Obsessions, Compulsiveness & Disorders!!!!

10/30/07

I seem to have a few obsessions. I am obsessed with keeping playing cards very neat & straight when playing a card game! I have been slacking off as of late, but before my un-health got the best of me, I was also obsessed with keeping my kitchen cupboards organized according to category. The spices were always alphabetized & then the boxed foods were categorized & alphabetized within their category as well! Soups & other canned foods suffered the same fate! I still have to talk myself out of a full blown panic about them not currently being in such a structured state!!! When the whole idea of a separate area for baking came into popularity I embraced it whole heartedly then spent sleepless nights not knowing what to do with the cross-over items which served dual purposes!!! I have to be on time or 5 minutes early wherever I go (sometimes I’m so afraid of being late that I am 20 minutes early then embarrassed by that fact). I also seem to be obsessed with worry, to the point of compulsion. If I am not worrying over something I am wracking what is left of my so called brain trying to figure out what I am forgetting to worry about!! No offence to anyone of any religion but I’ve been told by several people at various times in my life I would make a great Catholic-Jew because I am so obsessed with guilt, although not by choice!! I really have a preference for exclamation points but I’m not sure whether this is an obsession or not, you can decide that one!!!

Now to move on to my husband: he is a compulsive spender. He has great taste & a penchant for electronics, movies & music. His compulsive spending sends me into obsessive worrying bouts.

Despite the fact that I prefer things categorized & alphabetized I cannot keep a house clean to save my life. I also cannot throw things away very well. Any paper with one of my children’s scribbles is to be saved for life no matter what. I cannot bear to throw anything away that might, possibly be able to be used by another. Given that fact, I frequently gift hand-me-downs to Good-Will, the local Gospel Mission, or women’s shelter or random others. My husband has figured out to buy giant plastic storage bins for me to save kids’ schoolwork & other mementos. He has to sort the mail for me because I’m afraid to open mail that might have bad news (that whole worry thing) & afraid I might throw away something that was important, not realizing it’s value, then I’d feel horrible (the guilt thing). Yet, when he sorts the mail I am just as fearful he will make the same mistakes. Can’t win, that’s where the whole disorder-thing comes into play! Other than reassurances, a prescription for anti-anxiety medication & a “compulsion” to work out feelings through writing, not much can change all of this. Lucky you, Dear Readers, for here-in is how this blog was created!! Joyful day to you poor souls if you are trying to figure me out & a heaping helping of good luck as well!!! Please note the exclamation points!!! Also, if you do figure me out, drop me a note telling me!!
I do have a question though, how do we arrive at these states of being? Surely I wasn’t born with a compulsion to alphabetize things. For some reason a vague memory of a class on library skills in elementary school comes to mind & how crazy I found their catalog system to be. Was I wired from birth so to speak, with feelings of worry? Then I worry that the fact that I have so much worry in my life may make me a bad Christian since we, as Christians are to “let go & let God”. There are times that I have been able to do that, but often I sneak the worrisome problem back after I give it to Him & still continue to worry about it. I do not mean it as a disrespectful action in my faith, I worry if it is seen as such & that I feel it is such.

So, if we were not wired this way, what flipped the “on” switch making us succumb to these various types of personality disorders? Would a traumatic experience cause this, if so, what types of trauma can generate which disorders? Can you tell I miss psychology class? I took a psychology class at my local community college when I was 17 & I absolutely loved it. Our professor would tell of his obsession with a certain actress. His tales were as welcome as stand-up comedy & by listening & laughing we came to learn some point which was totally unexpected. Now, that is true teaching, finding innovative ways of making learning fun for the students & getting through to them! But…apparently I didn’t learn enough because I still have an unanswered question. I do know that according to Freud it would be mom’s fault! I also learned he apparently did a lot of drugs, so, his opinion is of less value to me than it might otherwise be. So now I have my unanswered question to worry over-I needed something new to obsess over – goodie!!!!