly be able to be used by another. Given that fact, I frequently gift hand-me-downs to Good-Will, the local Gospel Mission, or women’s shelter or random others. My husband has figured out to buy giant plastic storage bins for me to save kids’ schoolwork & other mementos. He has to sort the mail for me because I’m afraid to open mail that might have bad news (that whole worry thing) & afraid I might throw away something that was important, not realizing it’s value, then I’d feel horrible (the guilt thing). Yet, when he sorts the mail I am just as fearful he will make the same mistakes. Can’t win, that’s where the whole disorder-thing comes into play! Other than reassurances, a prescription for anti-anxiety medication & a “compulsion” to work out feelings through writing, not much can change all of this. Lucky you, Dear Readers, for here-in is how this blog was created!! Joyful day to you poor souls if you are trying to figure me out & a heaping helping of good luck as well!!! Please note the exclamation points!!! Also, if you do figure me out, drop me a note telling me!!
I do have a question though, how do we arrive at these states of being? Surely I wasn’t born with a compulsion to alphabetize things. For some reason a vague memory of a class on library skills in elementary school comes to mind & how crazy I found their catalog system to be. Was I wired from birth so to speak, with feelings of worry? Then I worry that the fact that I have so much worry in my life may make me a bad Christian since we, as Christians are to “let go & let God”. There are times that I have been able to do that, but often I sneak the worrisome problem back after I give it to Him & still continue to worry about it. I do not mean it as a disrespectful action in my faith, I worry if it is seen as such & that I feel it is such.

So, if we were not wired this way, what flipped the “on” switch making us succumb to these various types of personality disorders? Would a traumatic experience cause this, if so, what types of trauma can generate which disorders? Can you tell I miss psychology class? I took a psychology class at my local community college when I was 17 & I absolutely loved it. Our professor would tell of his obsession with a certain actress. His tales were as welcome as stand-up comedy & by listening & laughing we came to learn some point which was totally unexpected. Now, that is true teaching, finding innovative ways of making learning fun for the students & getting through to them! But…apparently I didn’t learn enough because I still have an unanswered question. I do know that according to Freud it would be mom’s fault! I also learned he apparently did a lot of drugs, so, his opinion is of less value to me than it might otherwise be. So now I have my unanswered question to worry over-I needed something new to obsess over – goodie!!!!

Halloween & The Aftermath

2007-11-03T10:19:00.000-07:00

11/1/07

Last night my husband & I took 2 power-rangers & 1 ninja trick-or-treating. The tiniest of which had muscles built into the costume & the mask too large so that only his nostrils showed through the eye-holes. At first they timidly, slowly ventured forth, making sure to wait for each-other & obtain reassuring glances from us parents as they drew ever nearer the porch-lit doorways. Later they reveled in the fun of receiving candy, racing about. One house was apparently well known in the neighborhood for providing hot coffee to the grownups & even shouted out – “free coffee parents!” which was quite tempting if it hadn’t been for their non-lit, precarious steps up to their station. One particularly well decorated home intimidated our youngest a bit. After knowing of the previous season’s mishap when our teens took the boys trick-or-treating & a scared Crash screamed & ran into the house of total strangers hiding under a bed (or was it in a closet?) I suggested he hold his daddy’s hand. And that he did!

Apparently, despite our not having decorations or porch-lights on & an only 2/3 finished walkway to our porch, trick-or-treaters attempted knocks at our door anyway. Leave it to the African-Gray (Loca) to yell “Come in” at them. This left my niece & her fiancé having to go to the door or shout, “No, don’t come in!” These poor trick-or-treaters were so determined they even plagued the house next door which has been vacant for about a year or so! Now that’s determination!!

Today we sent Gumby (now known as Stretch) to school with invitations for girls & boys to his birthday party tomorrow at the local bowling alley. My husband was able to make great invitations with some characters that my son is particularly fond of. So, this time of year not only holds the sweets of Halloween but cake & ice-cream as well. The dentist needs to put: Provided for by (our name) on his new car or motorcycle which I’m sure we are purchasing for him, once we get him paid off that is.

My husband has today off because of having to work a day this weekend when nobody is on their computers at the office. This is always an awkward situation for us. If I talk much to him he feels I’m interrupting his day. I’m a gabber if y’all haven’t noticed & well, it’s just awkward. I feel if I’m not working my petutie off he may be passing some sort of judgment on me, yet, I’m not willing to over-work myself & risk another flare up of my chronic illnesses either. So, yeah, just gotta hang in there. God only knows what we’ll do when he’s retired. The man has adult ADD & just doesn’t know how to relax. Last night he was telling me how he felt he could use a computer program to draw out schematics for each section of an inflatable & then sew them together to create his own inflatable decorations. While this is an incredible idea & a very time-consuming & expensive effort it would be pretty cool to be able to do. However, my husband bless his heart, could receive a trophy for starting more projects he doesn’t finish before starting new projects. He is brilliant except for adequately managing time & money. He fully knows how to relax & also how to fully apply himself 110% to a project, as long as it stays interesting for him. Since he, like my oldest son, is very smart, he gets easily bored as well as easily annoyed with people who don’t understand things as well.

My oldest son, Z, was so amazed by the osteopathic treatment he received for his ankle injury ( a severe sprain & torn ligament) that he said it would make him want to be a doctor if it weren’t for the fact that he gets too annoyed having to deal with people. This coming from a guy who’s going into the nuclear power program for the Navy, ha ha, let’s all pray he doesn’t have access to any “red buttons”!!! “What? You made a mistake on my paycheck?”-poof!! Just kidding, he’s pretty good at keeping his cool for the most part.

Wow, how were those last 3 paragraphs for getting off subject? You’d think it wasn’t me writing this stuff it I didn’t stray from topic & wander aimlessly about my thoughts though right? Dear Readers, I wish you a cavity-free post-Halloween season, fun memories & ways to work around your significant other in harmony. I also wish any with lofty or elaborate ideas to fully pursue them, without such individuals I might need to find a way to cave-paint all this down for prosperity. Be Blessed, whomever your higher power be.

Fri. Night Lights Survival & Being A Swamp Ogre

2007-11-03T10:16:00.000-07:00

10/28/’07

On Friday my oldest son had injured his ankle on the football field. He was so upset about not being able to play the rest of the game, this bothered him more than the pain of his injury. Saturday morning he went to the ER for an x-ray which luckily revealed no fracture. He insisted on going on his own & being 18 now, I’m trying to let him make some of his own decisions. The ortho doc who had been on-site at the game happened to be at the ER while Z was there & called me right away & told me there is no fracture, he also spoke with Z & the athletic trainer. I love the rapid follow-through & kindness of this new doctor our small town is abuzz with thankfulness for receiving, he has a fantastic rep & is from Stanford University. We live in a house with many stairs & it is not conducive to crutches or any sort of mobility problems but he managed it well. I had put an ice-chest in his room for him to ice his foot & we all tried to help carry things for him up & down the stairs. He had gone with his sister to a costumed Halloween party Saturday night. For the costumes our daughter went as “white trash” complete with massive blue eye-shadow, torn white t-shirt & cut-offs & a Coors beer trucker hat. Z modeled an outfit, going as his sister, in a miniskirt & spaghetti strap girly shirt. He didn’t wear it out of the house but he did at least show us & pose for a picture with his sister, he hates having his picture taken so that was a big deal. We got such a laugh too!! It was great!!
Unfortunately fell backwards down a short flight of stairs at the party, trying to get out of the way of others going the opposite direction. After that a friend brought him back home. He was pretty disappointed about not being able to do much but is doing pretty well otherwise. His poor foot was more swollen & bluish colored today. He’s managed the fine art of driving left footed which I don’t want to promote but, is pretty impressive none the less.
Saturday night was also the local university’s 14th annual haunted house. All that was required to attend was a willingness to go & a canned food donation for the local food bank. My anxiety got the best of me, as usual & the thought of a crowd in a confined area made me not want to attend, yet I wanted my boys to be able to go. Gumby decided he didn’t want to go but Boog & Crash were quite excited about it. Thankfully my niece came to the rescue once again, taking the boys for me & stopping at the local mini-mart to fulfill a craving I’d had for Diet Coke! God Bless Her!!!! They had fun & came home with some candy in a trick or treat bag.
I awoke this morning with the usual alarm-clock-child coming through the door asking for something, this morning it was cereal, prior to the crack of dawn. It is no use trying to get him to go back to sleep, this is something I have learned after many attempts. He excitedly jabbers to me about things then turns his bedroom light on to retrieve some item to show me. This wouldn’t be such a bad thing if his other 2 brothers weren’t in there trying to still sleep. Now comes out the next boy, complaining about being awoken, then with his conversations & needs. Not long after the last boy comes out still in a half-sleep daze. I attend to all their needs, interact in their conversations happily & make coffee. I’m told by my boys they are lucky I am not so cranky today. I have to agree, I was horribly cranky yesterday. Noises & stress got the best of me, if it wasn’t the birds, boys or television it was the phone or the dogs, always something. I told the boys if they needed anything else to let me know now; nothing was needed thankfully & I told them I was going back to bed. This is something I never do, but by golly, today I needed to.
The shooting pain in my hip had interrupted my sleep, as had my teeth clenching from some bizarre yet stressful dream. I was actually able to get comfortable & go back to sleep for a bit. When I entered the living room hubby had made blueberry muffins & everyone was happy. He had Loca out playing with her & I got Sunny out to love on him as well. Coffee didn’t work for me with us being out of creamer I couldn’t foo-foo it up enough. So I poured some diet coke & used it to down my handful of medicine. When choosing a glass from the cupboard I automatically chose the one from McDonalds with the Shrek pictures on it. I seemed to identify with the swamp ogre way too well. I am not heroic nor a princess. I do feel unaccepted by most & live in a mess, though it is not a swamp.
Then came the cross discussion with hubby. He wanted to tear into another project in the house today. I, however, wanted him to please finish any of the ½ dozen or more other projects he’d already started & not finished. He does not stick to the subject matter when we discuss things, he turns vindictive & mean & plays me with guilt turning the crux of the matter into something else entirely unrecognizable. We both give up on the conversation & focus our attention on television as if it will teleport us away into a more perfect world. At least it offers a bit of escapism from current tensions. I may have silently won because he is now working on some of the unfinished things surrounding us instead of ripping out a closet to create more wall space. A silent victory deserves a silent celebration so, shhh, “hooray & yippy-skippy do-dah-day!!”
This ogre is going to attempt to be less ogre-ish, maybe even get dressed & go to the store. I will try not to stress out, try to fit in & survive outside of my home-“swampland”. Today, Dear Readers, I wish you success in stretching your boundaries of your comfort zones. I wish you a good laugh & plenty of foo-foo for your coffee; good dreams & restful sleep & a snooze button for any alarm-clock children of your own. Be Blessed!

Glory Days Gone Awry

2007-11-03T10:02:00.000-07:00

10/26/07

Dolly spearheaded an effort this afternoon which came to fruition in making Big Z a balloon bouquet tied to a bag of candy. Tonight was the last home-field game played by the football team & homage is paid to the graduating seniors. I even talked my husband into going! He brought the cam-corder though it didn’t get used much because he was shaking a bit from asthma & the cold. We stood on the sidelines & waited out turn, when our son’s # was called we went up & had a photo taken with him. The cheerleaders also paid tribute to each of the senior football players with little gifts.

My niece had watched the boys for us so they would not be exposed to the cold. The game was going fairly evenly despite the enormous size of the opposing team. Z was credited with at least 1 tackle & a stop, he held his own very well against the others. Then, we saw 2 players helping our son off of the field. The trainer looked at him & I was told the other gentleman with him was the new orthopedic / sports medicine doctor in town. The good news is that it is currently believed that there is no break; however, there is at the very least a severe sprain to his right ankle. He was given the use of crutches which were too short for him but better than nothing. His ankle was wrapped with an ice pack & he stood barefoot on the sidelines watching the outcome of the game. He insisted on waiting until tomorrow morning for the x-ray I insisted he carpool with his sister & let her drive, hopefully that advice will be heeded. The orthopedist told us he has access to the x-rays on-line from his home & can call us Monday with the results. The trainer told us if we get the x-ray done tomorrow morning & it is just a severe sprain that he will start Z on e-stim & strengthening exercises.

The poor guy was so angry about the situation but he did a really good job holding it together. To top off his frustrations his girlfriend wasn’t allowed to go to the game nor the dance. In my mind this is a good intervention although unknown at the time, because this meant the outcome was him coming straight home from the game with his sister. My husband works tomorrow so I will have my niece or daughter watch the little guys for me to take Z to the ER & then to the football field-house / training room. Wish us luck!! Thank you for reading & Be Blessed Dear Readers!

Eat Your Heart Out "Kids Say The Darndest Things" Creators

2007-10-24T14:05:00.000-07:00

First off, in a household of 9 people & several furry, feathered, finned companions, there is no such thing as privacy. That said, I was not eaves-dropping, just over-heard the following yesterday afternoon. My niece & her fiance were in their room & apparently having a tickle match or something. There was some whooping & hollering & lots of laughing. Crash, our almost 4 year old goes charging into their room to see what's going on. They tell him he can't just come in, he has to knock. He sighs & goes out, shuts the door, knocks & comes back into their room. They say, no, you have to wait for us to say "who is it?" then tell us your name. He sighs heavier, goes out, knocks, waits for the question then answers as he's opening the door, it me .... Well they explain it to him again, stating that after that he is to wait for them to say "Come in". He is getting tired by this point but tries it again, then says, "Oh just never mind". Later another outburst of laughter & screams erupts from their room. This time Crash goes to the door & says exactly as I do, "Don't make me come in there guys". Following this statement he goes on to say, "OK, that's it, I'm coming in" I happen to be in a nearby room & shout, "No, give them their privacy, stay out of their room." There is a pause in his normally busy, noisy behavior then he says, "I give you sticker if you be good!" to the still closed door of my niece's room. It was pretty funny.
He seems to be on a real roll. Today he was playing with a bouncy ball which bounced under the couch & he griped, "Oh Tarter Sauce!" Can you tell we are Sponge-Bob fans????
My mother-in-law gave us a plaque a while back which says "Having kids is like being pecked to death by a duck" This is so appropriate on many levels since my husband also has pet ducks in addition to all our children. I couldn't agree more with this plaque, it seems to be laughing at me from it's position on my desk, taunting me, as if to say, "If you'd only known" Known the work, the heart-ache, the sleepless nights hanging out with a puking child, the trying to remember which kid likes pb&j & which one likes ham & cheese & not get their lunch boxes mixed up. Yes, I'd still do it, because other-wise I might never have learned how my bribery enforced parenting (I don't care what the experts say it works) has now gone forth a generation to my almost 4 yr old attempting to use it on my niece & her fiance. That is just too funny not to hear in person. So, the next time I get frustrated with finding his socks on the kitchen floor so that he can use his toes to scale the handles of the kitchen cupboards to stand on the counter & get candy out of the top cupboard, I'll try to say "Oh Tarter Sauce" instead of becoming frustrated.
Dear Readers, Be Blessed & find your funny bone then give it a good tickle-match!

Just Another Day

2007-10-23T07:25:00.000-07:00

I had a rheumatology appointment yesterday & a flu shot, yippee-skippy. It is funny when someone has chronic pain & the doctor pushing on "trigger points" gently feels like he's trying to kill me & yet, the nurse apologizing for giving me the shot, doesn't hurt me at all. It's been a couple days now & I've not dislocated my wrist so there's more good news. Oh & the doctor increased one of my medicines to be taken more often since it seems to help me the most. Now on to slightly less boring news.
A newer phrase from my almost 4 year old who is in speech therapy which we have no clue where he picked it up is: " You just freakin' me out guys". He also seems to insist daily on me watching a movie with him. I don't mind but this excuse is wearing thin with the family for me not getting stuff done. He also described his oldest brother's new girlfriend as the one with the pretty dress & hair & tiny brown nose (she is very tan & beautiful, not a brown-nose, just tan all over). She was wearing a beautiful dress for church after a family breakfast adventure at a restaurant. Bless her heart, she held up well dealing with all of us plus the grand-parents!
I actually, for once, made dinner for my family last night! I know, my apologies, I should have warned you to sit down before reading that shocking news. I use to love to cook meals for my family & bake too, but lately, for the longest time it's all I can do to pop a take n bake pizza in the oven! I suppose having back spasms & being in pain whether on a heating pad, lying down or in the kitchen cooking had its upside!
Tonight will be the 2nd night of Kids' Wrestling Club for our tiny lil Boog. He missed the first week due to conflicts in our family's schedule & then made only 1 of the 2 practices the 2nd week due to dental work & being numb still. He loves it & it is truly fun to watch.
Our Gumby went to a birthday party at a laser-tag place & had the time of his life. Dolly drove him there & picked him up too. She said it's so cool inside she'd like to have a birthday party there! That's cute because she's almost 17!
I've learned that when the African Gray won't stop impersonating a telephone ringing if I tell her, "Wrong number!" she actually stops. This is an invaluable bit of knowledge & I'm thankful the handy lil trick works! I'm now going to try to see if I can psychically get the laundry to move itself from washer to dryer then levitate upstairs for me & fold itself. I won't try to make it sort & put away in the correct person's drawer, that would just be asking too much! Wish me luck, I figure with all the stupid psychic commercials I've been seeing, if I can learn by osmosis then I have a fighting chance! Yeah, right, but I can dream I guess.
Well, I've got boys to cart to school despite declarations of stomach aches & such. I told them they've played opossum too many times & from now on are going to school & the school can call me to come pick them up if they are still sick when there. They aren't too happy about this. Good thing I'm not deploying "Major Pain" tactics as in the funny movie "let me show you a little trick take your mind off that pain" ha ha.
I'm in desperate need of scotch tape so will also spend the day looking for that. We have just slightly less than a million Halloween pictures that Gumby has drawn to put up all over the place.
Whoops, I'm still in my jammies & need to skedaddle so bye for now Dear Readers, Be Blessed!

Why?

2007-10-17T12:59:00.000-07:00

Why am I so lonely today? I woke up in severe pain, like a 97 on a scale of 1-10. That pain scale is so extremely stupid, it doesn't accurately reflect pain, I don't know if anything can. I'm feeling better physically but... The rain & skiff of snow have melted away. An occasional cloud rolls past the sun & the light & shadows play in our house, enticing our birds to chatter excitedly in their native tongues. About an hour or so ago I saw a young doe in our back yard with what was probably her fawn, though no spots. It is amazing how delicately these animals sneak about, nervous of any disturbance. I was mesmerised by how they could munch the leaves, striping a branch of a tree or shrub leaving the now naked branch perfectly intact. It brought me great joy watching them for as long as I could, even though I sight them often, they always steal my heart. I was then watching our fish & thinking of what a symbiotic world we live in, for the most part. Then I began to wonder, where I fit in with the whole symbiotic relationship & if my contribution was relevant to what I take in return. I think it may be sorely lacking & that saddens me. I hope I am further reaching & impacting than I am aware. I hope that for every negative experience anyone has, the good that comes of it is that he or she is somehow able to impart compassion, support or other help for others in a similar circumstance, maybe even a little wisdom if we are lucky. My Dolly girl came home briefly to grab lunch before heading back to school. It dawned on me yet again, increasingly more often, how much she is less of a Dolly girl & more of a Dolly woman. She looks so beautiful, I admire so many qualities she has.
I've been getting dressed & doing my hair & makeup even though just agonizing in pain around the house often times. It made me feel better one or two days, it doesn't seem to be working today though. Maybe it is because I am out of some of my medications, maybe a full moon is imminently approaching or in phase or phasing out, I feel like I'm phasing out. I liken myself to a catalog sitting on the end table in our living-room: collecting dust, not having anything new or of enough value to make people look further inside. Am I dusty? Yes, I'm afraid so & that isn't going to change unless there is a cure for all that ails me magically discovered overnight. I think I've pretty much tried it all- pretending there is nothing wrong, doing all I can to ignore every symptom, treating as doctors say, or telling them-hey no way, this isn't working-specialized diets, & so on. I'm fairly convinced it will take an act of God to fix this chronic pain disease which for years many believed wasn't real. The chronic fatigue that was to last only 6 months has gone on for 14 years now. Yawn. Luckily I am limber to the point of being called a contortionist as a kid, so when the hypermobility syndrome kicks in & something dislocates I can usually snap it back into joint myself without the usual trip others like me have to make to the E.R. -yeah, I found out there are others like me in this regard at least! Popping back into joint at home may avoid a lot of waiting room time & paperwork & $ but it doesn't hurt any less, perhaps moreso.
I have 6 children, my oldest I haven't seen this year, she was just too busy & lives in another state & time & money were of conflict for both of us at times. My youngest clings to me at times, whines & gabs & gets more than his fair share of attention. The ones in the middle are in school & busy with their activities. My niece & her fiance are on vampire schedule because he works swing shift so I rarely see them. With 9 people under one roof it is hard to imagine feeling lonely. Especially given all the animal companionship: fish, 2 parrots - an African Gray & a Senegal, a lop bunny, 2 dogs, doves & ducks. My husband works so much & doesn't hardly want spoken to when he gets home, he's just that tired & stressed. Well, such is life. I guess things will get better. I'm enjoying the computer today & various other electrical items as it appears our service may be shut off tomorrow unless another magic wand is waved. Always something, always behind, as my "catching up" post goes into. Be Blessed Dear Readers!

Catching Up

2007-10-17T09:50:00.000-07:00

It seems we are forever behind in everything no matter what, but maybe that further compels us to keep pedalling forward. I'm not sure some days. My husband brought home even more laundry than I did from the camping trip. He stripped the bed & brought in all the blankets too. Ugh. I was too sick to go to the most recent 2 home football games to support Big Z & feel bad about that. I missed Dolly's powder-puff game to attend a meeting for parents with students graduating high school this year. I also missed Boog (6 1/2 yr old ) getting to wrestling practice the first week. I did get to see my two oldest at-home children in their outfits for the home-coming dance & they looked absolutely lovely. Big Z had a date for the dance & Dolly went with her girlfriends.

As of late, we are all feeling better virus wise. I received an unexpected package in the mail from my uncle, the oldest surviving member of my father's side of the family. It was photos of my father when he was a baby with my Grandfather, also photos of my father from the war & his school year book! It was just amazing to see the process that was gone through to create these books, the pages were typed then folded in half at the top to make two-sided pages & the photos were individually glued into position. I can't imagine doing this for an entire graduating class, wow! There was a news article about my father being promoted to first lieutenant in the war, he flew B25 bombers on strafing missions in WWII. The package was such a nice surprise. I use to love surprises, now it seems I am fearful of them & I opened the package with trepidation fearful of bad news. It sort of makes me wonder where the fun-me disappeared to?
Speaking of fun, Crash has invited me onto his top bunk to watch cartoons with him a few times now & I've done so. More recently I've told him it's just way too hard for mommy to get up there so we watch on the bottom bunk which is a futon couch & quite comfy. Cartoons with a little guy or movies can be quite fun. Better than cleaning Sunny's bird cage that's for sure! I can attest to that after having done so this morning. The novelty of the some of the spilled bird seed in the cage actually having sprouted into grass from Sunny flipping his water dish over & watering it, not to mention the free fertilizer, well, the novelty just had worn off. Yuck. Nice & clean now though! I've finally gotten Loca, the African Gray to stop ringing like a phone by telling her "Wrong number Loca" Thank goodness, it is so annoying. Another fun thing was watching my 6 1/2 yr old & a large number of other kids at wrestling club last night! It was Boog's first time there, having missed the first 2 practices but he did pretty well. His partner, I was told by his gramma, had thought it would be like WWF style & wanted to know where his costume was & if they'd play a drum for him to come in with & he needed a nick-name! They did well & Boog really enjoyed it. We are hoping it will help our human tooth-pick of a child to build some muscle & good paying-attention skills as well. Very fun. I've been trying to add in photos to these blogs the last few days but some error is preventing me from sharing them with you, my apologies.
Well, Dear Readers, thank you for your support & Be Blessed! Have a beautiful day & find a way to have fun!

Extreme Camping - Day 4 Home-coming!

2007-10-17T09:22:00.000-07:00

I drove through 40+ mph winds to get home today with the boys. I then find out my 16 year old daughter, Dolly, had 3 girls or so over to spend the night. We had discussed prior to my leaving, no parties. She explained in her defence that a few girls for a sleep-over was not her idea of a party & if I wanted she could take me to a "party". Ugh. My niece & daughter got into it a bit & things went a little overboard. At this time, since I was met with most of the info the instant I emerged from the car, in my driveway, from the neighbor, I was somewhat willing to get back in the car & drive for another 3 hours away again. Dolly then complained there was not enough food left in the house for her & Big Z (her big brother, my oldest son). A $20.00 bill mysteriously disappeared too, supposedly. What is odd is that in the week since that, we've had a hand held razor for shaving show up & a pair of boxer shorts that nobody claims any knowledge of. I'm wondering if my missing sock to the pair & the $20.00 bill showed up at somebody else's house somehow in a cosmic trade?
Everybody is wanting something from me & I am unable to fulfill all their needs. I prefer to be independent & able to take care of things as they arise the best I can, but that isn't the case for me right now. I'm dependant on my husband for almost everything, he is the only source of income right now & does not like being told what to do so it is tricky to stroke egos & accomplish things in the correct order. Adult ADD & compulsive spending habits do not help him, but the heart wants what it wants & so here we are. On top of this I came home with an insurmountable load of laundry to do & in such pain & agony I winced as I climbed my stairs to check & move the loads from washer & dryer, being dependant on others to sometimes carry the loads upstairs for me. Others are not always available when needed & I hate asking people to do stuff, I'm seen as the Chore Queen, or so I fear, & often met with excuses as to why whatever it is cannot be done. Oh well. We manage to continue forward somehow. My cold reached the point where I was completely hoarse, the boys were sick as well. I also came home to a niece who had a stomach virus for days on end. Boy, extreme camping is sure looking good.
Survival skills are just as much used here on the home front as out in the wild I suppose, just of a different nature. Be Blessed Dear Readers!

Extreme Camping - Day 3 Recovering & Such

2007-10-17T08:54:00.000-07:00

Last night our intrepid camper Gumby (7 1/2 yr old) suddenly emerged from the camper to sit next to us by the campfire. With sad, watery eyes he said in a pitiful voice, "I feel sick". He nearly immediately threw-up. Crash (3 1/2 yr old) fell asleep without eating his dinner but had noshed on jerky like a wild man. I hadn't slept more than a cat-nap here & there at various times throughout the night. It was amusing to hear little guy snores & the occasional blurb of sleep-talking coming from one or both of the youngest two. Since the boys slept in the living & dining quarters of the camper, there was no where to escape to.
This morning Gumby was perfectly fine in a way that only children can be recovering from a virus. My hubby was kind enough to hand me coffee, however our big dog was vying for more attention & put her paw on my lap accidentally knocking the literally, boiling-hot beverage all over me. Funny how fast boiling liquid can seep through a robe & pajamas-but I wasn't laughing. After a bit of debating hubby finally decided to attempt taking the boys out on his own to fish a nearby lake he had not yet explored. I had mentioned the idea of hanging out at the camp today playing card games & watching movies but this was met with extreme disapproval from My Dearest. Apparently these fish are on a schedule & won't wait a day to be caught, ha ha. I am of the mind that his winning a game of electronic Yatzee against me is what set the odds in my favor & elevated his mood to the status of fearlessly taking his sons fishing without me. I had previously beat the socks of him a couple times at games of electronic scrabble on his palm pilot. Men & egos are tricky things, like a moody cat or an injured wild animal. I envisioned open fractures & no cell signal. While the former is highly unlikely, the latter is true. When they left I locked the door - just in case, in case of what I don't know, there is virtually nobody around other than an occasional deer hunter a few miles away passing by. So, unless squirrels are going to knock on the door & try to sell me something or ask for me to put more dog food out, I should be race-ready for a nap. If sleep would just come. hubby's cpap machine hadn't been working so he was snoring during the nights too. Without that to contend with I may have a chance! Yea!
After finally relaxing (without my restless leg medicine & sleep medicine that's tough to do) I fell asleep for about 2 hours. Waking to have my same disc slip in my back for the 2nd time today wasn't fun. However, spying 2 Golden mantle chipmunks delight in running up to our dog food bowl, eat a kernel & take one back to their little homes gave me great joy & entertainment. In my next life, I want to be a chipmunk: they're suppose to get fat in the winter & rest a lot. The rest of the time they're spunky, energetic & always cute, making people smile. It's a tough call, stay up & watch them haul off all our dog food or - go back to bed. I have a feeling more chippy viewing opportunities will more readily present themselves than napping opportunities, so, back to being a "Bed Zombie" as Gumby newly dubbed me. The sun is out but so is the wind, I'm so glad I got to stay behind today & nurse my cold & everything else that's wrong with me! Note to self - let hubby win more games of Yatzee.

Extreme Camping - Day 2 - The Main Event

2007-10-16T11:35:00.000-07:00

Heavy thump! Top bunk occupant has awoken. Pitter-patter, pitter-patter, soon followed by medium thump of middle bunk occupant & more pitter-patters. Whispering ensues & bottom bunk occupant emerges. The whispers verge on the brink of actual voice audibility with shushes & other orders issued by the oldest sibling, he is all of almost 8 after all!
Their daddy & I follow suit, whispering amongst ourselves. Discussion of breakfast ideas, how we slept (ha ha) & so on. Daddy dons a red cape & takes the lead getting up & prepping boys for the day, taking dogs out, firing up the generator & so on. When he had whispered to me he had coffee & sugar & creamer I had to burst with glee "Oh, I love you!!" My hero!! After I had unwillingly gone through caffeine detox - no soda or coffee - for over a week.
Boys begging for M&Ms, marshmallows & other non-breakfast items settle for bacon & eggs instead. I hear our nearly 8 year old say, "I think Mommy is a Bed-Zombie because she won't wake up". He is right, I am a Bed-Zombie, just not always sleeping, often longing for sleep with legs fidgeting & my mind wandering. Husband reports snow has melted quite a bit over night -Thank God! It's too bad the other family did not stay, having left late in the evening. I ask why Husband has not taken us camping in the summer - his smirky reply is "..because I don't like bugs." I'm still in bed with a robe on for added warmth, thinking the bugs are smarter than we are.
After breakfast & layering everyone in thermals, 2 pairs of socks, sweatshirts, coats & hiking boots we drove to the trail to the lake where my husband has come to fish for about 20 years. Now, for the first time his wife & sons were introduced to the spot. I notice deer-hunters' foot-prints in the snow, they had been here the day before. I found it highly amusing that there now lay deer tracks weaving through their boot imprints. Then we found bear tracks. I was a bit concerned that lack of common sense kept us from changing direction rather than continuing on in our jaunt to the lake, the same direction the bear seemed to have gone before us. The fact that our dogs seemed totally unconcerned helped me feel a smidgen better, since fishing poles, folding chairs & a pocket knife seemed inadequate resources to fight off a bear if need be.
My hips ached, my arms burned with pain from carrying just a few items, including a tote bag with medicine, camera & notepad, etc. Stopping frequently & as if a child in the backseat of a station-wagon I kept asking "are we there yet?" between panting breaths. It was, thankfully, a fairly wind-free day & the sun even pushed its way through the clouds from time to time. The shore was sandy with tiny bits of snow mingled in. No sooner had we arrived then there were echoing comments uttered in slightly whiny little boy voices, "I'm bored" "I'm hungry" "Can we go back to the camper now?" "Can we go home?" Like militant soldiers we issued answers & doled out provisions. Camp Robbers, also called Gray-Jays came to keep us company. They swooped in to eat cracker pieces I purposely dropped for them. They kept our dogs highly amused & busy chasing them away, even the boys got in on the action. Our 6 year old remarked that we were catching more birds than fish. I had to laugh at the validity of the statement, but mind you it hadn't been long. The birds were using the fishing rods as perches. Becoming quite comfortable with us a gray jay landed on my head starling me as I uttered "don't poop" & sending my husband into deep laughter. I was so grateful for the still air that was almost warm as the sun kept trying to push its way through the clouds. The quiet was so comforting to my soul, as was the chair for my exhausted, worn out body. About 45 minutes after lunch the first rainbow trout was caught & about 40 minutes after that a second. Each time it was as if Mother Nature was giving us a nod of approval - the sun shone warmly down on us, the campfire took hold, a Gray-Jay landed on my foot & on my lap. The kids were curious about the fish continuing to flop in the gunny-sack. Even the bait seemed more lively than I at this point. It wriggled through the dirt with ease & agility. I know something is wrong when I'm jealous of fishing bait's liveliness! Cloud formations made me wish that fibro-brain-fog hadn't erased so much of what I had once learned. I had read a book on symbolism but forgotten it. As I wondered what first an eagle, a horse, a fish & a deer represented, as I made the clouds out to be in these formations.
The day wore on without laundry woes nor dishes nor video games, it was lovely. Just note to any city-dwellers, when roughing it on an outing in the woods & needing to squat, to take care of business, it is important to first note the lay of the land. Make sure neither foot is on the downhill slope. As a trivia bonus I will also tell you that toilet paper is avidly referred to as "mountain money" having an elevated status as a luxurious multi-purposeful necessity, being used for runny noses & dirty hands as well. The fishing was at a lull but the boys found a frog & the dogs kept busy on chipmunk & squirrel patrol. We took a different trail back to the truck & I was given more help in carrying items, plus it was downhill, yea! At one point a large tree had fallen across the trail, we had to climb over it. Our smallest family member hollered out as he struggled over it, "Think dis a bad idea guys!" but managed to continue on. A bit further on he declared "Wow, dat pretty "mazing!" over something he saw along the way. Our 6 1/2 year old was eager to carry the bag of fish, which is good because I wasn't! He kept singing "We got 2 rainbow trout" over & over in various formats ending with a rap rendition. He then stated that the fish were hard to carry because 1 kept slapping his leg. A moment later he confidently proclaimed "there, I made them dizzy by running, now they aren't slapping me any more" A short time after this he asks, "Mom, are bears real?" I said yes & he asked why one hadn't come to eat him since he's carrying fish & Bears eat fish. I said the bear must have had other things to do today & we're lucky! After stopping to fetch (not buy) firewood, we came back to our make-shift home: camper, circus-tent-canopy ( the tarp over the table) & what our friends had deemed "the French Quarter" due to our old exterior house lights which my husband recycled onto stands to use for out-door camp - lighting. Oh, & last but not least, our child size zoo animal bench. The boys were fearful of their marshmallow roasting status with the fire off to a dull start so Dad appeased them & tickled them silly by pouring "girl-scout juice" (aka: gasoline) on it with blazes roaring in response. The boys found it fun to set a round of wood for Dad to split then carry & stack it, I'm sure if it was a more regular ritual the fun would wear off quickly but for now, thankfully, they enjoyed helping out. Crash kept saying something we were trying to understand & finally got it right. He saw the sparks from the fire & was calling them fire-midges! Midges are like gnats & in mass quantity in the summer where we live.
Seeing my husband in his element was like seeing a whole different person. It's hard to be who we really are when we work a zillion hours then habitually meld into the couch in exhaustion. It also is difficult to be our true selves when we are wracked with pain. Although today's event's have devastating consequences on my health, I'm glad to have witnessed first hand the making of these memories.

Extreme Camping - Day 1 Getting There

2007-10-11T08:37:00.000-07:00

We took 2 vehicles on our camp trip since the boys & I would be coming back earlier than my husband. The boys rode with him & the dogs with me. I enjoyed every minute of the peace & quiet, not even turning on the radio for our over 2 hour drive. The annual fall foliage color changes were pretty to observe. i had the back windows partially down for the furry babies & as we climbed in elevation I could actually hear the leaves quaking in the chilly wind. It had been 28*earlier this morning at our home located at about 4,000 feet elevation. Now, the road we traveled seemed to only lend itself to other campers, raised up 4 wheel drive trucks & an occasional semi-truck as we climbed to 6,000 feet elevation. The road signs seemed to stick out more than usual with their ominous messages: "carry traction devices" "do not pass snow plows on the right" & so on. We climbed ever higher on this lightly trafficked road, the various pine trees seemed to encroach upon the roadway, leaning in from either side nearly enveloping us. My leery concerns & the weather forecast came to fruition as I began to see patches of snow scattered here & there. For a brief space the trees gave way to a view of a lake, choppy with wind-induced waves. Still we traveled on. The wild shrubs & plants seemed to be waving us back as if a warning. Then the scattered patches of snow took over, reversing the order of things, now patches of earth were the rarity to see & soon non-existent. Even the pine trees were more white than green.
We finally arrived at our snow covered destination. The family joining us for at least a little while arrived shortly after us. I shoveled snow off a picnic table. My husband leveled the camper & a fire was built. Chairs were put out & snacks made handy. The collective group of now 5 boys wasted no time in making a huge snowball. A bird chirped excitedly at our arrival, probably in hopes of crumbs. The dogs played happily in the snow. A canopy was erected over the picnic table & towels helped finish drying off the previously snow ensconced sign of civilization (aka-the table). A comment was made about "welcome to the big top" & appropriately so because the bird's eye view did resemble a bit of a circus.

Despite the elevation induced ear ache, the cold & wet aching in my bones & not just surrounding us, it all somehow made me smile. My 6 year old in a giant coat, my 3 year old crying to go home because his hands are wet & cold after begging for a week "When are we going camping?". Seeing my husband in his element-sharing with his wife & children the spot where his family & their close friends have gathered annually for 23 years & will return for the 24th year in just a few days. Trails originally forged around & to the nearby lake by his great-grandfather, still in use today. I've retreated to the camper to write. Through the window I see comradery of 3 families, I hear the fire crackling & snow falling off the trees, conversation flowing. I brave the cold once more to actually try to take part in it all. Besides, the chicken should be grilling soon!
The snow continued to melt, falling in startling clumps as it melted off the trees. All notion of time was lost & pinky promises were made to roast marshmallows tomorrow. I made my retreat to the camper with the kids, all 5 of the boys! They with their chocolate milk & "Danger Mouse" cartoon video (hooray for the generator) I with my medicine, dry pajamas, robe, socks, notepad & pen. It feels like home but instead of a neighbor's cat or dog it may be a bear I see out the window! So ends Day 1.

Fall Is In The Air & Immenently On The Ground

2007-10-06T09:40:00.000-07:00

As I awoke in my semi-chilly bedroom to cartoons blaring from the living-room I unwillingly got up. After a bit of slow movement & mindlessly shoveling cereal into my mouth I was prodded into action by my husband's taunt, "are you ever going to get moving this morning?" I checked the weather forecast on the computer & saw it was a balmy 28* this morning, giving me the urge to sunbathe, no, more like "cloud-bathe". Yeah, gotta work on that tan no matter what ya know?-Said by me, the pasty white chick writing this !
Instead I countered this minute urge with actually packing for our family-fun-filled-extended weekend of camping in the boon-toolies. I packed my clothes, personal items, medicine & other items to plan for every & any contingency. I can attribute this handy little quirk to being a realist, or what my husband calls a pessimist. Call it what you want, it's better to have junk you don't need than to be in a remote, isolated area & need junk you don't have. I even packed for boredom, kid card games, drawing paper, movies & a hand held game system. I remembered dog food & band aids & toothbrushes (for the kids, not the dogs, hee hee). Yes, Super-mom, that is, until I found out about the one contingency I hadn't planned on. My 6 yr old left his coat at school. Go figure huh? I have to draw the line at breaking into the elementary school to scavenger-hunt through their lost & found box on a Saturday morning. We will manage somehow. A bon-fire, one of Daddy's over sized-coats & my happy pills & anti-anxiety meds should take care of everything! Somehow cloud-bathing is becoming more appealing too. But no! Family fun damn it, that's what this is about, for the kids by golly!!! For the kids. Will they know what I went through? No, They may not even remember the trip at all, but I'll be there with camera in tow, clicking away to make sure they have no choice but to remember.
Yesterday I saw a lady in Walmart using a scooter. I envied her bravery as I am too embarrassed to use one. To filled with anxiety over the possibility of someone confronting me with the "You're not that old, you look fine to me, why are you using this? My wife/husband/whomever needs one & there are none left!" Would I dare to answer or would I automatically assume my needs are insignificant in comparison to someone else's? After waiting in the car for the 2nd 1/2 of the shopping trip, unable to stand & walk any longer, I saw a man in the parking lot moving his scooter with grace & agility from between two cars & into the store. I admired him. I probably would have bumped into something, not knowing how to drive the things. Maybe once invisible illnesses become more readily understood & in the mainstream media, maybe then I will overcome my fears & actually seek the mobility-aids I need. But that is a big Maybe!
When I got something at another store quickly in & out & I climbed back into the truck my bad wrist (hyper mobility) buckled yet again. This time it did not snap one way or the other, it just completely collapsed, sending throbbing pain through my hand Wearing my wrist-brace nearly 24/7 makes me feel like that weird guy on "Prison Break" that has the dead hand sewn on one arm.
Well, the dogs are so happy after the camper taunting them in the driveway for a week or more, their day in the sun (so to speak) has finally come. They are thrilled. My husband even recycled a bit using our old outdoor houselights & mounting them to scrap lumber, building stands to have outdoor lighting run on the generator. Just so nobody stumbles about in the night. He also purchased string lights of trout & beer bottles-one must decorate appropriately for such an outing I suppose. Well, of course after buying such novelties there was no money left to get some of my medicine nor any of his. That man & his priorities I tell you what. But the heart wants who it wants...which may explain his staying with me as well. He is now getting ice for the ice-chests, then packing them & then the other crazy family will meet us & off we will go. So, if you don't hear from me by next Wednesday just know my high IQ hubby, who holds in all emotion until he explodes & has been given cutlery by his older brother always said what Scott Peterson did wrong & how it should properly be done. So, alert the Media if I'm not back in touch - OK?
Be Blessed, Dear Readers, whomever your higher power be. Be thankful for mobility in any form & for mobility aids being available. Be thankful for cameras & building family memories, no matter how or what the consequences.

Ages & Stages & Legislation

2007-10-03T08:52:00.000-07:00

Yesterday my little Crash gave me a huge hug & said, "Mommy me wuv you & when you bake cookies me whowe duper wuv you!!!" And yes, speech therapy is helping the little tyke tremendously. Now, that little quote just reminds me of the old adage, "A way to a man's heart is through his stomach". So, I went with it. Not in the sense of baking cookies, only because we didn't have all the ingredients nor time nor money to go to the store. But I went with it today instead.
Today my oldest son is 18 yrs old. I keep remembering a birthday party when he was in about 3rd grade where we taunted him & his friends letting them beat up a purple telletubby pinata since we all hated the telletubbies. I also keep remembering leaving the hospital with him dressed in little football sweats & lo0king like he had been on the loosing team playing without a helmet because he was so bruised up. Now, now he's a senior in high-school & plays offence, defence & special teams almost never leaving the football field. He's now taller than me & much bigger than me. So today I cooked him a special breakfast & Crash & I will bake him a cake.
Tomorrow is my 11th wedding anniversary, that's also hard to believe. I jokingly told my husband, "you realize that we've now been married long enough for me to get alimony from you?" He seemed bummed & we jested back & forth, it was quite fun. It is sad that many couples are forced to divorce because there is more financial aid & public assistance available to single people. Elderly couples who've been married for 60 years are divorcing to receive better government benefits. Now that's sad. I've actually known people who divorce so that the wife can qualify for student financial aid. Once a degree is obtained some of these people have gotten remarried. That is a sad state of affairs isn't it? I guess we all have to play by the rules however bizarre the rules are.
Speaking of rules, the fact that an 18 yr old can vote & die for his country but not old enough to drink is just bizarre to me. I guess my point is, some things really need changed in our government & laws. But I am sure I've worn a hole in my soap box from standing on it so often ranting away. Forgive me please.
Today is a rainy day in my part of the great Pacific North West. It is leaving me longing for a good book & lazing by the fire. I do believe Crash has other ideas though, as he keeps interrupting me every 2 minutes to discuss various things with me. I treasure these interruptions though because before long, he will be 18 like his big brother is today. The time slips by so fast.
Dear Readers Be Blessed & enjoy each stage & age of your life & your child's. Thank you for reading.

Fashion Non-Sense & Dust Bunnies

2007-09-29T10:24:00.001-07:00

Fashion-sense is such a misnomer, it truly ought to be called "fashion-nonsense" don't you agree? I suppose the fact that it makes zillions of cents instead is suppose to make up for that shortcoming.
Earlier this week I saw a photo of some new fashion line. The title of the article said something about fashion covering it's face. Naturally, that got my attention! The photo was a blonde model wearing thick gold chains across her face in a pattern that could only make one think of Hannibal Lector's character in Silence of the Lambs. If it hadn't grossed me out I would have laughed. I mean, was the designer angry at his wife - did she nag or cook a bad meal or were an immeasurable amount of drugs involved?
My 3 yr old son is apparently taking his fashion queues from MTV gangsta-rappers (& no I don't let him watch such nonsense) but where & how he was exposed to this venue is a total mystery to me. None the less, when asked to put on jammies the other night he came out without a shirt on, a pair of baggy shorts & a Scooby Do ski - hat all catywampus on his head. My 6 yr old is also learning is own hip-hop moves also by osmosis. I'm not sure what's going on but have to admit, the kid's got talent!
In other news we are having friends over for a BBQ this evening. The only concern of mine is that they won't treasure the dust-bunnies that I've been careful to allow to develop & nurture their growth & even name like I do. OK, you caught me, I don't love the dang dust bunnies, I just don't seem to be able to stop their reproductive cycle-does anyone have dust-bunny birth control ? Is that something I go to a vet for or do I look in the cleaning aisle of the store?? Pledge you say? Got some, it, as you may have already guessed, has dust on it too. Remodeling is a dirty business let me tell you. Just how do you dust the inside guts of a wall? I mean, some of that junk is suppose to be there isn't it? Good Grief!!!! Anyway, the wife is the cutest little Philippine woman you ever saw with a heart of gold! They went boating with us one day & she was content to man the BBQ & do all the cooking most of the day! She cleans constantly & even was employed as a housekeeper for sometime. Our home is, well....decidedly NOT anything like theirs except for the love factor. I'm so nervous, but when am I not a little human-chiwawa as my husband calls me? Hubby was moving my antique radio this morning to move the salt-water aquarium into its place & ended up with a dustpan full of our little friends, this one was so large I was looking for feet & / or a tail on it!!! Martha would absolutely drop dead here!
I also had the dear man tell me this morning quite frankly, "You've got to quit worrying so much over what other people think or say! You'd be less afraid of having a gun to your head than of being in a situation where someone might say something negative about you". I pictured this scenario as he spoke & without hesitation agreed. Heck, with a gun to my head I'd probably be reasoning with the gunman & trying to protect everyone. But say something nasty to me or have there be a slight chance of someone saying something & I crumble. Now I've just let loose my Achilles' heel, promise not to fling any arrows!!!! -please?
Be Blessed Dear Readers, wishing you all fashionable BBQs without dust-bunnies!

I Wanna Be 3 Years Old Again

2007-09-26T08:31:00.000-07:00

My little "Crash" will be 4 years old toward the end of November. This morning, after making me totally exasperated with his growling at me & "me so mad at you mommy" for wanting him to put on a jacket & socks & shoes to go outside before 8:00AM on a crisp Autumn morning in the Pacific Northwest, he stated 5 minutes later, "me willy wuv you mommy, whowe, duper much". I am loving seeing life through his eyes!

Here in this state, the unofficial motto is: "If you don't like the weather, wait 5 minutes". The same can be said for the emotions of my 3 yr old. I had mentioned that his socks didn't match (1 was patterned with some yellow on it & the other was completely white) and that 1 sock had a hole in it with his big toe popping out. He said quite non-shalantely, "yeah, me know, me like it dat way dow". Do have any idea how convenient that would be, how liberating, as adults if we could just wear pajama bottoms to work with a dress shirt or a fuzzy slipper on 1 foot & a flip flop on another because, we like it that way? How totally unencumbered life could be. We can color the sky red & green, with blue grass, we can eat gummy fruit snacks for breakfast & cookies for dinner & a full course dinner for lunch if we want. Pancakes without chocolate chips would be unheard of. The only thing in the world better than Sesame Street would be watching it with a friend with your heads hanging upside down over the edge of the couch. The only worry would be whether we needed to go to the store for more strawberry or chocolate milk mix or not. The only requirement that you would be nagged about would be to remember to wipe, flush & wash when in the bathroom. Otherwise, as my oldest son's first baby sitter's daughter use to sing, "Don't worry, be happy, toys are in the toy box"!!!

Yup, I really wanna be 3 years old again & I'm already mourning the loss of that age in my little guy too, even though it isn't for another 2 months. Dear Readers, today I wish you your own remembrances of 3 years old and whomever your higher power be, Be Blessed!

The Diseased Spider

2007-09-23T05:19:00.000-07:00

To call this story "MY Diseased Spider" would indicate I have some sort of ownership over it, sadly, it seems to own me more often than not. I had not invited this atrocity into my life nor my home, yet here he was all the same. To some he was deemed an innocuous, petty irritant, not worthy of recognition much less trying to dislodge him. To me, however, he was a much greater threat.

This unwelcome house guest was spinning an evil web of connections from one area to another where none should be. It pained me to watch how effortlessly he was taking over what had once been my domain. His mere existence terrifying me, rendering me nearly immobile with fear & disdain. I was powerless to defeat this monster, although to some, my reaction seemed melodramatic & ridiculous. I was overcome by this entity's presence & venomous state. Abruptly I edged further away from the things in my life I once enjoyed, wincing with each backwards step. Nearly reduced to tears, I tried to turn my back & run away from it. One cannot escape what resides within however, & each day I found myself checking for more signs of its existence. Fearfully wanting to pinpoint this monster & overpower it, ridding it from my life. Ah, but this creature was tricky & adept at hiding, lurking & expanding its web, thus creating even more painful connections with twists & turns. Some laughed at my trepidations & the fact I'd subcommed to something they deemed so petty. Why couldn't my pain be realized, understood & treated? Why did others not see the magnitude & imploding effect of this unwanted house guest?

I tried in many ways to exterminate what lay within, but each failed attempt killed a little of myself instead. The weight of this inextinguishable parasite grew heavy within. Over time it became difficult for me to know where it ended (if at all) & I began - or if I still even existed in my true form? The toxins I used in hope of regaining my life created difficulties of their own. Do I even remember how to step forward anymore rather than back? If so, my grace is surely gone. I will hobble with a red-flagged limp stating of its own "This person has been damaged in ways you cannot see". Even one rickety, faltering step forward, even if only inches, is still a victory worth fighting for. I have no chance of being who I was before, but hopefully a chance of possibly being better than I am.

Yup, My Life Has Changed

2007-09-22T08:21:00.000-07:00

I recently took a friend out to help cheer her up at her place of choice. We ended up in a smoke filled, maximum capacity obtained, small bar with patrons singing karaoke. There were a lot of nice looking young people there & a few who didn't fit that description. Now, back in the day I would have been flirting most likely. Now, however, I looked at these people & thought, "hm, I know I'm old enough to be his or her mother, maybe his mom too". Now that just takes the fun outta the whole deal right there I tell you what! I am no longer sensing myself as a vibrant woman, but rather as a mother with no sexuality attached at all. I'm even understanding for the first time & envying how my grandparents had separate twin beds with a night stand between them! I'd sleep so much better without my husband's arm occasionally drifting over to my side of the bed or cover pulling tug-of-war.

Seeing the world through young, innocent eyes is a nice reminder of days gone by & helps make up for the above paragraph full of age-acknowledgement. My husband recently made a retaining wall in our front yard. My 3 yr old asked, "What dis gonna be mom?" I answered him saying, "It's going to be a flower bed full of pretty flowers." My son then excitedly said, "Oh yeah, fwower bed, me want to seep in it!" (translation: Oh yeah, a flower bed, I want to sleep in it!"). I believe he mentioned it & he would smell good too. Not only does my 3 yr old have a new take on what a "flower bed" is but he also managed to teach his father, an Information Systems Manager, a new computer trick by what he managed to do to my little PC in just a matter of seconds. He's definitely Daddy's boy!!!

I guess that would make my daughter all mine. She recently dented our pickup truck's bed turning a corner too sharp & hitting a pole in a drive up coffee/juice stand. She was told to get an estimate to have it fixed. Apparently she got a "cuteness discount" only being quoted $400. with an on the spot estimate despite the place advertising estimates by appointment only. She claims she couldn't have looked too good being in her cross-country running uniform but apparently the body shop would disagree with that - Whoopee!!!
Well Dear Readers, whomever your higher power be, Be Blessed & enjoy each stage of your life!

Fight or Flight Response & Worn Out Blankies

2007-09-18T17:51:00.000-07:00

A more recent theory regarding Fibromyalgia is that the affected person's fight-or-flight response mechanism, which is only meant for short term sporadic use to get us out of a sticky situation, gets turned permanently on. This perma-on status leads to deplenished levels of various brain chemicals which are just a tad important to say the least. Researchers try to associate this to a traumatic event which could have triggered such an episode. For me, it was probably a lifetime of abusive relationships & being threatened, assaulted, and so on.

Back in my youth I had thought of myself as strong, able to handle anything & more than willing to put a cad or jerk in his place if he dared to mess with a friend of mine. I felt fairly invinsible. Even though I wanted to die inside & often would drink in excess then attempt to go swimming or wander out to the middle of the road to "look at the pretty lights" not the healthiest pass time one could engage in. Despite it all, I survived, just to further endure more negativity. Once I finally became so crippled with Fibromyalgia that I could hardly walk any longer, while concurrently coming down with migraines with the prodromol effect of blindness & being a single mother to 2 preschoolers, I could no longer fight my way out of situations.

Enter the era of the beloved blankie! My bed, for some reason had always felt like a safe haven for me. A soft, comforting, warm, snugly area to either curl up in a ball & cry into my pillow, beg for an end to it all, or stretch out in comfort. Even though one night I woke up in pitch blackness with the ominous feeling of someone watching me, only to make out the outline of a figure in my room right before he lunged on top of me covering my mouth with his hand. Still, I managed to maintain a feeling of security in my bed, just not my home! I won't go into the post-traumatic stress disorder I suffered from for years or how it still effects which seat or table I choose at a restaurant or other such place, we'll save that for another time or not at all.

Apparently when I have no way to fight & no where to run away to- my bed is my escape from it all. Pulling a "chicken little" or ostrich syndrome with head buried under covers, just allowing a small viewing area to the world beyond my pillow as I try to convince myself that the sky isn't really falling. Sometimes Xanax can be a great help in moderating this debate within my mind.

Over the years I've become more sensitive to sound, additionally I worry to no end about kids, bills, marriage, various other things too trivial & bizarre to mention, but the cure is still the same-my bed. Sometimes I wish my view from my bed to the window was filled with more light or less, I think of projects I'd do if only, if only I could feel free enough to get out of bed. Mind you when I hear a strange sound, my husband has deemed all my "strange sounds that I hear" as "fly farts in Mexico" I am the one to lunge forward & go on patrol through the house & look about outside. When nothing is found I regret the time lost from my bed & return to it, re-establishing the comfort process with pillows being just so & so on. Being a tad paranoid, I thought there was something wrong with me having this obsession with my bed, but I've found out differently.

This is just a version of the fight or flight response turned permanently on in us quirky Fibromyalgia patients. I'm not sure if that makes me feel better or not, but at least I understand it a little better! I also have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.

Despite my love affair with my bed, blankets, pillows & so on, I normally awaken feeling like I've been beaten by baseball bats from avid pinata seekers. I am not full of candy dang it, I'm just "festively plump"!!!

Till next time Dear Readers, I wish you perfect pillows, soft blankets, a comforter of perfect weight, size & texture, earplugs if you wish, an eye mask if you like & anything else necessary to comfort you. Be Blessed & sleep well.

An Official Holliday!

2007-09-14T10:01:00.000-07:00

It was an official holiday here at your house last night. not one you will readily find on any calendar, but a holiday none the less! The occasion you ask? I made dinner - a real dinner! It was devoured for the most part-this despite not including macaroni and cheese. My 7 year old even asked for seconds of "smashed potatoes & that other stuff" pointing to the chicken fried steak. My 3 year old who originally had looked at it and stated, "Oh me hate that stuff" decided if big brother was having more, it was worth a shot.

Not only did I make dinner and put food away, I also did the dishes. I've been taking myself off medicines, frustrated with all the side effects and I'm regaining considerable energy. The problem with this is being unable to relax and sleep, which can be bothersome. I come to be jealous of the sleeping members of the household, then resentful, why should they get to sleep when I don't? sleep deprivation just adds to my craziness but I prefer the term "cute little quirks" it just sounds more fun & happy spirited! I get very loopy and slow to catch on to things being said, this is what I refer to as "child like innocence" -see, there's always a more chipper way to look at any situation. I know for certain, my family is not mourning any future or current sleep loss or other health burdens I may face. no, they are celebrating that Mom fed them something other than a sandwich, cereal, frozen food or hot-dogs. Oh, or my all time favorite mantra, "forage for food" meaning - clean out the fridge of leftovers or whatever else you feel like finding around the house. So yes, I, bzmomkfor cooked dinner tonight! Mark your calendars, it may just become an annual event - maybe.

Well good day Dear Readers, have a blessed day, for today I wish you satisfying, holiday-worthy dining.

In Honor of National Invisible Chronic Illness Awareness Week:

2007-09-13T14:01:00.000-07:00

September 10-16 is National Invisible Chronic Illness Awareness Week. September is Pain Awareness Month. So, in honor of this, as if I don't tell y'all enough already, I submit these 2 views of my life:

WAKING LIFE

Deplenished REM sleep takes its toll on cognitive function, memory skills are lowered & clumsiness elevated. Medications to combat Chronic Fatigue Syndrome & Fibromyalgia Syndrome often have side effects which worsen these already problematic routine functions, as well as lower response time and cause drowsiness. It is a vicious circle. I trade off these functions, these abilities, or lack there of, in hopes of combating pain. This is my life - I hold on to railing, careful & mindful of each stair step I take so as not to fall. Driving is out of the question unless I forgo the medicines and deal with the pain. The pain makes me more tense & irritable. knowing I'm more irritable upsets me & makes me more tense, this all adds to heightened pain, stiffness, fatigue. I try to get by & be as kind as possible, maybe accomplish something. It all drains me, making me so overwhelmingly tired. Then, the time comes for the project of attempting sleep. This is my life & that of many others with Fibromyalgia Syndrome & Chronic Fatigue Syndrome-welcome.

The Fine Art of Napping

It is my firm belief that it is to the American culture's detriment that we have not embraced the concept of napping. Be it a 15-20 minute power nap or a 30-60 minute siesta, there are many benefits to be had by resting one's body & mind for a bit.

As an "olympic-gold-medal-equivalent-napper" I am often viewed as lazy. The truth of the matter is - I am working very hard! I lay down & have to be in just the right position, I have to move a pillow between my knees to reduce tension on my hip. I have to have a pillow next to me for my arm to drape across & not pull too much. I then have to make myself aware of my body's alignment, being hypermobile it is easy to unknowingly contort into a position which will cause more strain on my body later. The next step is to deploy any & all relaxation steps in my arsenal. I work very hard at being aware of where various tension spots in my body are while lying in as comfortable of a position as possible. If my neck is stiff or hurting I need to know if I've over-extended it for example. Then there is the Restless Leg Syndrome to deal with. Then there is the restless leg syndrome to deal with. I try to taper my movement down from my leg to just my feet, to just my toes, from there I work on letting my mind be free from association of the movement at all. Breathing techniques are now used. Deep cleansing breath in as I imagine myself lilting upward, free of any weights - physical or emotional. I picture "blue sky days" & gently, slowly exhale all the built up pains & Tensions & Worries, allowing them to fall away from me. This process repeats with further cleansing breaths & visualization of "blue sky days" until I no longer have to think about it at all. I'm resting ever so gently on a fluffy white cloud. I am safe here, I am comforted, I am finally relaxed.

As you can see it is quite a process! But it helps rejuvenate me. Considering that during the night when most people get their REM sleep & muscles rebuild, we who suffer Fibromyalgia & Chronic Fatigue & Restless Leg Syndrome wake up in pain - naps are necessary. Despite our best efforts at becoming comfortable we now must reposition ourselves because the pain is too great, it has awoken us from blissful slumber, taunting us to see if we can get back to sleep again. moving all the pillows about, stretching to help stave off the Restless Leg Syndrome, hoping my bad hip will allow me to lay on it - just for a little while. Again with the leg / feet fidgeting, again realigning the body, again sighing with frustration at this all too familiar situation. My mind buzzes, fully awake. Do I get up? If so, what do I do without waking the other 8 people, 2 dogs & 2 parrots in the house? If I get up am I starting a bad habit? I've found the answer is an unequivicable, undeniable yes - my internal clock then auto-wakes me at roughly the same time the next night, expecting to get up -again. So now I must work even harder to be comfortable, to quiet my legs & my mind & to drift back to sleep. I work very hard to be able to sleep, as you've just been given insgiht to. And, if you can now understand how difficult it is to sleep when one has FMS, CFS, RLS, imagine how difficult waking life is!

Be Blessed Dear Readers & be aware that people who "look fine" are not always fine, many suffer invisible illnesses & deal with eye-rolls & glares & even being told "get over it" which would never happen if we had something you could see.

My Red Cape Lost At The Cleaners

2007-09-13T08:55:00.000-07:00

Now mind you Dear Readers, my cape is at the cleaners due to lint & dust-bunny build up, not from stains obtained in rugged in-battle use. Lost at the cleaners, yes, probably they are trying to sew together holes worn in it from moths. Yup, you got it, I am a lackadaisical Non-Super-mom/wife/human-being.

From time to time I am faced with a question: "Do I make a difference?" I would love to be one of those dynamic women with a revered career & a super mom. In another lifetime ago I did have such a career, I volunteered at my children's school one day a week after working 4 10 hour days. I was a member of Soroptimist, etc. but like I said, that was another lifetime ago. So, what about this lifetime, the last decade? What's happened? I no longer enthusiastically do crafts with my kids on a regular basis, I sometimes beg their older siblings or my niece to take them to the park in my place, I don't even volunteer a half day a week in spite of not working a job at all. It isn't that I don't want to do these things, it's that for one reason or another I am no longer capable of many of these things. So, are we, as human beings, defined for who we are, or what we do? Is it a question of "What do you want to do with your life?" or one of "What do you want to be?" I think we incorrectly ask the latter when we mean the former. If it were "What do I want to be" I would have to answer happy, well adjusted, healthy & in a good & respectful, loving relationship if possible.

I would love it if my house would be impeccably neat, tidy & spotlessly cleaned at all times. My animals would be perfectly groomed & cared for. My children & I would learn foreign languages together just for fun & even the parrot would catch on. I'd fix delicious meals which never required opening a box or packet or frozen package & our menu would delightfully vary from one yummy meal to the next, rotating so as not to repeat within the same month. Dinner conversation with the whole family - or as close as possible' would lilt through the dining room with laughter mingled in. Unexpected strays dragged home by teenagers would always be a welcome addition & there'd always be enough food & room at the table. my houseplants would abound throughout our home & flourish without being silk fakes. My yard would always be weed free & beautiful due to my enjoyment of working in it. My car would be immaculately clean & organized, as would be my purse - outfitted to be prepared for any occasion & always matching my outfits while being seasonally appropriate. My children would not be pushed or forced into sport participation or various other activities, but would do the ones which interested them with our spare time filled as mentioned previously. I would go on bike rides with them & learn to ice skate with them & so on.

I want desperately to be this person! To be respected & admired by family, friends, community & strangers alike. To donate time/services & goods to various charitable organizations as well as make it to church more than once a year. I want to be this person or even just 1/10th of what this person is...but I am not & I have no hope of achieving it. I would settle for keeping our bills paid on time, being able to walk down my stairs to my mailbox pain free & find something other than collection notices or past-due warnings. I had previously prided myself on my lone independence & strength but those qualities are all but distant memories now. My older children don't remember the "healthy" me & what all I did. My younger children have only known the unhealthy me. The mother who hides under the covers, sometimes crying, wanting to scream to the heavens for a chance to be the mother who does so much more. More than lying on a heating pad filled with medication, calling it a great victory if I carry my laundry basket up & down the stairs. I want to be the person who can lift a milk jug out of the fridge without dislocating my wrist.

I'm tired, so very tired. Tired of being misunderstood. Tired of my health insurance company denying everything possible when we pay such outrageously high rates. I'm tired of mustering an unbelievable amount of willpower just to get dressed & pick up my 3 1/2 year old for a hug. Tired of feeling like I've just done 3 rounds of a major workout when I 1st wake up in the morning. Tired of feeling like I've been beaten with baseball bats while I ran a tread climber with 20 pound weights strapped to each leg & arm. Tired of not living up to others' expectations nor my own.

What do I contribute? My medicine co-pays could buy more groceries which we are low on, yet another humiliation. If I wasn't here, since I don't really see how I make a difference anyway, I would be 1 less mouth to feed, 1 less person to have to roll eyes at & shake heads accusing me of being phony when I'm happy to see company of any sort since most don't care to deal with me & my laundry list of problems. Are they right? Am I just crazy? I don't know, I just know I'm less than who I really am. That realization alone hurts to no end.

Maybe all this pain & angst is to propel me into motion somehow, to creatively deal with the laundry list of problems & moth riddled, dust-bunny collector that my "red cape" has become. If so, I pray this propulsion comes soon. A friend of mine mentioned to me in an email how things in life can come at us in waves, just ride it out. Rather than picturing a svelte woman in an awesomely fashionable wetsuit with matching surfboard carving up a wave, I picture myself more as Shamu, but what can I say, I do make a splash of one sort or another don't I? Maybe that is yet another problem to add to the list.

Well Dear Readers, my dusty, moth holed cape & I are seeking a jet-propulsion pack to launch us into productivity that makes a difference-maybe today, that will be walking my own stairs without gritting my teeth in pain & hanging on to the railing, maybe something more grand, like pushing my 3 younger boys on the tire swing, who knows? I wish you a bit of mystery as to what awaits you on your red-cape ride of life & to be blessed by whomever your higher power may be.

Flooding

2007-09-06T08:54:00.000-07:00

About a year ago the nearby lake swelled to such proportions that it broke the dike, flooded across the roadway and overtook a sunken marshy area on the other side. For some time the road was closed off only available for one way traffic until enough manpower had contained the flooded area sufficiently to reopen the road. The consensus was to leave the dike breached and the re-claimed farmland was now re-re-claimed lake bed. So is the case on the other side of the road where the sunken marshy area had been as well. There is a partially protruding, large piece of farm equipment standing as a lone testament to what happened just a year ago. Otherwise, all looks to be "normal" - the water looks like it is suppose to be where it is now, the road has large concrete barriers protecting it supposedly in case of further attempts to flood overboard.

For some reason, i recently felt a connection to the lone, rusting piece of farm equipment which lay all but forgotten in the midst of it's watery grave. It had once been useful, of value, now, it lay decomposing, rotting, still, doing nothing. Maybe its stance provided a memory of its former glory to other passersby, like it did for me. Had I ever been able to make someone fully appreciate my former glory? Not likely.

Later that same day I experienced a flood of a different sort. While not one of water, but of emotion and memory, it seemed just as powerful, if not more so. I had to take my 6 year old for a sleep deprived EEG to check for absence seizure disorder. It was in the same place I had to take his little brother to check for cystic fibrosis with a sweat-test. Both children had, at their individual tests, cooperated fully and been amazingly wonderful-what troopers! However, something about seeing my underweight 6 year old with a skull-cap full of cameras and wiring was overpowering to me. it reminded me of when he was born and in the nursery for 10 days at our local hospital before being air-life-flown to this hospital. I had learned with grace & skill how to hold him with all the wiring attached & the oxygen tube. It had seemed oddly easy to hold him without all the various machines hooked to him. He had weighed over 8 pounds at birth and was made to loose weight to help him breathe better. now, he's just a little stick boy. I had tried so hard to deny those memories, to push them out and now here they all were kicking me in the teeth again - six years later. It was very creepy to feel so helpless, to view my son through the eyes of someone only seeing the medical problems or apparatuses, rather than seeing with the love of a mother who can see past all that to the child within. I was so thankful to get him unhooked and awake, to leave, to receive such a good report afterward. Praise God!

Then we made our way past the "flood zone" again to find our way back home. Once there the letdown, the meltdown, the "God I need a nap & to forget we just did all this" occurred. Finally, an anxiety medication helped combat that emotional flood and sweet, blessed, glorious sleep followed.

Just two days before all of this my teenage daughter came to spend the night and go boating with us the next day. She let me hold her which is no small thing. I was able to stroke her hair, to wipe her tears to share our pains in a cathartic release, to embrace her and remind her she always had a home in our house and in our hearts. She is moved back in now! That was a flood of emotion and triumph and answered prayers right there as well. So, excuse, please Dear Readers, this water-logged entry, which has little or nothing to do with water at all. But, as you can see, I've been experiencing flooding all week. I'm luckily feeling like I have a life preserver to hang onto with one hand and the other hand free to help maneuver me about the deep and sometimes murky waters/emotions of life. I wish you the same life preserver Dear Readers, be blessed!

Sleepwalking

2007-09-01T15:42:00.000-07:00

My 6 year old frequently ends up on our couch sometime during the course of the night. Sometimes he has his own blanket, sometimes not. I've asked him if he remembers coming out to the couch, he often looks confused and then blankly answers yes, although I'm not sure he really does. My teenage daughter has also awoken to find herself in the middle of our stairway and other odd places. I myself have been semi-asleep and eaten a bowl of cereal in the dark then gone back to bed. I've read articles about sleep being the new "sex" for newly wed couples, too tired from a too busy life..

It has all made me wonder how many of us sleepwalk through life on a daily basis? I think I personally have slept or been sleepwalking through more of my life than I care to admit. Be it due to prescription medication, chronic illnesses, addictions of one form or another or just out of sheer boredom with our lives.

What if we all decided to wake up? What if we no longer navigated our way through life on auto-pilot? What if we actually took in all our surroundings, actually noticed the homeless man walking on the street, the rainbow emerging after the downpour, the breeze on our face, and so on? Wouldn't our lives be so much fuller? I think we are missing out on a lot. By playing it safe and obediently bowing to the alarm clock and the time card and the expectations of society we are turning a deaf ear to the alarm clock of our soul and of our heart's desires. Am I suggesting quitting your only source of income to devout your entire life to paper mache? No, not necessarily. I just mean, don't ignore that desire completely, being so busy sleepwalking your way through the normal expectations of life. Take time to open your eyes, see and experience what is around you and to react to it with more than just a customary nod.

Dear Readers, today I wish you blessings that you may open yourself to discovering, I wish you less time sleepwalking and more time heart-n-soul-fulfilling. Be blessed.

Senegals, Symbolism & Moot Points

2007-08-31T03:15:00.000-07:00

Sunny, my Senegal parrot, was wanting out of his cage the other day & even tricked me into thinking his foot was stuck in his toy. It was all a clever act to get me to hurry over. Senegal's are very smart and playful and also moody. After love biting on my ear a tad firmly and kissing my lip he moved about on my arm and shoulders. I guided him away from the keyboard since he's decided it is more fun to pull the keys out than to just sit or hop about on it. Being back on my shoulder he then pooped all over me and flew off. Normally he does me the courtesy of reversing that process, but no, not this time.

Sadly, I came to the accurate realization, at least from my point of view, that what just happened was just like my teen-agers' behavior lately 'give me sh*t then take off'. At least I'm able to laugh about it. Sadly, a small parrot is easier to capture and cage than a Wiley teenage boy or girl. So be it.

After my physical therapy appointment Monday, my first for bursitis in my hip, I decided to treat myself (and others at home) with Thai food for lunch. After all, the restaurant is nearby and it was past lunch time. I placed a to-go order and went a couple doors down to a Christian book and gift store. I picked up a few more quaint inspirationals to sprinkle across my kitchen table, had a lovely conversation with the lady at the counter, picked up my lunch order and came home to my family. There were inspirations about being kind, love thy enemy and forgiveness etc. at the store. It spoke to me about going ahead and being kind and forgiving to my teenage son who had wronged me. I will stick firm to the consequences I've put in place for his actions but I will not be vindictive. I also made another attempt to reach out to my teen daughter. Why doesn't God send teenage how-to manuals floating down from Heaven for us parents? I guess it wouldn't be as fun of a show for Him if He did. I keep expecting to see "eternally fresh" popcorn and a lifetime's channel movie ticket stub fall accidentally from the sky.

If I have to ask for an apology it obviously isn't going to be a genuine one, so it's a moot point. "Moot-point" my mind wanders to single pronged antlers on an elk, suddenly sprouting into a full rack. Yes, life is full of moot-points, I guess i need to take better care to recognize them. I wonder what a photograph would look like of an elk sporting "moot-points-antlers" if we could visibly see all the things past in our life that we made a big issue of which in reality were trivial minutia? It would be quite an eye-opener. Now, if we use that eye-opening vision to look forward, now there's the trick of it all.

Be Blessed Dear Readers, be wide-eyed with a spotter's guide and binoculars, watch out for teenage chaos, moot points and elk themselves. Remember focus forward only occasionally glancing back. Be well.

Shark Bites

2007-08-28T16:38:00.000-07:00

Well, the other night my husband prepared shark. This was a 7 foot blue shark they accidentally caught while salmon fishing. My 2nd cousin (AKA: "niece") got a recipe from her dad and it was fabulous!! Cooked in a bit of lime juice with ginger and garlic among other things, it was grilled to perfection. We also had a bit of french bread with it and I don't even remember what all else.

I was surprised by the shark's tenderness. Then floods of memories came back to me. A Hell's Angel loaning me enough money to cover what I was short on a cafe tab while on a high school band trip. All tattooed and admittedly slightly scary looking, he was kind and had a gentle heart. The other Hell's Angel who my cousin "accidentally dated" thinking he was a door to door vacuum salesman until she discovered he had a murder wrap. I scared him off from her doorstep and may have put the fear of God into him if it weren't for the fact that several years later he committed an armed robbery resulting in another murder, but I had scared him. At the time I was maybe all of one hundred pounds and 5 foot 4. He even called me "ma mm" "Yes, ma mm, I don't want no trouble ma mm, I'm sorry ma mm." The tough looking biker, whose name I forget, that you had to get past to get in the back door of a sleazy bar that had a great band playing (I was underage at the time). He looked scary but was cool and friendly. My friend in community college who looked like a member of ZZ Top & wore leathers all the time. He was rebuilding his motorcycle in his upstairs dorm room with the hopes of riding out the front door the last day of school - he missed the dead line. He ended up cutting his hair and being recruited to work for NASA! Nature is like that, when we have a weakness or a perceived one, we try harder to mask it with a fierce persona or exterior. Fish which have markings to look like they are bigger and tougher than they really are. Leading us back to our shark. A fierce water creature, yet, so tender and moist when we are the ones biting it and not the other way around.

I've just been interrupted by my 7 yr old holding a Pringles can asking if they can bring their pets in. "Pets?" I quandaried. I was told they had captured ants. I thanked him thoroughly for asking first and explained that ants need much more than a Pringles can to survive and maybe someday we could get an ant farm but not right now. I'm just thankful he asked.

I can't help but wonder further about shark bites. They unintentionally bite the wrong things foraging for food sometimes. What or who have I unintentionally bitten while foraging for God only knows what. Sometimes we all go into protection mode, the good old fight or flight response. I have fibromyalgia along with a laundry list of other ailments. I'm told that fibro sufferers have their fight or flight response permanently turned on, depleting levels of serotonin (yea I have a medical reason for my dark chocolate cravings! YES! SCORE!) blah, blah, blah. Anyway, besides the physical problems this produces, it makes me forgetful (see previous post regarding cantaloupe gut brains) I wonder if it causes me to behave differently in my interactions with others. To anyone I've accidentally "bitten" my apologies. Having recently been bitten myself, I found it to be divine intervention that I was lead to the Christian book and gift store and found little verses on forgiveness and kindness everywhere I turned. I've forgiven without being asked in the verbal sense and I feel all the better for it.

Dear Readers my wishes for you today are: be blessed by whomever or whatever your higher power be. Enjoy delicious bites of whatever suits your appetite, be careful not to bite others and forgiving when they inadvertently bite you.

Shark

2007-08-26T14:40:00.000-07:00

My husband recently went on a fishing trip with his brothers and father. They were fortunate enough to catch their limit of salmon each day. Oddly enough they also hooked not 1 but 2 blue sharks. They caught and reeled in one of them, over 7 feet long! So far we've had one delicious meal of salmon accompanied by my father-in-law's home grown vegetables-squash and a little salad I made of his cucumbers, onion, tomatoes in rice-wine-vinegar. Mm yummy!

Instead of eating shark steak as of yet, I recently have been made to feel tied to a stake & fed to the sharks! By one of my own children none the less. Teen age years are such an exciting time of transformation. Sometimes however, those transformations come with difficulty. It can be an awkward time, wanting to be an adult, feeling fully capable of being one, yet being given chores and having to live within other's guidelines. I can understand and appreciate that. I can also understand and appreciate that God has a heck of a sense of humor. I don't have to look at a sloth or a duck-billed platypus to be reminded of this, I just picture him laughing as we parents suffer through the trials and tribulations that come with parenting or attempting to parent a teenager!

So while my teenager mourned not receiving the shark's head to "mount on the wall" or even his teeth, I mourn some teen rebellion I've had the "pleasure" of suffering through. A recipe for Shark-how about a definition of Shark? I think you see my point, hopefully. I'll attempt to sew up my wounds from the bite and swim forward, upstream and all. Why? Because, what other choice do I have? If I suffer the sharks, I may get to see other, less violent days filled with friendlier people. Wish me luck & a good tour guide.

Be blessed Dear Readers, suffer the sharks knowing their days are numbered, try to appreciate the beauty within, lying beyond their teeth, as I will.

Curtains, Blinds and Cantalope Guts for Brains

2007-08-24T10:47:00.000-07:00

We've been remodeling for about 5 years now if you count the house we were in before this one. I have learned a lot but continue to marvel at all it teaches me of philosophy.

There is a terrible glare on the television from the wonderful natural light coming in from our beautiful new windows. We need to finish making the wall (drywall, texture and paint) before we can put up curtains or blinds. First things first, priorities and all that whatnot. A dearly beloved friend in Michigan refers to her brains as lace curtains at times, needing shaken to get the cobwebs out. It paints a much prettier picture than my view of my brains as cantaloupe guts. Lace curtains filter just enough that you can still see in or out and still have a tad bit of privacy too. I like that about lace curtains. Blinds can be made to do the same thing with a twist of a wand style handle, however, they seem more obtrusive to me than lace curtains. Blinds provide more of a presence-of a here I am & I can give you an all or nothing view type attitude about them.

In life, sometimes we see things through blinds, or lace curtains and sometimes we see them head on in the blinding light or overwhelming darkness. Which am I? My cantaloupe-guts-brain can't figure out which is best though I lean toward the lace curtains. Just a bit of security but not enough to stand in your way. Which are you? Which will you choose? Is it better to be a filter of things in your mind set and how you choose to perceive things or better to be cement-for-brains? I can be a bit of both, I'm mostly a "shades of gray" person, not a black and white person, however there are some issues in which that attribute of mine vacillates.

And in the background I hear the Gund singing bear, chanting the "Don't worry be happy" song. Maybe the parrot will learn it too. It now keeps repeating in the back of my head too. It reminds me of when my now 17 yr old son was a toddler. The babysitter was a wonderful woman and had an exceptionally cute little girl. She would sing, "Don't worry, be happy, toys are in the toy box" over and over and play ring around the rosies to the tune. Her mom asked her if she knew who I was, she said, "Zacky's mom, Mrs. Holy Cow!" I said, "Good grief" and "Holy Cow" apparently more than I realized at the time. This darling little girl back then made me wish, if only life were as simple as having no worries because there were toys in the toy box. Now, roughly 16 years later, I'm reminded of that philosophy again. This time through a plush, singing bear. I'm glad I don't have curtains or blinds to filter anything out right now. I like the view, even when there is a glare and reflection or two. Sometimes, that can be the best part.

Be blessed Dear Readers!

Stop Random Randomness-Or Not. Join The Cause Now!

2007-08-24T07:42:00.000-07:00

There is a new war for me to wage, it is the war of randomness! We must all do our part to stop randomness now! We should be pensive and thoughtful of every step we take on this dear planet and the repercussions of those steps, and of not taking those steps as well! If we live our lives with introspection and forethought rather than retrospection and hindsight, are we not going to create a more obvious path which actually leads somewhere? I'm talkin' "here's the sidewalk, here's the garden not to be stepped in" type stuff. Rather than wandering aimlessly. If we wander aimlessly we are likely not to get anywhere. I believe it was Ralph Waldo Emerson who wrote of "the path less traveled" there is a cross-roads and a decision to be made, often more than once in one's life, as to where to go, what to do. The problem is that everyone now seems to be operating with all terrain vehicles or SUV's & no GPS systems at all.

Then the flip side of the coin: what might we miss if we only read the road map? If I turn left at exit #5 then turn onto the overpass and hook a right where the heck am I? Am I at a diner where I can feast & feel replenished and satisfied and go merrily back on my way, get back on the super-highway? Or am I at a dinky, dingy, self-serve gas station which is closed, out of windshield wiper fluid, unable to scrape the incidentals of my journey off my windshield?

There is a lot of fun and surprisingly reflective scenery to be found by merely wandering through life. I believe it is about the journey and not the destination. However, that being said, I still don't want to end up stuck in traffic with all the other schmucks like me who failed to plan ahead- staring at a "road closed for repair" sign "please take the appropriate detour" and not have enough "gas money" or "fuel" to get there. There - where? I have no clue. How's that for randomness? I suppose "there" can be where your soul is meant to be, it can be where your heart truly lies. Some people get there quicker than others. I'd like to think I've caught glimpses of it here and there, maybe picked a roadside flower to treasure in a scrapbook later down the line.

But I suppose now, I'm noticing the gas gauge, I'm noticing the eternal clock's ticking, I'm noticing that I'm closer to the down-side of the gauge than the fully loaded and charged side. Somebody get the jumper cables quick because I'm not ready to be done. I mean, it isn't like I'm dying, other than in the sense that we all are at some point, but I'm just aware of the gauges now which I overlooked before.

I suppose if we stopped randomness, this work of words would not exist, maybe I'm promoting my own demise? Hm. The flip side of the coin, there are always two sides to each story. I mean, after all, I'm sure somebody obviously found some sort of charming or endearing quality in Charles Manson too, but..... Do you see where I'm going with this? If not, wipe off your windshield, fuel up, I've got a road tour to take you on. If you do understand, then we are both on the same journey and traveling either steadily or precariously, yet traveling forward all the same. I'll meet you at the next rest-stop. Mind the detour signs!

Be well Dear Readers and be blessed!

A Stone Butterfly

2007-08-23T06:41:00.000-07:00

As I lay in bed at 4:30AM wide awake pondering whatever my mind wandered about to, I began to realize even more strongly than before, I need to do more to nurture my soul. I think the same may be able to be said about all of us. This is so utterly important and vital to all of us for the sake of our own health and as a way to reflect and leave an impact on our environment. So, be it learning to sew, going skydiving (this time not tandem, all by myself) or taking a pottery class or whatever, it needs to be done. The mind has the power to heal our body and so much of its true potential is yet unrealized, I say, "tap into it a bit!"

I have recently had these characters in mind for a children's story and they are mostly bugs or small amphibians or animals or plants. One of the characters is a butterfly. I was thinking of how maybe creating these characters out of clay or such might help inspire me when I get a writing block. Then suddenly the thought of a "stone butterfly" hit home and hard. I'm still not sure why or what it all means, maybe you, Dear Readers can help me figure it out? It seemed to speak to me about metamorphosis and about being trapped - cocoon wise or due to being made of clay. Of being to heavy to fly, due to one's own burdens perhaps, or fear incapacitating the ability to take that all important first leap. Feeling light and lilting on the inside yet trudging about in real life. Of being a caterpillar, desperately wanting to metamorphosis into something more spectacular.

Maybe there is something spectacular in just being a caterpillar though. Maybe being somewhat rooted in "stone" gives us a bit of that necessary grounding we all need. The ant (closest to the ground of all) with "high hopes" comes to mind.

Although it was pain that awakened me, it is beauty and potential and all these various perspectives which kept me awake, and thankful. Thankful for creativity, for beautiful surroundings, for nurturing, for children to hopefully pass some of these idealism's on to, thankful for too much to mention. Ultimately thankful for the pain awakening me in the first place. If I was not some what trapped in a body of stone, perhaps I wouldn't take the time to ponder stone butterflies, or anything else.

Be well Dear Readers, be grounded yet soar on your wings of creativity, be blessed in all things and thank you for reading. I'd love to hear any of your feedback too!

I Know I'm Going To Be Hated And It Isn't Even 10AM

2007-08-22T09:50:00.000-07:00

So, in yesterday's post I blamed the bird for the beeping fridge. During the night, when the bird is sleeping, more beeping, this morning, more beeping! So I watched each-hard to see a bird's lips move! Then I moved closer to the fridge, I rechecked everything, the noise is definitely coming from the fridge. Everything is shut, nothing is flashing, but the dang beeping. I turned off all the alarms but I know this is a band aid solution, I need to call the repair man.

The poor repair department must hate to answer the phone and think we are all psychotic and do nothing but break warrantied appliances for someone to visit with. It isn't true I swear, but.. a lot of stuff has been breaking lately! Our dishwasher hates us. It either takes vacations, leaves us completely to be reincarnated with a newly ordered part or leaks or all of the above. Now, the new fridge. Did I mention the old freezer is kaput too? I hate to have to remind them once again of the rebate I was to receive of ($200-$300) and never got. Bless their hearts anyways. Heck, bless mine while we're at it!

Then the poor little boys of mine, they've been lectured since yesterday and more sternly this morning - pre-discovery, about closing the doors of the fridge all the way, etc. Ugh. I have a lot to atone for it sounds like. "Sounds" being the operative word of choice!

I'd have a second cup of coffee to relax to before making the dreaded call to the service department but I would need to make a new pot and who knows what kind of stuff could go wrong with that process given the current realm of things in the "possessed kitchen". Did you know my phone will not work in the kitchen? Odd / related / is there a haunting of an over worked repair man there or what???? Oh, and yes, you caught me, again. I am so neurotic about recycling and not wasting stuff that I even will often drink a cup of left-over, day-old coffee. Then the creamer lid gets tossed and the creamer bottle recycled when that's gone. At least I'm not to the point of my ex-grand-mother-in-law, she re-used paper napkins until each square was dirtied, then it could be tossed. You'd think I lived through the depression with her huh? If I get that bad, somebody hunt me down and shoot me OK? No offence to the dearly departed ex-Grams.

I will attempt to be optimistic, make coffee without fear, call regarding my kitchen appliances from a safe distance from my kitchen and then, who knows what the day will hold after 10AM? Oh my gosh, it is now 10:04AM - save me and wish me luck!!!! If you don't hear from me for a while, the appliances won, sadly. The good news is the repairman is very kind and no "plumber butt-itis" is suffered through by anyone. Praise God for that! Bye Dear Readers, Be Well, Be Blessed, Be Liked, Be appliance-problem-free. By the way, I'm now promoting earplugs if anyone else has a parrot and a "robot" fridge gone crazy!

Alarming Alerts Without My Energy Pack!

2007-08-21T19:21:00.000-07:00

When I picked out stainless steel appliances to complete the look of our newly remodeled kitchen, there was some thing which I did not realize and therefor lacked my consideration. The thing is that my 7 year old son quickly dubbed our fridge the "robot" fridge. I did not realize the darn thing actually has a door alarm which will beep periodically if a door is ajar or left completely open too long for grazing! This seemed a handy novelty given that our 3 year old needs to seek out-patient rehab for cheese-addiction and frequents the fridge at all times day and night. I say "seemed" - past tense, because today, a new problem presented itself. Today, I had yet another horrific headache and noise was especially grating on my nerves. I also had horrible back pain and laid propped at a specific angle on the couch with more pillows than Martha Stewart could fluff in a life time! Today, Loka, the African Gray, also discovered how to imitate the fridge alarm! I made approximately 5 trips to the fridge, re-closing all 3 doors repeatedly. Then suddenly, as though needing to sport my sunglasses, it dawned on me, at 7pm! It wasn't the fridge, it was our "charming" feathered family member, making me attend to beeping things in vain, things that were not beeping at all. Gr. At least I know the robot isn't being overly talkative.

That leads me to another of today's events-my 7 year old son was verbally arguing with a talking toy. I have a childhood Christmas memory of being excited about a "Betsy-wetsy" doll, then there was the "Krissy" doll that grew a ponytail when we pushed a button on her back. Now there are remotes for robotic dinosaurs, talking, walking, growling toys, light up toys and video games that would make the inventors of PacMan fall faint. My 3 year old knows how to replace batteries in game controllers and other toys and how to put them into the battery charger!!! Can't I be fitted with a battery pack? Then there is me, the one who couldn't tell the difference between the fridge and the bird!

If dirty kids leave a dirt ring in the bathtub, why can't bubble-bath doused kids return the tub to a clean state? Just curious. Curious and lazy, you caught me, I can't lie.

Well Dear Readers, I wish you an un-alarming evening and a well-energized day. Be Blessed!

Things Aging & Remodeling Are Teaching Me

2007-08-19T07:32:00.000-07:00

First off I will give you a bit of background info. I have a laundry list of ailments but one of the main whoppers is worry / anxiety about at an obsessive-compulsive level, despite medication, prayer, etc. I could go into background history to reveal why I have some of these charming little quirks but I'll save you the sob story for now. Last night my body could "feel" rain coming on. I went outside & did my best to cover building supplies with tarps as needed...
#1. it is not nearly as enjoyable to awaken to a summer rain storm when one has several bags of un-mixed cement / bags of powdered money sitting in one's front yard. It is also not enjoyable readily identifying with cement thickening and hardening be the way one's own body feels.
#2. It is very difficult to get sick furry babies to go outside in the rain to puke / poop especially when one is lacking gutters being reinstalled & the roof angle is not helpful near one's front door. This task involves lots of coercing and foot power.
#3. It is a sad day when foo-foo coffee does not seem to melt the hardening cement within one's own body.
#4. The good news is rain is a great way to pressure wash dead midge carcasses off of one's abode & porch!
#5. Growing older is making the parrots' 6:00AM ritual of gabbing, whooping & hollering less & less appreciated. I've got to give them props for their entertaining mix ups in phrases though. Examples are "Gra'ma-hot" "Mom (in whiny teenage boy voice) followed by whistling for a dog. "Knocking noises followed by -come-in!" trust me, this list could go on forever.
#6. Being 41 years old & having those motorized scooters, life-alert necklaces, chair-lifts, bathtub handles & other such silver-haired products look good enough to pay thorough attention to.
For now I'll stop before I end up in a deep depression & try to enjoy the sound of the raindrops & ignore my aches & pains from the barometric pressure changes and hope that the coffee & medicine eventually melt away the annoyances described above.

Dear Readers, Be Blessed, be cement-free & find a way to enjoy summer rainstorms like we all did in our youth running through them spinning with our heads up & mouths open catching a drink here & there.

Life May Be Trying To Tell Me Something

2007-08-18T10:27:00.000-07:00

Our furry babies have been sick & often the aftermath is left to be dealt with in the house. To put it bluntly, life has been a bit crappy lately. Hm, I better try to atone for whatever the heck I did, it's been puppy-pukey too.

I have a photo of my 6 yr old son with about 1/3 of his foot in his mouth!!! He sucks on his toes from time to time, which I find very odd, however, his sister did it also as a child. I guess sticking our foot in our mouth runs in the family. I am apparently doing it more often than not lately even when usually completely unaware of the fact. Good thing I'm double jointed everywhere huh? Getting that foot back out can be treacherous work! Hoof in mouth disease? hm, more to ponder & worry about.

My husband is spending approximately $400.00 on a salmon fishing trip he goes on annually with his father & brothers. I guess that frozen fish filet's just don't cut it for his appetite. Just joking, honestly I'm so glad he has a father & brothers to do this sort of male-bonding stuff with. Plus it clears the air here at home of a little over-abundance of testosterone at least for a few days. Ah, breathe deep & enjoy the lack of machismo! ha ha. Although I did utter just yesterday to my niece & her fiance, "What estrogen-caked-crap are you watching on TV anyway? My God!" I'm not exactly a "chick-flick" type of gal. My idea of a chick flick is a good action movie with some hunky lead guy actors! The niece & her fiance ended up retreating to their room with hard rock n roll blasting, guess I managed to get the foot up in the mouth again huh? Whoops, my bad.

I now have a beautiful front porch & steps thanks to the hard work of my husband & my son helping cement in some support posts. We live near a very large lake in an area of the Pacific North West which has been noted for nesting bald eagles and many varieties of water fowl and migratory birds as well. This is due to the lake having algae. The food chain also, therefore consists of bugs! There is a specific bug in our area called a "midge" which is like a gnat sort of. A teeny-tiny green thing attracted to light that only lives about 24 hours then dies. This brings me back to the front porch. My light-free porch (porch lights not yet installed) now is a burial ground for midge-carcases! They cake the walls & windows of the house as well. It must be because we painted in a light color of yellow with white trim. I'm getting set to repaint the house black just because of the stinkin' bugs! Gr. I guess if I'm going to enjoy the birds & a doe in my back yard I must be willing to sweep away dead bug bodies off my front steps. Darn it anyway.

I had to answer the bird the other day. She (the African Gray) kept ringing like a phone. I finally said, "Hello Loka, no body's home!" She also kept calling my 7 yr old son's name repeatedly & I had to tell her to leave him alone. It is pretty funny when she gets going which entices the Senegal to start whistling & singing as well. My tiny little Senegal, Sunny puffs himself up & tries to look big 'n' bad if anyone but me gets near him. He yelled at my husband for leaning too close to me on the couch the other night too, that was pretty funny. Our 2nd tiniest pet (fish take first place) kind of rules the roost. I recently discovered he enjoys eating rice as well as all the fruit & nuts & seeds he gets. He flew toward my niece the other day when we were working on a jigsaw puzzle together & landed on her. I had to "save her from possible unwanted nipple piercing" & put him away. Plus, he wasn't very helpful in putting the puzzle together, dismantling a corner of it. My niece now threatens to take him to Kentucky Fried Chicken. A good friend & cook in another country was giving me a recipe for "plov" and mistakenly typed a "p" instead of "c" for "carrot" & I about flipped out. He had to reassure me there was no parrot in the recipe and apologized for giving me a heart attack! I emailed him back a couple days later that I had successfully made "parrot-free plov" & that everyone enjoyed it!

I will leave you today wishing you, Dear Readers, foot-free mouths, happy hearts & non-bird-pierced-nipples. Be well & be blessed. Thank you for reading.

Back In The Day

2007-08-10T09:45:00.000-07:00

When I was young, in the town where I grew up, as I walked down the street holding my father's hand, he and passers-by would greet each other by name. Each knew where the other lived and usually what type of dog they had on their front porch, or if there was an ailing family member to ask about. I was known as "Hank's grand-daughter" or "Dean's girl" and so on. When we would go to the local coffee shop there were coffee mugs hanging on the wall behind the counter with the locals' names on them. If one hadn't been used for a bit, people wondered if the person was alright and had anyone heard. I know it sounds like I'm talking about "Laura Ingles" days or before electricity or something but I am not. It wasn't that horribly long ago. The man that ran and owned the coffee shop usually kept 1 hand is his apron. He usually had candy in the pocket as well, which he'd ask parents' permission to give to us youngsters. He kept the one hand hidden because he helped out with the local fireworks' display each year, which our home town was famous for, and one year something went wrong and he lost his fingers. He didn't want to scare or startle anyone. As I grew up in this smaller than small town I longed for anonymity, a way to escape and assume whatever identity I wanted, or just to escape period. I always said it was a wonderful place for older people and for small children but not for teens or young adults.

I am no longer a "young adult" and as in most cases in our lives, I now further appreciate what I no longer have. That sense of community, of looking out for each other. Back in the day, people would help without overstepping lines in the sand. Maybe there should have been lines crossed when there were not, but all in all, people looked out for one another while still respecting each other. If something came across wrong, feelings may have been hurt but it was generally understood that there were good intentions behind it. Sure there were town gossips and such but like I say, "in general...."

As technology and industry has changed, our culture has become much more transitory than stationary. Families are scattered all over the place. Elders are left to fend for themselves or be in a "home" which usually is not that of a relative, but a facility of sorts. Children can get into all sorts of mischief without onlookers knowing who their parents are, let alone having enough gumption to call the parent and let them know. While "back in the day" that would have been expected and appreciated, now it is considered meddling. Keeping a watchful eye out for people on your street can now be considered being a nosey, gossipy person, instead of somebody who cares.

Back in the day if someone was employed to do a job they were expected to do that job, no excuses. Now it is lucky to receive poor quality service rather than none at all-especially by so called "federal / government employees". By the way if you write me a letter and I don't get it or do not respond, this is your hint as to why. I'm told "it's a hard job..." etc. Well then find somebody willing to do it!!!! Oh, and stop raising the postal rates while you are at it! After my most recent encounter with trying to receive better service and let the lacking quality be known I am now in the mindset that I hope in the future the postal system is something we no longer need at all. A dinosaur that will become extinct, as it wallows in it's tar pits of bureaucracy! It sounds like sacrilege I know, I am someone who treasures the written word, and yet, this is what it has come to. But, as usual, I'm straying from my point on a tangent. Forgive me please?

I saw a doctor the other day, as sick as this sounds (whoops un-intended pun again, haha) hoping he would find something wrong. Why? Because I want something wrong with me that can be fixable. Sadly, my ailments are not fixable, only able to minimize pain. I was told to avoid stairs. I live in a two story home, there are stairs to the landing then more stairs to go down to the lower level or up to the main level where the kitchen is. The laundry is on the first floor by the way. I guess I need to buy a puffy skirt and an umbrella and learn to fly like Mary-flippin'-Poppins because otherwise I'm trapped. Back in the day....what would they have done? Shot me like a horse to put me out of my misery? Not a bad idea, I'm sure the post office would be thrilled along with a few others. Or would I get some much needed help from people who care and understand. Help that is given without being asked, without stinging one's pride, Help that is given out of love, not so one can gossip about how pitiful or lacking one is or their family is. Yeah, back in the day.....

Random Ramblings & Whatnot

2007-08-07T10:11:00.000-07:00

So, driving over the mountain pass to the neighboring town (1 1/2 hrs away in good weather) I finally decided to voice some of my observations to y'all. We passed a beautifully flowing, blue stream called "Dry Creek" ( no it isn't!) . Why is there a golf course called "Stone Ridge" on a flat plain with no rocks in sight? Why is there a diamond shaped road sign saying "Elk"? I expect to see older gentlemen in hats holding a meeting there but there is no lodge, nor are there any of the said majestic animals loitering about. What exactly is a "Safety Corridor next 17 miles" ? The road looks the same marking wise, I think it is just to get to the point of the matter, which is stated on another sign, "fines double". Hooray, a new way to get more money out of our pockets, come up with some bizarre road sign & double fines in that area. grrr. "Lake Stream" is it a lake or a stream ? I'm confused. As my husband pointed out "Lost Lake" which also exists more centrally in our lovely state, should have been called "Found Lake" that would make more sense wouldn't it? Just throwing out some logic here.Oh and let's not forget "Salt Creek" which I am betting doesn't have a drop of salt in it at all.

Speaking of logic or lack there of, our road department annually complains "oh there isn't enough money in the budget for this or that" Well, just a thought mind you, but if they were to repair things correctly the first time rather than have to re-fix them every year, maybe the money would go farther. They just made a lot of cement islands with various turn lanes cutting through them on a busy thoroughfare. Did they forget about snow removal in winter? Are they now going to hand shovel these areas out rather than snow plow? Or did they just plain forget to think ahead a few months about the weather here?!!!

If one is Christian and thinks of the part of the bible where God created the heavens and the Earth and on the 7th day he rested (Sunday right? ) why do calendars and kindergarten songs show and teach the days of the week as starting with Sunday and ending with Saturday? I don't wish to start any religious debates and yes i know all about separation of church from state, don't even get me started on that, I'm just saying....it's all a bit contradictory.

Well for now Dear Readers I will leave you to muddle over my quandaries while I go on to attempt to fit more square pegs in round holes in this thing called "Life". Be Blessed & mind-muck-free. Thank you for reading.

Fences, Boundaries & Thorns

2007-07-30T16:40:00.000-07:00

This is our house in the "almost done" stage of having new siding put on with fresh paint & trim. Obviously the front porch has not yet been re-built, nor the steps. Part of me likes the advantages of this situation! No door to door sales people, nobody trying to convert my religion, not much of any interference whatsoever. This is a very easily identifiable boundary to what would otherwise be an access point. If only we were so easily able to identify personal boundaries. Inappropriate questions, those awkward silent moments when I feel compelled to answer a question I'm not comfortable with rather than honestly state my feelings, "I'm not comfortable discussing that." If only! If only I did not feel the need to apologize for not catering to every whim I hear uttered by mere acquaintance or passerby. There is an old saying which unfortunately I cannot remember whom to credit for, it says "good fences make for good neighbors." I never understood that as a child or to be honest, until now! To me it seemed an oxymoron. If there were a fence, that would be an obstacle to the neighbor's access & thus that relationship. Ah, but therein lies the point! Sometimes, we are too open, we share too much. Sometimes we need good fences, good boundaries. Children need limits but adults do too.

Roses come to mind for some reason. They are so beautiful, smell wonderful, they are strong but look delicate. Then there's the thorns! Why did God give roses thorns? Because they need protection. So, like the rose, rather than enlist ladybugs to clean up my aphid infestation, I need to grow thorns. They need not prick anyone, but their visibility would be a cue, a notice, a boundary stating: "I have limits". I am not a doormat, I am a door with a dead bolt, you may enter if I choose to let you, or you may not. Why am I just learning this at 41 years of age? Hm, better late than never I suppose.

Not that I wish the pain of 2, count them 2, sliced open fingers on my husband but, the outcome was good. He decided it was not his day to build a front porch & steps. I feel almost like I live in a castle with a moat now! Although the drawbacks are that the UPS man can't figure out how to get our attention & if the dogs are snoozing and he has too good of manners to honk, I get a note rather than the package. I'm willing to deal with that though.

So remodeling & hoping for a flower garden is teaching me about boundaries & my need for them in my personal life as well as aesthetically. Something good comes of everything, this remodel project seems to be remodeling me as much as I am remodeling the home. Upgrades for all of us, much needed ones at that. Yes, the foundation of the new porch & steps will be much more secure, with a hand rail too. Safe, secure, a bit more bold than the previous one. This applies both literally & figuratively. Wish me luck in building my boundaries, growing a few thorns, as easily as the ones will physically crop up about me & our home. I took a class on boundaries through my church, however, having been such an open book, a map for all terrain vehicles to do donuts & whatnot wherever they please, when I tried to apply what I learned & establish a boundary I was accused of being bitchy. That deeply troubled me at the time. Now it makes me laugh at my weakness. Some parts of growing older & wiser are very welcome, 41 has it's upside I guess is what I'm saying!!

So, I openly embrace this realization of freedom to establish boundaries, limitations, without compromise, without lengthy explanation nor apology. This is uncharted territory for me & frankly I welcome a sailing expedition in new waters! Somebody throw me a life preserver because I know my heart is going to question each logically necessary step, but I will clutch firmly to my buoy & dog-paddle upstream if I must. This needs to happen. Maybe not just for me, but maybe some of you Dear Readers need a fence or two of your own. Be blessed Dear Readers & good luck with setting limits, be they a picket fence protecting your garden, or a barbed wire barricade, set them in your heart as well. Hearts are like flowers, delicate, beautiful things that need protection. Grow your thorns in peace & hopefully once visible, they will not need to be put to use. Be Blessed.

Stone Soup Parenting Recipe

2007-07-27T08:32:00.000-07:00

A wonderful friend I met online & hope to meet in real life someday said the following about parenthood: I don't know but if there was a recipe for the making of a good parent I think it would include nerves of steel, a watchful and caring eye, a heart that can not hear the hurtful words that get thrown about, a calm and loving demeanor and a quiet smile to get us through. I asked her permission to print this & she agreed saying to feel free to add my own "spices". This thing called parenting is a recipe indeed, Lisa L. in Long Island, NY you hit the nail on the head there. Sometimes I feel I'm stirring a recipe for disaster, I keep trying to add sugar instead of Cayenne pepper but dang it anyway, at times we end up with stew. Or perhaps, Stone Soup would be more accurate since we each add what we have to the mix then tread either ever so lightly or at times more vigorously to keep afloat within it all. There goes an onion for me to lasso as a life preserver! With all the layers, perhaps I will survive, cherishing each layer as it disintegrates to the next.

I've been trying everything lately to cope with stress. I've cut off my hair, I'm piercing my nose, getting tattoos, exercising, eating dark chocolate, meditating and so on. However, I would have to say, friendship is by far the most wonderful coping mechanism I've encountered thus far. That, and prayer. It truly does take a whole village to raise a child!! Especially when I have a half a dozen or so children whom can raze a village!!

Once again I hail the invention of the Internet & cyber cafes for allowing me access to friends I would have otherwise never "met". These friends, whether they realize it or not, and hopefully they do, are an integral part to my survival.

How the heck did I get this age anyway?! The plan had been to play hard, live fast, die young & leave a good looking corpse. Now that pipe dream is long down the tubes. I have no regrets and I do not mourn it's demise at all, forgive the cheesy pun please. I am thankful for my current sado-masochistically painful-bliss. The bodily scars, wear and tear of motherhood and age I could do without but the family, as crazy as they make me and I them, I do not regret for a moment. While my timing of children could have been better, I have a 21 yr old and a 3 yr old currently with 4 other children in between, it is a chaotic melody that I march in an off-beat rhythm to with or without prescription medication. I still feel like a late 20-early 30-something year old myself, yet I am trapped in a body of an old woman. Funny, I don't even have the energy for bingo. Okay, not funny. I am so confused and unable to keep track of every one's schedules, I feel like I have Alzheimer's. Yes, I'm in my own little world but usually fairly peaceful there. Let's see, husband has a half day of work today then other obligations; 17 yr old will come home from Navy enlistment testing sometime today; 16 yr old remains with her father and Nana for now; 7 yr old is eating yogurt; 6 yr old is awaiting the computer; 3 yr old is watching cartoons; niece and her fiance are asleep after swing shift work last night. How'd I do? Who knows right? I'll grade myself-this time I got it right without the aid of sticky notes even. However, tomorrow is coming & then it's another crap-shoot so to speak.

The work on the exterior of the house is finished, all but the decks and steps. I liken it to us humans, much work left to be done on the interior and structural boundaries needed for accessibility. Maybe we should keep it like it is? hm, more food for thought in this recipe of parenthood and life. For now Dear Readers, Be Blessed and enjoy your season as well as seasoning!

Scary - Midlife Crisis?

2007-07-25T06:45:00.000-07:00

I love my children more than life itself but lately I am discovering a few things. Trying to let teenagers feel my love and still set boundaries and be sane mix like oil and water, hurting more than childbirth itself. I am also being reminded daily how differently men are wired than us women. I say one thing seeing it as being supportive and it is viewed entirely differently, seen as a chore for him. But enough -believe me it has all been more than enough although I know it is far from over.

Eating chocolate chip cooke dough at 3AM is cathartic but what to do when one runs out of cookie dough? I'm beginning to look like a bulging tube of pre-made cookie dough myself. Okay, I'll admit it, I threw in "beginning to" to make myself feel better, it's actually been that way a while now! So I have moved on from cooke dough to dark chocolate candy, soda and more. I have to wonder why I bothered to get out the fake sugar (which is supposedly calorie free) to put in my coffee when I had a brownie for breakfast?!! I must move forward and not hide behind the excuse of my on-line-ordered-swimsuit being on back order. I must go ahead and stuff myself into the old out of style, slightly tight one and make myself go to water aerobics and work out this stress. Xanax just isn't enough and darn it anyways, I can't be comatose 24/7. Bummer.

So instead, I've redone my nails, and have plans for tattoos. I chopped off all my hair in a new "Posh Spice" haircut, unfortunately the rest of my body remains Scary not Posh. Oh well, oh and I'd even take Scary Spice's body at this point, at least it's skinny and she just had a baby. UGH. All this and my three adorable boys, as crazy as they also make me, are only ten plus years away from sending me reeling in this teen vs. parent chaos all over again. My husband is so relaxed about it, so dimwitted about my female brain and heart, bless his heart by the way, he just rolls with it all and occasionally adds his own stuff for me to deal with. Thanks Hun, I needed an extra helping of cr*p on my plate right now, mm mm, tasty! Just for that I might get my nose re-pierced, just to tick him off. I need to go skydiving again, that's what I need.

My little boys take time out at the park from the playground to hunt for flower/weeds to bring to me. Their gesture warms my heart and reminds me why I wanted a lot of children in the first place. Suddenly troubles melt with the sweat beading up on my brow from the heat at the park. The mosquito bites seem less itchy as I see my boys' sweaty little bodies, faces beaming with pride and love, smiling at me. It is all worth it once again. Read this back to me when they are teens to once again remind me of the good times, okay? Hopefully by then I'll have grandchildren to spoil and play with.

If not, you may find me in a rubber room somewhere, doctors and I working frantically on finding just the right dosages of medication as I strum my bottom lip and continue to babble as incoherently as I do here. Mumbling to myself about children, "it seemed like such an innocent and good idea at the time". I'll be the one with the funky, short hair cut and the tattooed neck and pierced nose, with my nails hopefully done if not chewed off entirely.

For now I will try to remind myself that these bumps in the road which seem insurmountable are but tiny pebbles from God's eagle eye view and better for us to overcome than ending up in the ditch. Be well my Dear Readers and be blessed.

Seagulls, Mosquitoes, Charlie Brown God & More Surprises

2007-07-21T15:13:00.000-07:00

Today, I went to take the children out to lunch, something I haven't done in a long time. Well thank goodness I did because when we got in the car we found our furry babies waiting for us! What the h*ll? How did that happen? Luckily I had left the windows cracked & a cover over the windshield to block sunlight. I had thought earlier in the morning I had heard our little dog barking but I didn't see her anywhere so I assumed it was a neighbor's dog that I mistakenly identified as ours. When our little one didn't sleep with us I had assumed she slept with my niece instead. Boy was I wrong! We were certainly surprised to see them & they were relieved to see us & eagerly jumped out to go do their business & come in the house. I called my husband explaining in a confused state & he sheepishly answered that he had forgotten he put them in there the other night when doing something else. I really teased my husband terribly about this, our poor babies!!

The other surprise is that a friend, while laying on her bed staring at the ceiling, crying & soul searching over a recent emotional event suddenly noticed a pattern in the ceiling texture. It was that of a cross & Jesus' hands reaching out with two hearts below it. Shortly after this a person who had caused her unhappiness called & apologized & wanted to come over. It was a surprising way to see & hear God. He is everywhere when we have the time to look & listen. This is on top of the fact that I had a dream last night that the problem had resolved itself. Interesting isn't it?

I took the boys to the park again today where, NOT surprisingly, we were viciously attacked by mosquitoes again. They chased seagulls & made a new friend. The friend actually had a book of Charlie Brown & Snoopy - he was only 8, I didn't think 8 yr olds knew who Charlie Brown & Snoopy were. That was a nice surprising blast from the past!

Once home from the park I happened to notice our old washing machine's door was open. How odd I thought as I went to close it. More to my surprise was yucky old laundry sitting in it. Gross. So I thought I should check the old dryer & yes, there was more of our missing laundry. This explains what my 3 yr old has been doing when he has taken a bit longer coming upstairs than the rest of us: helping me do laundry - bless his heart!

The last surprise I will tell about that happened today is that I got to play a simple game of checkers on line with a friend who lives in a foreign country. The fact that I was able to is cool enough to me, plus it was fun as rules are different in different countries apparently & the board showed up in both our native languages. Technology is cool. Plus the fact that we had time to visit with each other for quite a while was very nicely surprising in itself.

Dear Readers, today I wish you friends found new & old; the ability to hear / see God wherever / however He may choose to get your attention & send you a message / whomever your God may be; & I wish you happy furry-baby visits in surprising ways as well. Be well & Be Blessed!

Selective Hearing

2007-07-20T07:06:00.000-07:00

It is easy to at first believe that children have the market cornered on selective hearing - or rather - NOT hearing. "Please take out the trash this evening" is invariably answered with "What Mom? You never told me that! I didn't hear you" as we mothers know all too well. "Honey, please remember to pay the water bill on your way home from work" however, can be equally met with a "Huh? When did you tell me that?" answer from a significant other. Husbands have often learned the fine art of delicately & deliberately inserting an interested (if your lucky) sounding "uh-huh" in the pauses of our rambling conversations. All the while they are surfing the net or the zillion-plus channels on the dish, not hearing a word. So, although we'd like to credit our glorious children with the prowess of mastering this skill, I hereby point out, we adults possess it as well.

Sadly, it is not only limited to the male-adult species. Apparently there is a gene or chromosome or nucleus or brain-wave or what-the-f*ck-ever present in us females also. If I'm violating some sort of code & dishonoring my female compatriots forgive me, but I have to be honest. "What, I thought we picked out the wedding ring with a diamond in the center, the big pretty one" or "Weren't we going out to dinner tonight?" OK, these examples sound materialistic so forgive me, I must be feeling neglected & it's transferring through to my writing!! But hopefully, the implication is obvious. How about this one, "what? when did you tell me we were having company for dinner? Can I serve a frozen lasagna?"
I reminded my teen son last night that the Navy wouldn't appreciate selective hearing as a character trait. I don't know if he heard me though.

Come to think of it, I believe this trait exists in animals too. Just a couple days ago I begged my big dog not to puke in the house, yet she did so twice. I've told the birds not to bite but the African Gray just laughs & taunts me with a "Ouch! Don't bite!" mimicking & continues to do so. She then has the nerve to call me in the irritated, whiny, deep voice of my teen son, "Mom!" followed by whistling as one would do for a dog. Charming huh?! Not. My attempts at teaching her to say, "Hi Honey, how was your day?" or "yes dear" are of no avail. Figures she has selective hearing, remember - or weren't you listening/reading?

Well, I suppose I will end my rant there for today. So, listen up!: Hear all the beautiful sounds around you & tune in to the not-so-lovely ones as well, they may be important. Be Blessed Dear Readers & thanks for reading!

Ecclectic Melody-Without Rhythm

2007-07-18T19:04:00.000-07:00

The other day, after swim lessons, I drove the 3 boys to the US Armed Forces Recruiting office. I told the boys we were there to sign them up for military school so they'd learn how to mind Mom better. They waited in the car for about 3 minutes, still somewhat drippy from the swim lesson we had just left (& yes, the windows were down) until I re-emerged. I got 3 posters to decorate their room with & a piece of paper the recruiter needed to get to my oldest son. I tried to pas it off to my 3 little guys as an enrollment form for military school / boot camp, but the little smarty pantses figured it out!

When my Senegal parrot takes a bath he emerges looking like a punk rocker with a spiky hairdo, it is so hysterical! It is rather funny when the African Gray gets to chattering & whistling, my Senegal then starts to chime in. The other day, Sunny (the Senegal) got so excited when I was slicing summer squash, I asked if he wanted some & it sounded like he said "yeah!" - if so, it would be his 1st word. He does his happy dance when I get him out & hold him too. My husband's fresh water fish tank with it's myriad of live plants & various fish provides relaxing inspection in a quiet, bird-yammering-free environment. His smaller salt water tank is just as interesting & fun to watch. I end up playing a game of "Where's Waldo" so to speak, looking for the various fish & the crab.

I just overheard my 7 yr old son shouting instructions to his 3 yr old brother in the bathroom, just prior to them plopping their grubby little naked bods in the tub: "No Ridge that's not how you do it! See, you hold it like this & lift the seat!" My complaints of sitting in piddle-dribble & military school threats have paid off!! Hooray! Oh, & they were grubby from good ol' fashion birthday party fun! A back yard pool & trampoline, good friends, cake & koolaid & a silly-string fight to boot! "Lord, please let my little guy be worn out enough to sleep past 6AM & allow me to do the same." There's just something frustrating about a bubbly, non-caffeinated face 1/4 of an inch away from my medication-induced -previously closed eyelids, chanting, "Mom, you get up now, it wake up time!" while jarring me & nearly squashing my boob with his knee-cap having climbed up on the 1 & 1/2 inches of bed between me & the floor. It's SO not fair- & mind you, I'm a morning person, & thank goodness for that! I say that because I thought I complied with the morning's wake up call in a rather timely fashion, however I still found my son already 1/2 way through an ice cream sandwich he'd foraged out of the freezer for breakfast! Ugh. Did I mention I was out of coffee this particular morning too? This chain of events & my husband rising earlier than normal led us to venture forth & brave the retail-circus that is Walmart bright & early thus beating the crowds. However, we made a pit-stop at the Circle K convenience store for $1.29 recess peanut butter flavor coffee with sugar & whip cream. All Hail cheap "foo-foo coffee" & it's being readily available! Now if I can market Children's Benedryl ( no, not the non-drowsy, good grief what would be the point?!) Popsicles for kiddy-desserts!

Our American culture seems to value quickly & efficiently getting things done. This is so true that many a "soccer mom" in her SUV has scheduled every nano-second of her child's life with various classes & activities. I must say, I highly value time to just watch & listen to the goings on inside my head & my children's world as well as out. I am thrilled my 7 yr old has time & interest to watch clouds & share with me when he sees an interesting formation.

Dear Readers, for today I shall wish you the following: friends, be they furry, finned or feathered, human - near or never met face to face, & plenty of time to enjoy them & the rest that life has to offer when not to hurried to find it. Be Blessed.

Bathroom Violations & Ninja-Deer Recon.

2007-07-12T09:32:00.000-07:00

My poor niece, bless her heart, fell in the shower recently. To add insult to injury she was subsequently violated by a bath toy. I refuse to go into further detail, knowing full well, you are capable of drawing your own mental picture if you must.

My 7 yr old son taught his 3 yr old brother to pee standing up. He failed to teach him to lift up the seat though & aiming skills need LOTS of work. Sitting in "piddle dribble" I also feel violated! Handy enough, it turns out, the Dollar Store carries sanitary wipes for just such disastrous situations. Hooray for the Dollar Store!

Our Furry-Babies (2 dogs) got groomed & all prettied up for the 1st time in about forever. They look considerably thinner without the extra hair. Too bad that same tactic doesn't work on me! We had an all points bulletin family emergency briefly yesterday when I noticed Stewie (our black lop bunny) had dug out of his exercise pin. Luckily he was munching weeds in the shade of the slide & Was easily captured. He's enjoying being relocated back to his old digs in the house.

Tonight I let Pixie & Loki (furry babies) out to do their business & startled a deer on the hilltop in our backyard. It leaped with such speed & agility that I was jealous of its graceful prowess as it disappeared over some rocks up the ridge. I'm toying with 2 theories on this. 1) It is a spy for Santa on a recon-intel. mission; or 2) it's a ninja deer on a training op. You can vote & decide!

The two recent lightening & thunder storms have been incredibly beautiful! The 1st one unfortunately caused 6 fires & power outages for about 4,900 people. The most recent one boasted such loud & close thunder that our house shook more than once. I just LOVE (!) summer rain storms though. my poor husband has been paged back to work frequently to give the computers T.L.C. & pampering for "Post-Traumatic-Storm-Disorder". Luckily, he finds many escapes to lessen his stress. He either messes with his fish tanks or amuses himself with DVDs- the most recent favorite picks of his are "Kids in the Hall" & "Danger Mouse", my lovable goofball!

Until next time Dear Readers, I wish you your own brand of goofball-escapism, delight in simple, natural beauty, like summer rain storms & piddle-dribble-free toilet seats! Be Blessed!

Enigmas

2007-07-09T19:45:00.000-07:00

On the www.excite.com home page, the dictionary word of the day today is "enigma". While I always am up for fun ways to boost my brain power & add vocabulary this handy feature has the fatal flaw of being very repetitious. I know for a fact there are many more words in the English language that could be used instead of recycling the same ones repeatedly. But, none the less, I have to give this site credit for giving me a title & theme for today's little tidbits.

The site's definition of an enigma is a puzzle or a mystery. This could easily be a definition for life in general don't you think? I do! Like, where does the matching sock go during the wash & dry process? It certainly doesn't make it's way back to be bundled up with it's mate. Or, why is it the spare freezer in the garage only fries & dies when it is newly stocked with ice cream sandwiches & other tasty treats & not when it is virtually forgotten & unused? Or, why does money come out of a checking / savings / coffee can so much quicker than it goes in? - it's the same density as far as matter & quantum physics go. I don't get it, it's an "enigma". Another enigma is how a little, sweet 3 yr old boy can stand & pee & getting said product virtually everywhere in the bathroom in addition to the toilet bowl while not dancing about wildly? It seems he is trying to be still & aim, & yet..... Thank goodness for the dollar store's sanitary wipes to rid us of that last enigma!!!!

Life, life is definitely an enigma & if we think we've figured it out, I believe we are only fooling ourselves into a passive submission of ignorant bliss. What is that saying, how does it go? The wise man knows he knows nothing. Something like that. Well all hail moi, I must be flippin Einstein because I aint got a clue, that's for dam* sure!! Now teenagers, there is one of life's greatest enigmas of all. How can we produce offspring whom we love & nurture just to have them virtually spat in our face for doing so? Do you know my 17 yr old son had the audacity to honk for me to come out to the car yesterday, rather than give me a courteous, "Mom, it's OK, I don't need the portable DVD player for my trip, you can stop looking we need to leave now" Yeah! That's charm for ya! Did you know if the garbage is overflowing by even 1 sandwich baggy it is solely my fault- how dare I? Don't I know he has a job now?! Suddenly certain species of wildlife who eat their young are now revered for their keen sensibility rather than looked down upon in disdain with the words "eeew, gross" on our lips. But rather now it is , "Hip Hip Hooray!" No, I'm not a cannibal. I'm just a tired mother of many. Instead of marvelling at nature's beauty or other such works, today, I marvel at "Enigmas" this includes Sudoku, gosh that puzzle drives me nuts!!!

Why does it cost to have a used fridge hauled off to be donated to a gospel mission? Why would a house be built with no windows facing the back yard? Why are freckles cute on little kids & called age spots & deemed ugly when we are older? Why is it good to laugh & be happy but bad to have laugh lines & crow's feet? Why is tanned skin considered beautiful but bad for you? Why is it considered beautiful to be natural but impossible to naturally be what is now classified beautiful without surgery & hair color? Why do you need a license to have a dog or catch a fish but no license to have a child? Why do we tire of answering why questions so we end up doing so with a "because I said so" or "just because that's the way it is" response to inquiring minds? Why do Internet news medias think I care what Britney is doing, who Prince William is dating & if an American Idol contestant got into a disagreement on a plane- but real news is not reported? Enigma's. Is it fate, karma, destiny, devine intervention or what that I happened upon this ever appropriate word just before sitting down to write today? That too is an enigma.

For now my Dear Readers, I hope you are not too puzzled, too mystified or perplexed, that I have not left you in too much of an enigma of your own. If you have some answers feel free to mail them to me!! Thanks for reading & Be Blessed!

Independence, Victories & Wounds

2007-07-05T09:12:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was America's Independence day, Happy Belated 4th of July America! This day, I too found a bit of independence.

I became no longer dependent on land for a few hours as I roamed a gorgeous lake in a nice boat for a few hours. Not only was the water clean & blue but the sky seemed to be vying for attention in competition with the lake. A few harmless, charming, fluffy white clouds added a decorative touch here & there. A fighter jet did a fly-by in a celebratory salute "Hello". Pristine mountains showed off their beauty with snow covered tops-somehow seeming closer from our watery perch-taunting us with their cool serenity as the sun beat down upon us.

It was a day of victories & of pride in many forums. Some people strutted like peacocks with full plumage, strongly showing off sculpted bodies, tattoos & tans (they need a scar!) Others maintained a more coy demeanor as they almost shyly flaunted their bikinis, tans & fashion sense. Some felt this included wearing pants with the waistline nearly below their entire bottom so as to show off the inner layer of bagginess, be it swim trunks or boxers! Backwards hats, sideways hats, sunglasses on eyes, top of head or backwards altogether. Then there were those prideful of their possessions . So much to take in! It made the beauty of the natural surroundings & excapability all that much more inviting! So off we went!

My oldest son excelled at wake boarding in his first efforts, another natural talent for him I suppose. His friend also had fun even while less successful. Then there were the dual inflatables, what a riot that was. My 3 yr old would have braved this adventure on his own but I insisted his oldest brother go along. Many family memories made & Sadly my camera batteries died, rendering me unable to capture any of it. Any that is except 1 lone picture of my niece's fiance holding the "skier down" flag. Next time, I would like to try wake-boarding, even if it kills this old worn out body I'm trapped inside. We tired quickly in the heat, calling it a day by mid afternoon. While my oldest son sported his sunburn (despite us all using amply sunblock) like a purple heart awarded for returning semi-victorious from battle with the elements, mine was more of a "friendly-fire" wound.

After a short break our festivities continued with BBQ-ing & later fireworks. This independence day I am reminded that any battle can be won with enough determination. I hope I can incorporate this fighting spirit of determination into my own life & my own little struggles, no matter how insurmountable they may seem to me. Wish me luck expanding my independence as I do you with yours. Be Blessed Dear Readers!

The Attempted Rescue & Miscellaneous Other Goings On

2007-07-01T20:51:00.000-07:00

When my family returned from their maiden boating trip yesterday there was an extra passenger. A baby Clarks Greeb was injured, my husband happened to notice it in the lake, turned off the boat & the little thing made it's way over to his outstretched hand as if to say, "Please help me?". As soon as the boat was put away & our family was back home the downy baby was taken to a friend who is very knowledgeable about water fowl. Sadly, it was too late, it was too sick & nothing could be done. It was a gentle reminder of how many beautiful little creatures are in God's world & how fragile they all are.

My husband was busy today & installed 2 more windows in the house! I got our floors fairly clean for the first time in a long time. Between parrots, dogs, kids, many members of the household & construction work, the place was an absolute mess! Anyway, it felt good to get some stuff accomplished. I also learned how to write "This end up. Fragile, handle with care." in Russian, thanks to a translation website, so I can get a care package mailed. I am extremely behind in getting things mailed off, so it was nice to get a step further in that department too.

My sons & husband set up a salt water fish tank with a clown fish & a zebra fish. Their names are Nemo & Marty. Can you tell we like animated movies? Once the tank is better established there are plans to add more. In the fresh water tank my 6 yr old requested aquatic frogs which were added. However, when I went to look for them I couldn't find them anywhere in the tank. I think Wilbur (our piggy of a fish) might have had a snack since hubby said Wilbur was eyeballing them pretty good when they were introduced to the tank. Despite the carnivorous Wilbur, the home office where these two tanks are located, is very soothing & relaxing to be in. Hubby says he gave me a corner to do scrap booking in, but he keeps spreading out, a little bit further & further. I don't know how realistic it is to picture us sharing an office space together anyway, but who knows? It was thoughtful either way.

Our "Transplants", my niece & her fiance have officially been here in Oregon 1 month today! I'm very proud of them for already having jobs & making progress in other areas as well. Yea!! One area of progress would be my niece learning how to drive. It is much easier to learn in our little town than on the "mean streets of L.A." that is for sure!

My 7 yr old is learning the value of a dollar because his obsession with Pokemon & Yugio cards led me to tell him I would not pay for anymore cards. He has to earn money & buy them himself if that is what he wants. He was happily compliant with chores today & excited to be paid for going the extra mile so to speak with cleaning his room long after his brothers had abandoned the project. He was so excited to pick out the packs he wanted, it was very cute. Going through the self check out line & feeding 14 one dollar bills through the cash machine, wasn't as cute! Ugh. Oh well, we all lived through it. He also wanted a journal, I paid for that, I want to encourage him to write & draw. He got a new pair of PJ's too because he seems to be drinking Miracle Grow instead of chocolate milk when I'm not looking. Next I will take my 6 yr old on his own special little shopping trip. Then the 3 yr old. Yikes! Thank goodness for the dollar store!!! I love that place.

Tomorrow I have plans to see a matinee with my niece & then take the boys to see Ratouille, that ought to be fun!! I also have to make it by the post office & fed ex, wish me luck there! That can be a long drawn out process (post office, waiting in line) but hopefully it won't consume the whole day!

My migraines seem to be returning with a vengeance, ever since the misplaced trigger point injection in the back of my skull. My personal opinion-don't ever do that! Ugh. Acupuncture has worked amazingly well in helping me with that pain though, so, time for another appointment it seems.

Sadly, there is nothing else to report so this is it for today Dear Readers. Until next time, Be Blessed!

Oral Fixations & Zoo Furnishings & "Oh Yeah, I Forgot"

2007-06-30T16:43:00.000-07:00

I'll work my way backward from the title in subject matter, it just seems more fitting! Under my last post on bad timing, I believe I forgot to mention that: While at a lumber store & looking at various deck railing options my youngest son became very hot & whipped off his shirt. This delighted his brothers to no end who then laughed & giggled & yelled several times, "Ridge is getting naked, Mom look, Ridge is getting naked!" This was barely audible through the laughter, although, me being semi-psycho, I freaked about people watching & how to act in public & then relaxed slightly because it was hard to say with a straight face, "Ridge, I'm sorry you're hot baby but you need to put your shirt back on" to the inescapable response of "Why?" for me to then answer, "Because, you just do". Ooh there's some death defying logic huh?

In other equally noteworthy news, let's see....yup I'm drawing a blank, that's how darned exciting my life is! Maybe it is harder to keep my thoughts & wits about me because of all the chaos involved in the various remodeling projects going on under-foot, none of which are done. I sit at my father's old desk which I'm so thankful to be in possession of, however it is facing a torn up wall where a large heater vent use to be. Next to me on the left is a 3/4 wall, which use to go all the way to the ceiling. My husband opened it at my suggestion to make a shelf for me. I had envisioned plants basking in health, dazzling us with their beauty, sitting upon said shelf. But sadly, no, not even close. The shelf became a catch all for tools & clean laundry & mail to go to recipients of the household whose bedrooms are on the 1st floor. Not only that, there are electrical cords still sticking fast in their original spot, yet to be moved, ah the beauty of it all, then there are the 3 different colors of paint, it's rather dizzying actually!!! I can't wait until it is done. Currently however, my house is flashing passers by with its nakedness. The siding has been torn off on 1/2 the house in only 1 & 1/2 days by 2 very hard working gentlemen we were fortunate enough to run across & employ. Did I mention siding was delivered & a garbage bin as well? They now decorate my redneck yard of the week as Jeff Foxworthy would say, along with a sliding glass door & some windows awaiting installation & whatever other cr*pola we've accumulated over the years. So yes, I will blame this outer chaos on my brain's chaos, it sounds like a good excuse to me so I'm sticking with that one for now.

Today while at, where-else but the hardware & lumber supply store, in an effort to keep the boys alive & not choked by their father, I took them with me to the garden supply area. My niece helped me cattle ranch the little boogers into submission, no easy feat but let me tell you, she makes them tow the line! This little endeavor ended up costing me $60.00 as I grabbed the last 2 ( 1 being a display) child size wooden park benches the store had. These benches had metal arms & in the middle of the back of the bench is a metal panel of zoo animals!!! It was just too appropriate with my 3 little monkeys. Besides, I could logically reason that this was a "Need" because their bean bag chairs only lasted about a minute & a half! Stupid little beans, ever try picking those suckers up? UGH! So, we now have zoo furniture for our biggest, noisiest zoo animals! This is good timing to because, oh, did I not give you the dish on this tasty little tidbit yet? - My husband & I are trading rooms with our boys because eventually we will remodel their room into what will ultimately be a master bedroom & bath. We are trading now because hubby is "about to" (yeah, ladies we all know about the man's "I'm about to's" don't we?) install a sliding glass door into our "gonna-be" master bedroom & a window in our now current / "gonna-be" boys' bedroom. This is partly out of safety, because the deck off before- mentioned sliding glass door is yet to be built & we don't want the little buggers splatting into the playground/backyard below. The fun never ends I tell ya. Anyway, I am getting them new furniture for their new room & they will be missing many toys that currently litter the room.

As far as oral fixations go: My littlest guy is obsessed with gumballs. I finally buy a bag of bribery (aka: assorted candies which include gumballs) & what does he do? His face lights up with delight & he marvels at each & every spot of it then licks it ( the taste test) & deems it worthy-to be saved in his pants pocket!!! Can you say "eeeeuw"? Can't you just imagine him pulling it out of his pocket later & popping it in his mouth-along with a bucket of lint & whatever else (God forbid, heaven only knows) is in there?! Mm tasty!! My 6 yr old for some odd reason is fixated with sucking/chewing on the collar of his t-shirts, he also bites his nails. At swim lessons while waiting for the teacher & not having any nails or shirt to chew on he started sucking on his arm stating, "This tastes like meat". Can you say "wierd"?? Ahh the joys of motherhood. But I have my oral fixations too-I had to go out for Thai food on my birthday, yummy. I have my dark chocolate & coffee cravings but that goes without saying. Some good chap stick is often swabbed on my lips-that's semi-oral I guess. Then there was today, Mexican food! It was delish, however, my fragile tummy decided not to hang on to this for long. This caused me to miss out on our very first ever boating adventure in our new-to-us boat. Well, that & getting incredibly annoyed with my husband! I may have thrown him overboard if I was strong enough! grrr. Anyway, I am partially glad it happened because it's given me much missed time to catch up with this little rant I write. You poor souls, you dear readers you, here I sit, happily torturing you some more. The good "oral fixation" news I have has to deal with my youngest son's speech appointment. It is amazing that he now is producing the endings of words! Not just soft sounds but harder, blended sounds. Yes he is getting them mixed up, that goes without saying (no pun intended there, that one just fell into place, sorry) but even mixed up, they are now being spoken!!! To help him say "s" the speech pathologist used drinking straws. He bites down on the straw, the tip in his mouth helps push his tongue down, if he lets go with his teeth the straw falls out. The closed teeth help him to say the "s" ! That handy trick along with her touching his face for clues as to tongue placement for other sounds has him reading little books with her!! It is such a blessing & such a wonderful thing to see in motion, not just as a mother either, the tactics used are really intriguing. He also blows bubbles & horns to practice getting enough air out to form words (which he can now do thanks to his speech path noticing his huge tonsils & adenoids & recommending a good Dr who removed them). All I can say is if you have a Scottish Rites speech clinic in your community you are truly blessed because many cities do not. I strongly encourage you, if you are at all able to please make a donation to their efforts. Their services are free. I know other moms in other areas who travel at great lengths (including taking trains/subways, walking, etc) to get to a speech path they have to pay for the appointment if lucky enough to be seen & not just on an endless waiting list. Also, many places do not offer services during summer & this lapse for a special needs child is like jumping backward 50 yards in progress. Okay, I'll get off my soap box for now. Eeeuw, now there is a yucky "oral fixation". I'll try to leave of on a more tasty treat: all I can say is: I wish you chocolate or whatever your craving. And remember, if you wash it down with diet soda it misses your hips completely without any aerobic exercise whatsoever! Honest, I think, at least maybe. Just don't quote me on the diet advice! Be blessed dear readers, until next time!

Bad Timing

2007-06-22T06:45:00.000-07:00

Yesterday evening, my 6 yr old had his first appointment with a child psychologist to be evaluated for possible "absence seizure disorder" vs ADD/ADHD. The appointment was at 5:20, I think the Dr. might have been suffering from an absence disorder himself since he didn't come in until about 6:40. Thankfully there was 1 child's book & 1 child's magazine in the room, I think I have the stories & articles memorized & I have brain fog people!

So anyway, the Dr. was charming & attentive once with us. He did leave the room about 3 times but eventually always came back. He had my son draw a picture of his family, Drew only included those living in our house, so then I had to explain why & where his sisters were. Ugh. Then the Dr. asked Drew to draw what he wanted to do this summer. My son made a picture of himself with his tongue out slurping an ice cream cone he was holding while outside the front gate of the zoo. It was very cute & in both these pictures everyone was smiling.

Then, my darling, sweet, innocent, charming child started drawing independently to occupy his vast amount of time during this appointment. He perfectly created a cyclone fence close to the bottom of the page & stick like borders on each side. Inside this enclosed area he drew what looked like many upside-down horse-shoes with a ball at the top-center of each. When asked what this was a picture of he excitedly responded: "That's a fence in the desert & those are traps with bombs & those are stick things so you can't get out." I nearly had to pop a xanax in front of the psych doctor! I awaited handcuffs to be hauled away for bad parenting. I covered my face in shock & shame. I spoke rapidly, defending myself & my child in honesty, "he's never drawn anything remotely like this ever! I don't watch the news on TV so the kids won't see anything they shouldn't - I read all my news on the Internet. I just don't understand!!! Drew, honey, is this from some sort of computer or video game or something?" "No" was his response, I sunk further into the stiff, bun-numbing chair with my shame. Of all the times to draw such a thing, it had to be in front of a child psychologist, great, just great!

So now, the doctor, who was there for Drew, spent about 3 minutes calming me down. What a nut job I must have seemed like to him. Never-the-less, I am a free woman, not condemned to putting square pegs in round holes & attending parenting classes. My son is to be scheduled with a specialist in another town for an EEG in a hyperventilated-sleep deprived state for a sleep study. Pending those results we will know if it is a seizure disorder-which could be what is effecting his speech, or if it is just (oh joy & lucky us) ADD/ADHD. The fun never ends I tell you. I was a tad concerned about how to hyperventilate a child who is currently suffering from hay fever/allergy induced asthma but was reassured it is somehow possible.

For now, Dear Readers, I will close, as I am downstairs & the loud crashing of children on furniture & hardwood floors overhead has me wondering about steel-reinforcement beams for the house. This noise is mingled with yelling, laughter & occasional cries so I suppose I must put on my drill Sargent hat & take charge of the situation. I wish you ear-plugs, a sturdy combat hat, nerves of steel & the best timing possible for all things in your life. Be Blessed Dear Readers, Be Blessed.

Disney Princess Theories

2007-06-19T11:44:00.000-07:00

I had mentioned to a very intelligent, thoughtful, courageous woman I have the honor of knowing & have become friends with, that I've spent much of my life feeling like Cinderella. I mentioned that lately I've been blessed, incredibly blessed, with some good fortune. Instead of enjoying however, I seem to go into panic mode, stressed that I will do something wrong & it will disappear. I likened this to Cinderella, instead of gladly wearing the glass slippers to the ball I seem to want to put them in bubble wrap to keep them safe. Unfortunately, that would mean nothing in my life would change & much change is needed.

My friend of super-hero proportions in heart & spirit & actions & intellect responded eloquently, as usual. She provided a very nice point of view & theory of her own on the rags to riches Disney princess. The following is quoting her, with her granted permission: "I once thought this story was about finding Prince charming who would then whisk you away from all your troubles & live happily ever after. But for some reason tonight I feel differently. You know I think once Cinderella believed in herself, she no longer felt comfortable in her limited / love-less world. She stood up to everyone & claimed what was rightfully hers. She and her prince get together & decide to live happily ever after." Further more, my friend, with a background in Social Work, advised me: "We could learn a lot from her. So "Cinderella" throw that bubble wrap away & claim what is yours & enjoy it!!!! We really don't know what tomorrow will bring...but we know about today & we deserve & need to enjoy this moment fully!!! Now of course I am not advocating for selfishness & greed we are much more evolved than this. we deserve to be happy & to share this with everyone we encounter. Please try to fight your worries they are so limiting...you deserve so much more & you know...so do I." Thank you Lisa L. in New York, you are now like the Fairy God Mother in the story. You did not make magic that was not there, you transformed the way I see what is already in front of me. Thank you so very much for the fairy-tale - reality check!

In my youth I spent many wasted hours looking for knights in shining armour. I made several bad choices in the male-companion department. Some men want only to be knights & once a damsel is no longer in distress they set off to rescue another. When I was particularly fond of a knight this feeling led me to cultivating harmful &/or dangerous behavior to once again qualify for D.I.D. (damsel in distress) status.

Once saved, the illusion of what awaited on the other side of the rescue met the harsh reality of something vastly different. Constantly having to reaffirm & reassure someone of their self-worth grows rapidly tiresome. So, as if a school yard game, the cycle then would continue to repeat with new players.

All of this theorizing brings me to think about Snow White. Now no-one should need a magic mirror to tell them they are beautiful - ideally we need to see the beauty within ourselves to better enable it to reflect out to others. But honey, let me tell you, there are plenty of days I'd pay good money for that sort of little mood booster! Not only is one of the Golden Rules "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all" but more importantly, I remember hearing somewhere along the way in life this wonderful tidbit that I've made part of each day: "You should always be able to find something nice to say about everyone". Not only does looking for beauty in others give you a great outlook on life but it also spreads that positive outlook to others. More often than not a compliment once received is similarly often returned to the giver &/or others. Then we get the pebble in the pond ripple effect. So, to finally get back on track, my belief is that if Maleficent would have spent more time trying to see the beauty in others, not just herself, maybe some hidden beauty within herself would have appeared visibly for all without threats of violence or cruel demise if not stated. I suppose the dwarfs symbolize "little people" - not in height stature, but in social classification. These people of "lesser importance in the social class system" actually demonstrated the best work ethic & positive spirit. They instinctively saw Snow White's kindness & beauty as she saw theirs. I always say animals & children never lie as far as their feelings about people, Snow White was a friend of the forest animals, further proving her genuine goodness.

Thank you Walt Disney productions for giving us so much food for thought / princess introspection! Be Blessed Dear Readers, find your inner princess & spread the beauty!

Deciphering Dogs, Cricket Life Spans & Tickle Monsters

2007-06-18T21:42:00.000-07:00

On my last post entitled "Randomness" I mentioned wondering what happened when dogs stop in mid-bark. Well, having to spend 3 hrs at the medical clinic Thursday afternoon, another 3 Friday morning followed by 1 1/2 hrs at the hospital - I had plenty of time to flip through old magazines & some new ones. There are a lot of ads in the back of these & believe it or not, there is a thing that supposedly translates what your dog is barking into real words. It said one dog was swearing, another comment was that a child was interested in eavesdropping on his dog's conversation with another dog. Crazy huh?!

Continuing the crazy theme, I have to admonish myself for not remembering more of my Animal Planet shows & books. What is the life expectancy of a rogue, lucky cricket? Is it possible for a cricket to sing so much it sings itself to death? Someone please help me?!! Lucky or not, ominous or not, it is driving me nuts! I don't want to squash a good luck charm or be unappreciative of nature's music but, enough is enough already!

Well, projects await & my children's list of summer activities have reached computer-calendar-reminder-alarm level & it is still only June. I refuse to schedule park time because I like to be spontaneous & not limit going to the wonderful parks around here to just a specific allotted time, preferring to go often & in surprise fashion. Yesterday I was the park-playground "tickle monster" I quickly found that I am an OLD tickle monster, hardly capable of capturing & torturing anyone. This lead to the "freeze" rule, to incorporate a bit of freeze tag into the game & give me a tickling chance! I'm still worn out from it! Who needs aerobics class? Until next time: Be Blessed Dear Readers & have some summer fun despite random craziness.

Randomness

2007-06-17T20:51:00.000-07:00

A while back my husband & I were trying to think of what cute, short phrase to purposely teach his African Gray to say. He, laughing so hard barely able to speak said, "buy me a boat, b*tch"! I had to laugh because we had discussed trying to buy a boat large enough to accommodate our family yet not be an ocean liner. We even window-shopped new & used boats. Ultimately, we ended up putting money on new, larger, more efficient appliances instead. After all, those are used daily compared to the number of times we would actually all get together on the boat. Plus the cost of storing it etc. Not to mention we have many, many home improvement projects, desperately awaiting our attention. So, today here in the U.S.A. is Father's day and to celebrate we all went to see The Fantastic Four Rise of the Silver Surfer. It was great fun, despite being a $70.00 expense. This was followed by going out to dinner for Chinese food & stopping to see if the home improvement store was still open - it wasn't. On the way back from the closed store there was a very eye catching used boat for sale. It is Father's day so we humored him & all waited in the car while he checked it out - and boy did he ever check it out! So once we got home, driving with dad's sales' pitch a lot of the way, I turned around to leave again. I went to the grocery store & got a helium Mylar balloon I'd seen there before. It was the shape of a sale boat & said, SS Dad #1 dad xoxoxoxo . I brought it home, handed it to him & said, "here, your b*tch bought you a boat". It was pretty amusing.

While we were sitting in the car waiting for my husband to finish collecting in tel on the used boat, we looked around at whatever was there to entertain ourselves. Oddly enough, we were facing a do-it-yourself-car wash (that's not the odd part) & there was a sign posted on it that said "No Mud No Grease". I'm guessing if your car had mud or grease on it, chances are, you'd want it washed off-so apparently you would need to use a different car wash that that. Seems pretty ridiculous, like the sign should have said, "Only come if your car is clean"

Once home mulling about, I discovered tons of soap suds & a bit of water all over our kitchen floor. I figured the repair man messed something up when he was out last time but I was wrong. It turns out my niece's fiance had been kind enough to do dishes for us. Well, bless his heart, the dishwasher has been broken since they moved in & you've got to give a guy credit for trying. He used the type of dish soap that is for doing dishes by hand, rather than the automatic dish-washer soap that we have stored under the sink. When we opened up the dishwasher all that could be seen was soap suds. It was hysterical. Moreover, seeing a big built guy 6 feet 4 inches in height get all embarrassed about it & feel bad was even more hysterical. I told him the God's honest truth,"If you mess up in this house, you have to know you are going to get teased about it forever because (then using a term they'd be familiar with I added;) that's just the way we roll."

A dog in the neighborhood is barking tonight. Ever notice how dogs bark with a bit of a rhythm to it for the most part? I always wonder what happens when the dogs sometimes stop mid bark. hm? Another one for the mystery books I suppose.

Until next time Dear Readers, Be Blessed!

IVs for Stick-Boy-itis & Parrot Computer Message

2007-06-16T07:49:00.000-07:00

Thursday afternoon I took my son to the walk in clinic to be seen by a doctor. The walk in hours had been from 4pm-7pm on Thursdays. I arrived at 3:30 & was told to go & come back closer to 4:30pm (the hours had changed). I took my son to get a milkshake, trying to encourage him to drink or eat something since he had not been feeling like eating or drinking. We came back at 4:10ish, & were then pushed off to # 4 or so in line. Oh well. We were seen by a very capable & personable physician we'd not met before. Having many children, 1 with a chronic illness, myself & husband with chronic illnesses, we are there a lot & usually know the staff well. This clinic teaches physicians just out of school too, residency-training, so to be honest, sometimes it's a crap-shoot. Pardon that expression please. So, the doctor saw my son & decided he has severe allergies causing a bit of asthma. My husband & 3 yr old have had asthma all their lives so this was not surprising news, just another to add to the list. We were given a prescription for an antibiotic because of his history of fever, it would cover whatever infection, then a chewable allergy/asthma medicine & an inhaler. Orders for lab work were post-poned so that we could get to the pharmacy in time. Some 2 or 3 hours & over $100.00 in medication later, we returned home. My poor limp rag of a son took 1 dose of the medicine & had maybe 1/2 of a 7up & fell asleep. Friday morning he awoke as white as paper, ruby-red lips, throwing up buckets after his morning dose of the medicine. I phoned hoping to rectify the matter quickly by phone but no such luck. We then spent Friday morning from 8:30-11:30 at the doctor's office, seen by 1 physician primarily with another 2 consulting. Blood work was drawn in a difficult fashion because of his dehydration level but he was like a super hero, very good about getting it all done. He then had a chest x-ray as well. More consulting & debating about the next step & the mother in me came out. I spoke up to these learned professionals & reminded them - it's Friday, if he is worse over the weekend what is available so that we don't have to go to the ER? So, bless their little PhD hearts, they listened, agreed & ordered IV fluids but gave us a brief reprieve first. So, a bit of a lunch break then off to the hospital at 1:30. We were once again free a tad after 3:00pm. I have to say we received excellent care from everyone - sadly not always the case, but this time, this time was a very good experience, especially under the circumstances. So, my anemic little guy's test results showed that those multi-vitamins with iron actually work & he is currently not anemic. His labs had been ordered stat & we were called back promptly, yet another God reigning down smiley-faces moment. All was normal-praise God, except a bit of a higher white cell count confirming some sort of infection & tests confirming his dehydration affecting his body. Did I mention that this is my 6 yr old who on Thursday was back down to 40 lbs & on Friday only just barely 39 lbs? I am the mom trying to push chocolate milk, ice cream, all the fattening stuff - to no avail, or in some small victories, minimal acceptance. Weird huh? All of our good care, though time consuming, was then followed by a follow up call from the doctor we saw Thursday with her concerned questions. I was floored with grateful amazement at the thoroughness, this was not our primary physician, it was someone we saw on-call once! She updated my son's file electronically & on paper to reflect his allergic reaction to the antibiotic. She furthermore, sent an e-mail to our primary care physician updating her of the latest & not so greatest news. In addition to all of this, she then told me where she would be on call for Saturday & Sunday & how to reach her if necessary. Have we died & gone to heaven? I was beginning to think so. The fluids, discontinuing the antibiotic & keeping up with the other medicine paid off. Saturday morning (today) my little guy actually came to me with a bit of his old spark, he even asked for something to eat & drink which he hadn't done in like a week! He is now once again playing with his brothers rather than just laying under covers half asleep. What a blessing. The birds outside are singing, sharing their joy in our moment. Thank you God!

My little Senegal parrot, Sunny has become quite jealous & protective of me unfortunately. He is so very loving to me. I can no longer let him out when I type here at the computer though. Yesterday when I attempted to do so, Sunny walked down my arm & stood on the edge of the computer. No worries, he sort of checked out the keys & screen but no worries. That is until he took particular interest in a specific key & removed it from the keyboard. I retrieved the parts from his beak so he was safe. It wasn't a key I use ever so it did not effect my ability to do various tasks, just means more repair work for dear old husband. However, as I sit here this morning, I am wondering if maybe, just maybe Sunny was trying to tell me something? The key he removed says, "pause break" . I am inclined, in my exhausted body, unfashionably clad in nightie & robe, longing for bed, solitude & an ocean view, to believe he is right! Is this now divine intervention through one of God's feathered creatures? I'd certainly like to think so!!!

Until next time Dear Readers, take care, when unable to do so for yourself, I wish you good care from trained medical staff, be well in soul, spirit & body. Most of all....yes, you know, Be Blessed!

Bathroom Gum & Care-Package Jam

2007-06-13T13:17:00.000-07:00

I find myself not sure where to start today. I've been writing on a less regular basis & for that I apologize. Not only to you Dear Readers but to my soul, jotting these vaguely coherent thoughts down is quite therapeutic for me & hopefully entertaining for you.

I exchanged physical addresses with my Russian friend who resides in Kazakhstan & I am sending an American care package to him, his sister & her 15 yr old daughter. The requests were simple & it was fun shopping. A pair of sunglasses, a purse, a cowboy hat, a teddy bear, little things. I threw in a USA baby outfit for the teddy bear to wear, some USA stickers & 2 t-shirts saying "American" on them. That & I had to send my favorite type of jam, a jam I've only heard of & found in Oregon, made of Marion berries. It is delish! In exchange I am learning some Russian recipes, some of the language & receiving some popular Russian music, but most of all, a terrific friendship.

My 3 year old son was so excited to tell me about going to the hardware store with Daddy & getting a gumball. I, wanting to encourage more free flowing conversation with him asked, "Oh, what color was your gumball?" This seemed innocent enough at the time. Unfortunately it was a gigantically, gross, can of worms I had opened up! He raced to the bathroom, yes, I said bathroom, I heard him climbing a bit (there is no medicine cabinet) & a bit of banging around. He then emerged from - the bathroom (!) - with gum which had been chewed & put it in his mouth for further chewing before my dropped-to-the-floor-jaw could assume speaking position again & proclaim resoundingly "No, don't do that, yucky, gross germs!!!" Oh, why wasn't I quicker?!! It was too late, it had re-entered his mouth from it's hiding place in the bathroom. I really DON'T want to know where, I am trying to block it out of my mind!! Trying, still trying. The only comfort I can give myself over this grotesque event is hope that we are building his immune system to rival that of some genetically enhanced engineered creature of the future. Please, say this is the case!!! Yuck.

We've decided that my little Senegal parrot is slightly, well, I don't know the politically correct term so I'll just throw it out there - retarded! He gets a bit over-excited or something at times & seems to fall off his toy or perch onto the floor of his cage. He then squawks a lot throughout this whole weird process & flaps around like he is trying to spin on his back like a disco dancer or rapper or something - but there's no music. Maybe he has epilepsy? I don't know. But, once I open his cage & take him out he is fine. It is like a temper tantrum to get me to let him out. I don't know if I'll ever figure it out, but my husband lovingly reassures me that this bird & I are a match made in heaven! I've learned not to feed him a grape or apple slice when he is perched on me because he flings it around & drops it. With the grape, he punctured it then shook his head squirting juice all over my face. Can you feel the love? I felt so much love I had to wipe it off with a washcloth! Ugh. I'm pretty sure at this point that our pets own us & we are theirs not vice-verse.

School is almost out. Swim lessons are attempting to be scheduled, library story hour trips are planned, lots of remodeling & yard work too. Trips to the park, scraped knees, bug bites, not wanting to fall asleep because it stays light so long, so much to look forward to. I must be crazy because I actually am looking forward to most of it. My 6 yr old picked out the "Madagascar" movie to watch, how appropriate is that? I think I am the zebra in reverse venturing to my homeland to find people because I live with so many animals. Animals & small children, you always know where you stand with them. Maybe that is what I like. There is no gossiping, no hidden agendas, no back stabbing to climb the corporate ladder or anything else. They are who they appear to be - genuine. That can be a rare quality to find in an adult sadly.

Well, the repair man has fixed our dishwasher. I'm not sure if Hallmark folks will make this a holiday but I am celebrating here at my house none the less!

Be blessed with genuine people in your lives Dear Readers, & just in general as well.

Fortune; Shopping; & The **** Joneses

2007-06-10T09:03:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine & I were commenting on how quickly the week flew by. We thought we might just be getting old but her alternative explanation was God was playing tiddly winks with the Earth's rotation cycles. I rather favor leaning toward her version of events for obvious reasons.

The last time my husband bought crickets to feed to the tank full of blue-bellied lizards from Gramma & Papa's house, 1 escaped. Cricket that is, thankfully, not lizard. This rogue cricket is so happy about escaping his doom & migrating to an undisclosed location in the front of our living room that he can't stop singing. Day in, day out, nigh & day he sings. I remember that crickets are suppose to be good luck & this one obviously has fortune on his side, or at least prosperity, so I had to buy a lottery ticket or 2! I may be pushing my luck just a bit as things already have been going rather well.

Rather well indeed, except that is, for my old friend turned bitter enemy: Mr. Electric Dishwasher. I don't know if the gosh darn thing joined a labor union on it's last "vacation" & went on strike or what. Sadly, crisis intervention was called for in the form of an equally daunting duel persona. Fail-safe "Mr. Fix It Repair Man" vs his evil twin who says, "That part didn't fix the problem & I have to order another part, it could be up to 3 weeks". He has the nerve to say this to moi, the matriarch of a household of 8 humans. I suppose that explains his speedy departure.

My poor darling-husband works many hours at his regular job in addition to side jobs, on top of coming home to find a laundry-list of home-improvement projects awaiting his capable hands & precious time. This being the case, we seem to frequent home-building-supply stores as much as regular employees. Unfortunately, it is us paying them, in a cruel twist of fate, to buy ourselves work none-the-less! The audacity of it all! Simply outrageous in concept & in deed is it not? "Here, let me give you gobs of money for this item, which will consume time I don't have in order to install it & deplete any energy stores I may be hiding, only to cause me to relinquish more money for an alcoholic attitude-adjustment". Why do we do this to ourselves? For appearances' sake? To keep up with the Joneses? Somebody please declare the Joneses witches (surely it must be true!) & burn them at the stake! Oh wait - the stakes are for sale at the evil work-horse store! Figures doesn't it?! Anybody have more crickets that haven't foolishly been fed to lizards? In all honesty though, we do these things for ourselves, to change our house to our home, a better reflection of who we are & a more comfortable, inviting place for ourselves, I sadly, cannot blame the ****Joneses, only myself.

This brings me to the next black-hole-money-pit we were compelled to frequent today: the pet store. This 1 we hadn't been in before. Just inside the front of this store was a rather large Camen (an alligator-type creature). He was longer than I could spread my arms to depict with thick legs & a snout/mouth about as long as my fingers, but undeniably thicker. When this creature lunged from the water to have his front end on a rock, it was quite audible from the middle of the store. Now I ask you, why would anyone want a pet that looks like it could eat it's owner for a snack much like we down a few Oreo cookies?! I'm having a hard time understanding this concept. However, I'm sure there are just as many who have a hard time understanding my husband sharing his breakfast cereal with is African Gray parrot. Or me, letting my Senegal parrot kiss me after I've had cream & sugar laden coffee. Or the idea of a duck perching either on my son's head (see previous photo) or my husband's shoulder, or the arm of the couch watching television or attempting to take a dry bath on our living room floor. Yes, we are an odd bunch I suppose. This hits home the most when I watch & hear my husband apologize to his pet duck for putting it outside...yeah, to somewhat quote "The Wizard of Oz" "Toto, we sure ain't in Kansas no more!"

But unlike that traveling group, we definitely have heart & courage (remember GST's visit & 6, count 'em 6 kids, need I really further prove that point?) & enjoy home - for the most part. We may not know where the "yellow brick road" is, but we have a vague sense of direction thanks to a GPS system. And, OK, I'll give in that the whole brains issue is extremely debatable. I guess we'll just have to make up for it with heart & courage. That or see if we can find it on sale at the ever-frequented home-improvement store! Maybe it is next to the yellow-road-bricks? Price check aisle 9 please?

Be Blessed Dear Readers!

Parrot Dabbling in Dental Hygiene & Hair-Dos

2007-06-05T21:19:00.000-07:00

My new little feathered friend is definitely living up to his name, brightening my day with Sunshine. Sunny was showing an apparent interest in dental hygiene, he was kissing me, then attempting to clean my teeth with his beak. He gave lots of kisses & I wondered if he was thirsty trying to get a drink, so I let him drink from my glass of ice water. He is also polite enough to usually fly off of me to poo. Hooray! He even chirps loudly for me if I am out of his sight a bit, he is a wonderful friend!! Although he enjoys re-doing my hair in different styles than I'd care for & being a mom of many I am NOT too picky in that department. We'll teach him though.

The little MIA daughter came by to use the Internet & printer then also called yesterday for me to take her to the doctor. The poor thing has such a severe sore throat it took 4 doctors checking it to make sure it wasn't strep. She also had a chest x-ray to check for pneumonia which turned out negative. I couldn't help but buy her a miniature rose bush plant when I got her prescription. Poor baby. Then she got offended when I said she needed to take better care of herself. To her, there was nothing wrong with wearing shorts & slipper-socks & a sweatshirt when she it's cold & rainy & she's sick. Silly mom & my silly mistakes & lack of fashion sense. I must not have offended her too horribly though because she called& came by again today for computer use, food & visited a bit. She is feeling better too which is good.

I should also note that while my friend currently resides in Kazakhstan, he is Russian, not Kazakh. Other miscellaneous news includes the fact that my husband finally broke the Wii Curse. Every time he had funding to purchase one there was not one available in our town, at times we missed the last one by 10 minutes! So he is a very happy camper & so are the kids, big & small. Now what a wonderful bribe we have to hold over them to clean their rooms & so on! I am lucky to learn how to turn the stupid thing on.

Until next time Dear Readers, Be Blessed!

Coffee with a Kazhak & Hip Pain Nightmare-Torture

2007-06-01T14:21:00.000-07:00

Well, I've been away from writing for a few days & I've missed it, missed you. I honestly don't know how I've been pre-occupied other than the usual. So, here is a bit of the here & now that I've not yet shared with you.

A friend in New York said something so beautiful to me the other day, I asked her if I may quote her & she said it was alright. So here, in thick New York accent I'm told this beautiful pearl of wisdom: "It is amazing, but in our darkest moments...when we can't even see our hands in front of our face, something beautiful & bright shines through..." My cynical opinion had always been that the light at the end of the tunnel was an oncoming train! But, I like to think that my friend is the one who is actually correct in this matter. Let's all hope so at least.

I've been having my morning coffee with a friend in Kazakhstan, via web-cam & Internet calls. It is a nice way to wake up in the morning, although I am telling him good night due to time zones. He prefers strong tea so I am trying to honor a promise to him to cut down, he noticed my coffee cup looked large. I try to explain that in Oregon, we like our coffee 24/7 & merely partaking in 2 cups is not bad at all, but....I realize it is an excuse, so I stop myself. So far I have only learned 2 words of Russian but I will attempt to learn more!!

I am a bit ashamed to admit that my subconscious fears get the best of me! I started visiting with a stranger on-line, instant messaging. My courage was spurred on by having such a possitive experience with the surprise friend mentioned above. I then asked this person their name & where they are from? I find out I am typing to & from with a man from Syria. I was so shocked, I couldn't help but ask, "You don't hate Americans?" Since on my profile it clearly says "Hi from USA..." He said not all of them did & we had a short conversation. We spoke of the high costs of the war for all parties, of jointly wishing for freedom for all people, of the coming election & curiosity over what would come next. Now here is the part I am ashamed of. I have bursitis in my hips, worse on my left. I have to take medicine to fall asleep at all & for some reason, I was sleeping very hard for the first time in a long time. However, I was sleeping soundly on my left side - not good. The pain was aching & stabbing into me but I could not wake enough to roll over. So, my sub-conscience decided to fix things for me. I started dreaming that I was kidnapped by Syrians & Muslims & being tortured for being an American, they were stabbing me in my - you guessed it - left hip. Well, luckily this psychotic interruption was startling enough to wake me up & I rolled over onto my back. However, it was also disturbing enough to keep me from falling back asleep, although I have to say I don't think I've ever awoken, so thankful to be in my own home & in my own bed!! A mixed blessing I suppose. So I am ashamed, ashamed to dream such a thing, ashamed to be nervous having a conversation with this person in Syria, ashamed to wonder if McCarthy days will make a comeback & I will end up in a concentration camp charged with being a terrorist sympathiser or something - worst of all my computer would be seized & I might die from that event alone!!! Yes, I know, I must be under medicated. It's an on-going problem my doctor & I are working on correcting. What can I say, I'm crazy. My New Jersey friend suggested a very appropriate title for turning this into a book as she urges me to do: "Life In a Medicated Mind" Oh, yes, brutally revealing honesty. How humiliating - all just for your amusement Dear Readers, see my loyal devotion to you?! UGH.

If you are a devoted reader to this insanity which is my life, you may remember me explaining a situation before with my 3 yr old & naked cheese requests. This was followed by him thinking he was a bad boy because we did not have chocolate cookies. Well, now his latest theory is that if he is told "No" for anything be it, gummy snacks, ice-cream, playing naked in the front yard, whatever, then I must not love him anymore. Between this & his obsession with water guns I'm worried that I will not have enough money to support his obvious needs for psychiatric therapy of some sort on an ongoing basis & he will end up being a little clock-tower boy. UGH!

In other less insane news, my 7 yr old is learning that these Yugio & Pokemon cards actually cost real money to buy before he trades them. The disappointment in his eyes was astounding at this revelation. Bummer dude, but such is life & I cannot fork out $25.00 a week for the crazy things when we buy 12 gallons of milk to TRY to get through two weeks on. This is nothing compared to trying to keep at least a minimal amount of fuel in the mom-mobile. I need a winning lotto ticket I tell ya!

My niece & her fiance arrive this evening to move in with us, God help 'em! My parrot is screaming, competing with the boys for "loudest of all" house-title. My 3 yr old just got upset at the Fed Ex man for not coming in & playing with him & yelled, "Hey, where you going?!" I should have left the package & him at the door & stolen his truck for a quick get away but alas, my brain just doesn't think up these things fast enough, darn it. My husband is still his same sarcastic self & my daughter is still MIA & my oldest son is excited to be up to 200lbs in weight starting football training camps for his upcoming senior year. The bunny is happily still avoiding the neighborhood Rottweiler & munching dandelions, our furry babies are doing fine & our feathered friends are learning to live outside instead of in & even enjoying occasional swims (the ducks, not the parrot or doves or quail).

I am sure this is enough, no, make that more than enough information for you all for now. I hope I made up for missing a few days earlier. Take care Dear Readers & be blessed!

When My Appliances Are Smarter Than Me

2007-05-29T13:38:00.000-07:00

So, God knocked me off my high-horse in a very funny way last night. He reminded me that humility is a much better friend & trait to have than too much pride. I had just gotten done boasting to a friend how I had managed to successfully cook dinner for my family! Even though it was just cooking frozen food I had remembered to stir things, to time correctly & most of all to plug things in. Just after making this proud comment I non-shalantly picked up the T.V. remote to make a phone call! Nice try, but not quite going to work! Ugh.

And speaking of T.V., how is it that my television is smarter than I am? It remembers to record shows I want to watch even when I totally, & frequently, forget about them. Thank God for that capability!!

For the third time in about a month, my electric dishwasher has decided to go on vacation. While it is still located physically under my kitchen counter, it is refusing to work. The soap goes in, the buttons light up showing which setting I've chosen to wash dishes on but go to push the "on" button & it doesn't work. Last time my husband forgot to call the repair man which I was very distressed about. God forbid that I go back to washing dishes by hand, how barbaric! I have enough crow's feet wrinkles without adding dishpan hands to the list! Then as if an answered prayer, the dishwasher checked back in from it's momentary lapse in productivity & started up - working perfectly even on day old (or two) crusties. Then it happened again over the weekend. The thing was completely full, loaded to perfection, not able to hold even a single more spoon than already inside. My sink was likewise over flowing. I was about to actually break down & get out the dish drainer & scrubby pad when again Heaven-sent deliverance arrived. Again, it started back up & ran, cleaning the dishes beautifully. Now today, it has only been 2 days since it's last vacation & it is "out to lunch" again!!! How is this fair??? Why do my appliances go on more vacations than I do? Where do they go when they check out? Bermuda Triangle? Disney World? What do they do - sit by the pool? I don't get it!!!!! Oh God, now I'm jealous of inanimate objects, my appliances at that! I know this is teaching me something too, maybe to get a life & go on vacation myself? I like that idea! I'm going to stay with that theory of thought!!! Unlike my appliances, when I go on vacation, I am going to take my sorry, in-animate butt with me, an honest to goodness physical as well as mental vacation. Because, we all know I'm on a fairly permanent mental vacation!!!

At least my handy-dandy-(not notebook you Blue's Clues fans with preschoolers, & if you are smiling count yourself among them) -computer has NOT gone on vacation lately & is reliably diligent & available to me! All once again bow to the great Internet & instant-messaging. Now, instead of just stuffing my face when I am unable to sleep in the middle of the night I can connect with people in different time zones & chat away by typing without waking my family. Or, if I am more finger-fumbly & less concerned about my family hearing me & waking up, I can actually talk. How fun. Maybe I'll loose weight!! If so, I will have to write Bill Gates a thank you note.

Well, maybe these insomnia filled 2:00A.M. chat-fests should be counted as my own mini-vacations, they have been enjoyable, culturally enlightening & conveniently priced. If this is true it certainly explains my lowered productivity in the housekeeping department. Darn it anyway, there goes Bill's thank you letter, now I'll have to throw in a request for maid service if I go ahead & send it to him! I'm sure that will go over well-huh, not. Dang it anyway.

So, Dear Readers, until next time, I wish you luck being smarter than your appliances, I hope you hear God, whomever your God or higher power be, when He speaks to you in whatever form He uses to get your attention, I wish you great real vacations, mini vacations & mental vacations, just remember to come back!! Come back & as always, be blessed!

New Jersey Alligator Hors d'orves & Cracker Emergencies

2007-05-28T12:59:00.000-07:00

Not only is today set aside here in America for remembering loved ones' sacrifices on behalf of our country, previous soldiers' deaths, but also a time of looking forward. This day has merged together in a rare way of remembrance & gratitude for me. Hopefully it has done so for you as well.

My oldest son is switching bedrooms & while gone on an annual camp get-together this weekend, my husband & I moved his things for him into the newly painted room. He is 17 and considering the military. He has previously been to a West Point Academy presentation & met with various recruiters for different branches of the military. Due to this, his room has many brochures & recruiting items, business cards, key chains, etc. He also has my father's hat. It was my father's hat from the when he was in the army, before there even was an air force. He was a B25 fighter pilot in WWII. His flag was flown today in my home town in a ceremony then placed in the local cemetery with those of the other fallen soldiers. It will be picked up by his brother & mailed to me tomorrow & I will proudly display it in our home with his medals. " I love you Daddy, I miss you & I honor you. I think you must be proud looking down on your oldest grandson as he prepares to forge ahead with college & a military career as well." Past & present merging.

I was on line with a friend today who lives in New Jersey. She is mostly vegetarian & married to a butcher-wouldn't ya know it?! She was appalled to learn that in Oregon many people live on venison (deer & elk meat) some even eat bear occasionally, buffalo, antelope, etc. I however, was equally appalled to learn that many people in her state eat alligators, turtles & eels & snakes! I nearly stepped on a large, brown, stuffed-animal-snake in my kitchen last night & again this morning pre-coffee. Coincidence or fate, merging our lives in some small connected way? I had to leave our instant messaging conversation for a bit because of a cracker emergency here on the home front: The 3 yr old had taken the whole box of crackers, minus the box, clutching the full inner-bag on the couch munching away & refusing to share. I had to explain that yes, I still love him, he's a good boy but needed to share the crackers. This brought many tears & pleas for more & reassurances. Good grief, they're just crackers for Pete's sake. By the way, who the heck is Pete?

Now I'm rambling again in some pointless direction. Just more insight to "Life in a Medicated Mind" I suppose. Otherwise known as: Life in my zoo. The morning chat with the same New Jersey friend was interrupted by an Internet call from Kazakhstan. I traded my pot roast recipe (& banana bread recipe for a Borsch recipe the night before). I was treated today to 2 music files, sharing their taste in music. I was able to get a glimpse of what their currency looks like as well. Sadly I was too broke to show our currency, should have raided the kids' tooth-fairy money but it was pre-coffee & I couldn't think that well. Today took 2 cups of coffee loaded with lots of real sugar followed by a Diet Coke! Ugh oh & yum. These Kazakhstan calls are like the opposite of that horrible movie: "Borat, Cultural Learnngs of Kazakhstan" or whatever the title of the dumb thing is. He has to explain to me how to do computer stuff at times & obviously knows 2 languages while I barely speak 1! This man was thrown from a car which flipped over 3 times at 70 mph & then with no ambulance availability was able to secure transport through co-workers to a hospital for treatment. All ambulance workers - I praise you & appreciate you greatly for the tough job you have & for doing it! How unfortunate that ambulance availability isn't a sure thing in every country, every area. While some things are different for us in different countries, I find that many things are the same & link us together-music, internet, relationships, values, movies, goals. I learned today that Green Cards have a season, like fishing or something! How bizarre isn't it?

Through this instant messaging program I was also fortunate to find a new acquaintance in Nigeria who is also becoming a friend. It is nice to have a way to feel connected to others no matter where in the world they are. I just hope my connecting with these people does not detract from connecting with the ones in physical proximity aka: family & local friends. It is a nice blessing for those of us who do not get out much to be able to converse with others from afar though. My husband told me this morning he will use this instant message program to find his next wife from Kiev after I stress myself to death.

This comment about dying from stress was made after I was in hysterics from my teenage daughter's comments, plans & actions. Thank God for xanax! It has been a de-railed roller coaster down-hill ride I tell you what! I know things will get better & everyone goes through this to a certain extent, all I can tell you is, it definitely makes me want to plan a vacation!!! However, not a vacation to New Jersey, I don't think alligator-hors d' orves could ever be a menu item for me! I remember back to my own unfortunate teen age years-once again, past meets present. Just not in a glorious way to be celebrated.

Well, my medicine is "kickin' in" & typing difficulties are rearing their ugly heads so I suppose medicated-intervention is telling me that this is all for today! Be well dear readers & be happy & be open to new relationships as well as renewing old ones, merge past & present in a meaningful way & my last & lingering instruction to you: be blessed!

Pack-Rat-itis, Snow-Potty & Bathtub Crayons

2007-05-26T13:23:00.000-07:00

Shocking events seem to never cease here in the house where "anything's possible"! Today I have come to realize, through my husband's incredible hard work & commitment to completing the job, there is actually real honest to goodness cement on our garage floor, not just more & more layers of stuff. I am a pack rat. I save stupid stuff just in case someone might need it some day. I attach sentimental value to dumb things when the value actually lies within the memory of the people involved in the incident, not the thing. So today, I have much to give to the mission, to the women's crisis center & much has been given to my neighbor in the form of hand me down children's clothes & accessories. It feels good to get things cleaned up & organized & to not just throw away a lot of the items. Don't get me wrong though, there is still a truck-load of items to take to the dump as well.

My doctor appointment yesterday involved acupuncture, something called "interferential" treatment using like 'sonar' waves to go deep into the tissue & also traditional Chinese medicine in the form of a treatment called 'cupping' to help with my bursitis. I had 15 acupuncture needles in & only know this because they were counted at my request upon removal - I couldn't feel them for the most part. Although the appointment wore me out a bit & stress really got the best of me yesterday I feel a lot better. It is nice to do something pro-active for my health that does not involve taking a whole bunch of pills. Yea!

Rather than bore you with current events lately, memories have been popping back in my mind & I'd like to share some of them with you, hopefully they are not as boring as my current life!

The first time I helped my newly divorced step-sister take her twins to the snow & one started to cry "the snow went potty in my pants" because of falling over into it & becoming wet. Now that is charming & I hope I never forget that.

My husband custom built a gorgeous bird cage a few years ago, with lighting, branches for perches, silk plants & a fountain style bird bath. It was incredible living-art with different varieties of finches living there along with button quail. So tranquil & peaceful & entertaining. We quickly learned that button quail startle & when startled they sort of pop up like a piece of pop corn. He had to add egg-crate-foam to the top inside of the cage for what we came to call the "bonk factor". Unfortunately when we moved into the two-story house we now live in, there was no way to get this gorgeous bird cage into the house. He promises he will make a new one. Lately, I've been feeling like the startled quail, without the protective foam for the bonk-factor!

Someone I've newly met called me a hero for having 6 children, I corrected the mis-used adjective from hero to "crazy'. I have heard of people with more children though. I wonder if they also shop at restaurant supply stores, do head-counts entering & leaving places, have rows of shoe-shelves in an entryway closet & no matter how much time is spent matching, still have an overflowing basket of lonely socks looking for their mate?

I was asked what kind of books I like to read & all I could think of was children's books & magazines & catalogs. Maybe in my ancient years I will read a real, grown up book, rather than how-to manuals & rhyming things with great illustrations. Maybe.

Well, I need to clean out our former computer room to make way for my niece & her fiance who will be here on the first. As excited as I am to have them here, I still have no gumption today (or ever it seems) to get the room cleaned out. My darling husband has installed nice shelves in the garage & even ridded the area of cobwebs & most of the spiders, maybe I can relocate things to there? hm.

The last trip hubby made to the store he bought bathtub crayons for the boys. However, I took a long bathtub soak yesterday & noticed how horribly difficult it was to open the package. Not wanting the boys to be frustrated in their excitement to use the crayons (yeah, that's the excuse I'll go with!) I opened them & began writing I love you messages to them & drew a few silly pictures. Making a trip to the bathroom this morning my heart was warmed to be flooded with many drawings & writings from the boys seen due to the shower curtain being pulled back! It was wonderful!! I do not look forward to cleaning them off anytime soon. Luckily, it shouldn't be a problem because I don't clean much.

Well, finger aerobics on this keyboard are getting to be too much so I will end for now. Be Blessed Dear Readers, Whomever your higher power may be, be blessed, and loved!

The Curse Of The Crock Pot & Evolution Theory

2007-05-25T05:32:00.000-07:00

So, despite accidentally double medicating yesterday morning I actually was quite energetic & got lots done, for me that is. I was revelling in the glory of regaining a bit of my old self at least. Now, that's not a lot to be excited over mind you, but I'll take whatever little "woo-hoo-drive-the-bus-happy-dance" I can get!!

I squelched my husband's comments over getting use to being a single parent in the evenings by actually staying up, awake & somewhat functioning. I chatted away with him & then stopped, looked at him & said, "I bet you wish I was back hiding under the covers in the bedroom huh?" His voice said,"No, not at all" in his best 'good-husband-speak' however, eyes & body language indicated he was a tad annoyed at being distracted from yet more computer work here at home. This could be due to hunger.

Last Sunday I bought a retro 50's style metal magnet that said with a "June Cleaver" looking type glamor gal holding a cake, "The only reason I have a kitchen is because it came with the house". Now, either this thing is more accurate than I realized or it is cursed, I'm not sure which. For the first time in I don't know how long, I actually was making dinner for my family! Not just quietly mumbling, "Fend for yourselves, there's frozen food & leftovers" - what a change of pace huh?! I know! I was excited too!! At 3:00PM-ish, I took something out & put in the crock pot. By 5:00PM-ish it dawned on me I couldn't yet smell dinner. Boy my allergies sure must be bad for my sense of smell to be that far gone! So I went to check on my fantastic offering of an actual dinner for my beloved family. Yeah, I'm a real winner, miss Freakin' Betty Crocker - not. Rachel Ray would be shaking her finger at me (not that I even hardly know who she is - which I make very apparent). I had forgotten to add a key ingredient & while I did turn the crock pot on, I did NOT check to make sure it was plugged in. You guessed it, it indeed was NOT plugged in. Can you say, "Whoops"? I'm beginning to think the kitchen is just a place with magnetic surfaces so I can hang up notes with phone #s for take out & other vital information.

So for the second time in 3 days I had to admit I was an idiot. First to the preschool/child-care provider about the non-matching shoes, now to my family. Great. However, I have a feeling they may have already suspected as much.

Later as the evening wore on & I continued to be surprisingly awake & interactive, my hunger-ravaged 17 yr old son was combing the fridge & freezer for anything possible to eat. Something came up on television about the whales that got into the Sacramento River by mistake & all the efforts to rescue them. My 17 yr old son made some remark of disgust so I baited him. I asked if he would have the whales die? Wouldn't he want to help them? He smirked & said, "I believe in survival of the fittest, smartest, got to weed out the dumb animals, don't want that in the food chain" or something very similar, I may not have gotten that word for word but you catch his drift? Of course this comes from an incredibly athletically fit A+ student. Biast?

I was just pleasantly interrupted with a "skype" web call from Kazakhstan. I botched it because my speakers didn't work well. We saw each-other, although it was fuzzy, I heard the person a bit but they could not hear me. It was a very surprising morning for me, evening there.

Well, until next time Dear Readers, I hope you have pleasant surprises in your day & weekend & you escape a crock pot / magnet curse & survive evolution! Be Blessed.

Matching Shoes & Laundry Caught Up All in the Same Day!

2007-05-24T14:16:00.000-07:00

Well, I have mourned the loss of a relationship I always wanted as a child myself with a mother, my mom died when I was 7, & as a mother with a daughter. My first child I adopted out, I felt unworthy of her, unable to give her all she needed & all I wanted her to have. It nearly killed me to go on living without her but we are reunited & stay in touch. Still, hardly the same. Now, her little sister, my 16 yr old is leaving to go live with her father. It is emotionally crushing but I am coming to terms with it. She has always been Daddy's little girl & I'm thankful she has that relationship, I've always been a tad jealous I guess, I want the mom & daughter bond but maybe that will come later. I hope.

Today my 3 yr old actually had matching shoes. Today I called the appropriate people to have my father's flag held out for me after the holiday ceremony in which it will be flown at the cemetery. Today I actually got laundry caught up, folded & mostly put away. Today I enjoyed the sunshine for a moment or two, went to parent-teacher conferences for 2 boys & got glowing comments & mementos to melt any mom's heart. Today, I also accidentally took my morning medicine twice because I forgot I'd already taken it the 1st time. UGH. Considering I was medicated enough to tranquilize a rather incredibly large horse, I got a lot done! And, did so with no migraine & very little back pain! hm, no, no, I guess it's not a good idea. I think I'm going to have to make a chart or something to check off when i take my medicine. I'm the 98 yr old woman I tell you, all that's missing is my walker, incontinence pads & gray hair. Let's not hope those things follow any time soon. I still want to color my hair for the hell of it, not cause I NEED to!

So, during the parent-teacher conferences there was a book fair going on. My 7 yr old got a Pokemon book ( of course) & my 6 yr old got a Spongebob book (of course) & I got a computer spelling/word game for all of us. As we leave the "Book Fair" my 6 yr old asks, "Now do we go to the carnival?" I had to explain it was a book fair, not a fair with rides like a carnival. Luckily his delight with the book & game kept him from fussing too much over the lack of carnival rides & cotton candy.

Once home my 7 yr old informed me, "Mom, you know we need more food - we're out of cookies!" Good heavens we might starve without cookies in the house don't ya know! Hubby has been given a short grocery list since he has the ATM card (scary thought) & works next to the store. Bless his heart, he's working a side job after his regular job tonight too so who knows when he'll be home! But, then he gets a nice holiday weekend.

I hope all of you have a nice holiday weekend as well. Be Blessed Dear Readers, be blessed.

Lost In 5th Dimension Rubble On a Shakey Wire

2007-05-23T13:25:00.000-07:00

This morning I did my usual drill Sargent bit: "get socks 'n' shoes on, brush your teeth, time to go" followed by "go get in the car, is everyone buckled up?" I buckled the 3 yr old & off we went. I dropped the 6 & 7 yr old off at school & took the 3 yr old to preschool/daycare. Then it dawned on me! As I went to unbuckle him & help him out of the car, his shoes! He was wearing a left-tennie on his right foot & a right-sandal on his left foot!!!! No time to go home & correct the matter as I had a Dr appt to go to!!! So, I admit my failure in motherhood to the childcare provider, shake my head & say "At least retrieving his shoes from the shoe bucket will be easy, they'll be the only 2 that don't match anything else!" UGH.

My appointment for therapeutic massage or myofacial release was incredibly helpful. So much tension & pain was released from my neck & head & arms, it was a slice of heaven. I tried to dollop a bit of whip cream on this slice of heaven in the form of a quick nap afterwards at home. My effort was thwarted by the power bill disconnect/collection guy. Darling hubby "forgot" to pay the bill. Luckily I was able to get him on the phone & he paid on-line & gave the reference # to the agent waiting on my door step. Yea, power still on, boo nap not gonna happen, oh well. As I soon gathered my boys up from school I thought how nice it would be to be that carefree again. If only my only concern in life was if I had any chocolate mints in my purse & if it was OK to have a Popsicle after lunch! I learn so much from my children. Yes on both accounts by the way, along with tissue & antibacterial hand gel - the ultimate mom purse. No, the Popsicles weren't in the purse, they were at home in the freezer where they belong. Imagine that!

We unfortunately live in an area where the power & other lines are above ground & the ugly poles & wires are all about. A robin flew near my kitchen window today & landed on the wire making it shake a bit. Somehow this spoke volumes to me in life analysis commentary. My house is it's usual disaster, there are Lego's on the couch, unmatched socks in an overflowing basket staring me in the face, damp size 3T undies on the bathroom floor, dishes piled so high I cannot deny their existence any longer, yet the will to contend with these things is somewhere else-having forgotten to check in with me. I'm a bit lost in a sea of rubble here, all my own fault. Life has consequences which undoubtedly catch up with one sooner or later. I'm reminded of a line uttered in the cult classic movie "Buckaroo Bonsai in the 5Th Dimension" which says, "Just remember, no matter where you go, there you are". I had just found it funny in my youth, now I realize its incredible perception. So, here I am. Where are you?

Be Blessed dear reader, be blessed in your surroundings.

Alka-Seltzer In Sea Gulls & Running Amok

2007-05-22T21:29:00.000-07:00

Well, at last check, I am still a slightly cracked lopsided bowl. Barefoot Jim has not captured the wayward Wiley Teenage girl, Marlon Perkins has not narrated a how-to on protecting oneself from a teenager or the care, feeding & training of one in semi-captivity. The house has been slightly more calm but I am also slightly more medicated so I can never be sure if it is my mis-perception or truly the case.

Staying on track with relatively-current events: a while back, a week maybe, I read about a plane carrying 5 skydivers crashed, there were no survivors. Now, I know I'm a sick puppy & I admit I did not bother reading this whole article. However, I found myself chuckling at the headline. If ever there was a missed golden opportunity - that was it. They were skydivers, they had parachutes, why didn't they bail out before the crash? In other somewhat current news, Paris Hilton was/is fairly traumatized by her pending jail term. GOOD! She should be, she should have to own up to her actions & face consequences for heavens sakes!!!! Don't look for me to shed a tear over that one! Big surprise Ana Nicole Smith's diary was about sex, surgery & depression - gee, I'm stunned, who'd have guessed? I certainly didn't expect her to be writing about global warming or starving 3rd world country children. Honestly.

Back to the home front! The move in date for my niece & her fiance is getting closer. I'm excited. I left a note for my wayward teen daughter to be moved back in no later than next Tuesday or else. I'm sure that will go over like alka-seltzer in seagulls but it's an attempt on my part at least. My 7 yr old reminded his 6 yr old brother today that Sissy left the family. That totally broke my heart, how her actions are affecting her little brothers. They will survive, possibly with a nervous tick or two, but they'll survive. UG.

My step-brother & his friend were passing through town & invited me out to breakfast this morning. It was lovely catching up with them & visiting although I tend to become overly excited at real live grown up conversational opportunities & let my mouth run amok. Other wise, it was great. A few awkward but necessary moments when speaking about will/trust/estate issues from my late father & his late mother, I felt quite tacky but we mucked our way through it. He's a great guy, a survivor, a psychologist & has a great sense of humor & a loving personality that shines through even in dark circumstances. We didn't grow up together, he & my other step-siblings were already grown with their own families when my father & their mother got married. It was nice catching up with how people were doing & having long forgotten memories resurface - good ones too - which in themselves are a rarity. Hopefully I didn't come across as too much of a nut!!! Anyway, not much new & exciting to report today but I'd like to wish you a lovely day & evening. Be Blessed, Whomever your higher power be, be blessed dear readers!

A Doozie PayOff For A Lopsided Bowl

2007-05-20T10:48:00.000-07:00

My wonderful husband let me sleep in this Sunday morning. I'd taken my medicine later than normal last night so I didn't pop out of bed at my usual early bird time. The scary part is he woke me only 15 minutes before we were to meet his younger brother & our sister-in-law & 2 of their friends for breakfast. Luckily I'm low maintenance, at least in the foo-foo department. I slapped on some clothes & did my best to spackle "morning-face" away, tossed hair in a monster clip & off we went. Hubby dear had gotten the boys ready. Our oldest son had spent the night with friends & we all know about daring daughter, so it was just the 5 of us this morning.

Bless his heart, he tried I tell you. However he didn't notice that 3 yr old had pants on backwards, shoes on wrong feet & mis-matched socks. Oh well, we were once again at the truck stop so we'd fit in. Service was better this time, food was good & it was hot.

Visiting with family & friends was fun too. Our sister-in-law is 4 months pregnant. My brother-in-law's daughter from his first marriage is 6. Her mom is a nurse. Our niece informed her step mom, "you get babies from having sex" then asked "did you have sex with my daddy?" Being completely shocked, her step mom answered, "What?! No." This lead to the next question, "Oh, who'd you have sex with?" Now completely flustered & questioning the whole institution of family she finally answered, "Well, yes I had sex with your daddy, but that's only for married people OK?!" somehow the conversation ended & my sister-in-law's face managed to return from nuclear radiation red to it's normal, pretty complexion.

At one point we made the mistake of asking how their motel/hotel room was. They arrived later in the evening & for some bizarre reason had a difficult time finding an available room. Finally they found a place to stay. Once tucking into bed a glance at the wall revealed very visible blood stains, also found on the lamp shade. My brother in law went to wash the road trip-grime off & wasn't able to even get hot water. I asked if they complained to management about the horrors of their room. In typical, lovable family humor fashion Kiley responded, "Heck no, we saw what happened to the last person that complained! Maybe that's why we got the 10% off coupons for the truck stop."

We enjoyed our breakfast & made it out with no huge embarrassments or problems. My husband had once again lured the boys into good behavior with promises of a gumball or whatever from the quarter machines. It worked. He offered sage parenting advice to his sister-in-law & all other interested parties at the table: 95% of parenting is bribery. Once in the parking lot we went over to see our family member's new boat. The 3 yr old dropped his jawbreaker. I was able to notice this & holler to my husband to retrieve it before said 3 yr old put it back in his mouth. Not in possession of it now, he began to fuss a bit. Now, I've got to say, I've NEVER seen my husband in more of full on father mode until this moment. He stuck the jawbreaker in his mouth to wash it off, spit out debris, asphalt & what not & shook it off then gave it back to 3 yr old. Way to boost those immune systems huh?! I almost lost my breakfast right there & I don't mean dropping my to-go box. Later, little guy dropped it again. This time Dad splurged on an extra quarter & got him a new one.

On the way back home from breakfast I could not help but ask, due to poor memory & stress, what our plan of action was for our daughter- natural consequences & let her live where she wants etc or pull the plug & get the ball rolling in the right direction ourselves. If we do so, it may prompt her to just continue to pull away from us, the other way, while natural consequences may be more harsh than we'd like. We were reminded that we need to be more discreet & not discuss these things when 7 yr old may over hear us. He is already asking questions about where Sissy is. Sad but just part of life. I keep reminding myself we are all just clay on the Potter's wheel, being molded & shaped as God needs & wants us to be. So far I think I'm at the lopsided bowl stage but maybe someday I'll be a beautiful vase. I'm sure I'll be dropped & crack to pieces but actually that's a great analogy for my current circumstances! haha, without the pretty vase part, just a broken lopsided bowl. lol.

Speaking of which, I started crying when I broke a glass while emptying the dishwasher this morning. Husband, being male, was responding with: " It's just a stupid glass, no big deal, why are you crying?" Well, apparently, it isn't the glass that's broken & bothering me, it's our family. Something good comes out of everything - we must be getting set up for a doozie of a payday huh? As I wrote this I was interrupted just receiving a call from a former neighbor & family friend. The mom was at work, calling just to let us know our daughter is at her home doing well. God is great, there was my doozie of a payoff!!!

Be Blessed Dear Readers!

Abuse Victims, The Ghetto & Trained Monkeys

2007-05-19T07:16:00.000-07:00

This is a poem I wrote last night inspired by a friend of mine & her daughter. The daughter was a victim of an abuser but there is a ripple effect in the cycle of abuse. She wasn't the only one hurt, her family, friends, teachers, school-mates, it effects everyone. This situation has hit me very hard as well.

Abuse Victims

Mourning cries,
Unsaid goodbyes
To youthful innocence
Due to tragic circumstance.
Unshed tears
Trapped under years
Of fearful silence.
Guilt giving license
To those who do harm.
'Guised by charm
They continue,
We victims their menu.
No more!
We implore.
Face the facts
Of these brutal attacks.
Has no defence attorney
Ever been on bent knee
Imploring mercy
For his own girl or boy?
Stripped of childhood's joy.
How does one sleep at night
Attempting to give predators their right
To walk free among you & me?
Not some monster able to rehabilitate,
Not able to properly legislate
A cruel enough demise
To return the light to their victims' eyes.

-5/18/'07 Written for 'Kenzie, her family & friends

Obviously this has greatly pained my heart & well it should, It should pain every one's heart & our laws should be stricter against child predators & deal with them in a less forgiving way. I'm thinking toss them buck naked slathered in polar bear pheromones on an isolated Arctic tundra somewhere after castrating them with a rusty dull knife. Think we can get congress to pass that one? Yeah, me either. Permanent tattoo of a bulls eye target on them would be good & declare open season, that could be fun! Oh, I'd better stop before I get hate mail.

So, my daughter has decided she doesn't like us & we supposedly don't like her so she's moving out at 16. I'm sure I gave her the impression she's unloved by telling her daily "I love you, have a good day at school, good luck with (whichever sport, or school test or whatever)" I'm sure I was unsupportive by being at her beckon call for transportation, recommending her to family friends for jobs when she was looking for work, by open armed welcoming her & her friends to our home trying to engage in conversation with them before giving them their space. Yes, I'm a horrible mother. Let's not forget the step dad who has raised her the last 11 years, never referring to her as a step daughter, always as his daughter. He jokingly teased her, helped teach her things, supported her with research materials to back up her side of an on-going debate she was having with a teacher. He also has busted his butt to provide for her & the rest of the family. Her brothers who love her & play with her & help her out with things. Yeah, we are a terrible bunch! Thank God she's escaped unscathed before it was too late. Before our "ghetto, white trash house" & family could further embarrass her. Yes, thank God for that.

Today my husband & I are going out of town for a day to get our minds off things & hopefully have a bit of fun window shopping. Just in case that Power ball ticket I bought last night with the diet coke ends up paying off!! Then it will be back to our home town for an event at a local community theater & lounge featuring various restaurants' fare, music, beer & wine gardens. All this fun grown up activity I won't know how to act. I just hope I remember not to announce to the group, "Just a minute, mommy has to go potty I'll be right back, be good" !

Now that our parrot has added to his repertoire, to not just call the children's names or sound like an alarm clock but to also tell them "stop it!" "slow down!" etc. I'm thinking - who needs a human babysitter right? The darn thing even answers the phone. Of course, he is the one ringing, not the real phone & it hasn't learned how to hang up on solicitors without saying, "Love you, talk to you later, buh bye" We will have to work out those kinks I suppose. Think I can teach it how to cook? Probably not, we may have to buy a trained monkey, then I can go on permanent vacation!!!

Be Blessed Dear Readers & Have a Lovely Weekend!